Friday - last edited Tuesday
During my last hospital admission, I was in a situation where miscommunication between my psychiatrists, my mum, and I meant that I ended up having to tell her that I'm trans. She didn't take it super well. I know that she loves me and just wants what is best for me. She and I have still have had a good relationship since then, but she will not openly talk about gender and if I bring it up she gets defensive.
I don't want to deal with this on top of everything else. I want to change my name, research hormones, change my gender presentation and be out with everybody. But...instead I've pretty much promised I won't pursue medical transition for a few years, and I'm too scared to come out to other people in my family or to start a legal name change etc.
I NEED to move forward to be myself, but I don't know how. Does anyone have any advice either on pursuing transitioning without family support, or on ways to affirm your gender while still in the closet? Thanks guys
I'm glad that your mum is alright with your choice, although it sucks that she won't talk about it with you.
I don't really know much about transitioning but have you tried talking to QLife?
Thank you @N1ghtW1ng I have tried QLife, thank you for the suggestion! The below rant is not aimed at you btw - I just need to get a few things out!
My mum is sad about it all, she's not listening to me and she said some pretty hurtful things. She's saying 'I love you and yeah I want you to get better but just so you know your way of getting better harms your whole family.'
Which yeah I get is fair enough and I know, I know I need to be patient and understanding with her because how could I possibly expect her to know how to deal with this I just. Want. Someone to say to her: this isn't about you, help your kid.
I'm selfish and unreasonable and I know logically that I'm lucky, that I have a parent who lets me cut my hair short and dress how I want and who accepts that I'm bi, I know other people have it way worse. But I feel like I have to get this identity out of me so I can be the perfect eldest daughter again. I left the dr crying today because if one more person used my fucking birth name I would kms right then but I'm too scared to change it because 'it means so much to my parents.' I want to damage my body every day but apparently hormones are too big a step. I want to tell my whole family who I am but I'm too scared of their reactions now. What if my dad kicks me out? Every time I hug my grandfather I don't know if this will be the last time because maybe he'll never speak to me again if I tell him. What if my sister thinks I'm betraying her?
I don't want to be dramatic or complain that my life is terrible and I'm sorry for being such a whiny little brat. But I'm scared and it hurts and I want to die in this body.
I don't think you're being a whiny brat @DruidChild the things you're wresting with are HUGE, incredibly stressful and painful. To have such a huge need to be who you are and to have that challenged, rejected and even just ignored by your own family is so, so tough . You have every right to be upset and in pain right now, even if i hope that over time we can lessen it.
I took your last sentence to mean that being in the body the way it is right now makes you feel like not being alive and that's how important and crucial it is for you to change right now. But i want to check (because we always do) were you also talking about wanting to end your life?
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I just wish people accepted all gender identities/didn't care because it's none of their business who we define ourselves at.
I just want to say we are here for you and want you to be safe.