15-03-2017 03:27 PM
I'm 17 years old and I'm going through some really bad times right now. My whole life feels like a race where I'm watching everyone else run away, but just can't catch up no matter how hard I try. I'm seeing all of my friends find girlfriends, being happy, losing their virginity, and I want nothing more than to be like them. I want to fit in at school, date girls, one day get married, have a family, and be happy. The only thing I've been able to do is feel like an outcast who doesn't belong.
More and more, I'm finding myself getting jealous and angry at people for no reason; today, I stopped talking to my best friend, who is nothing but good and kind to me, all because he started talking about his girlfriend and I couldn't handle it. Many people have asked my parents, according to them, on many different occasions if I'm okay because I've been acting strange. I don't feel like talking to people anymore, and people are noticing that negativity is showing through my personality a lot more than kt used to. My emotions are all over the place, but I don't know what to do. I am still closeted, but I don't know if I really want to come out or not.
I am terrified of coming out. I worry about getting bullied, being treated different, and, most of all, losing my best friend. My friend is really one of the only things that's keeping me from turning to an easy way out of my messed up life. He's the only person in my life who I truly love being around, and if I lost him I'd feel like I have nothing...the problem is he comes from a religious family, and, well, I'm sure everyone knows how they see homosexuals. Also, all I see on the other side of the closet wall is an already-diminished dating pool where I'll probably never find someone who I can honestly say I love.
I hate myself for being gay. I feel alone and I don't see things getting better in my future. People just don't understand the hell that is being gay, and how much it's hurting me. This won't be the first night that I lie in bed crying because I don't know what else to do. I'm scared and emotionally defeated, and I need help.
15-03-2017 05:13 PM
Hey @downthelane, welcome to RO
I'm also gay (well lesbian, whatever ) and I'm also in school so I totally get where you're coming from. It can be super tough, especially with so much casual homophobia, pressure to be 'normal', and fear of people finding out and reacting in a negative way. I'm not fully out at school - only to one friend and one teacher, both who I felt pretty confident I would get a positive reaction from when telling (and did). You totally don't have to come out if you don't feel safe or comfortable doing so. It made me feel a lot better and took some of the weight off my shoulders when I did though - how do you think your best friend would react if you told them? Is there another friend or teacher or someone who you know would react well and who might be able to help?
It's easy to feel scared and alone, and that's never fun But keep in mind that being gay is completely one hundred percent normal and okay! Have you tried engaging in LGBT+ communities to help you feel less alone (especially anonymous online communities like this one - that's where I found the most help)?
15-03-2017 05:15 PM
Hey @downthelane - wow, there is alot that you are dealing with at the moment. I want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with being homosexual. It is really important that you feel comfortable about coming out to others and maybe you are not ready to come out at the moment which is perfectly natural.
It can be scary when you feel like you are going to lose someone because of something about yourself, especially since your family comes from a religious family. Have you had any signs from them that they might not be supportive of you?
I want you to know that there are supports that you can access and you can find their information here.
QLife is a great organisation that have online chats which you can find here or you can phone them on 1800 184 527. There is also a counseling service available that might help you talk through these thoughts and feelings with a professional you can call them on 1800 184 527.
15-03-2017 06:51 PM
@SmileMonkey and @roseisnotaplant have recommended some good supports if you don't think you can talk to anyone who is currently in your life about it at the moment. Do you see yourself potentially reaching out to any of these supports?
16-03-2017 01:06 AM
There's really nobody that I'd feel comfortable coming out to except for that friend I was talking about... he's talked about being homophobic in the past, but I can't say for sure if he was being 100% serious or not. I don't imagine he would completely leave me, because I'm the only really good friend he has besides his girlfriend. That being said, I can't see our relationship staying the same; he'll probably be in an akward situation, and all those little things that actually make us great friends will probably disappear.
I thought about reaching out to supports, but chose to come on here instead. In places like this, I know I'm going to get honest answers and help from people who generally care; with those other supports, I feel like they won't actually care, and that they're dealing with so many people that I'll just be another paper in the stack.
Like I'd said before, I don't want to come out because I'm afraid I won't have anyone -- speaking temporarily about friends and long term about a partner. I don't even really know what my problem is, everything just seems so pressing. Maybe I feel like I have no outlet for everything building up inside, I don't know.
17-03-2017 12:13 PM
Hey @downthelane. Welcome to ReachOut and thank you for sharing some of your experiences with us. Firstly I want to agree with what @May_ and the others have said: there is absolutely nothing wrong with being homosexual. You are allowed to be who you are.
In regards to not knowing how your friend would react, maybe you could get a gauge of that by watching a movie together featuring gay characters and see how he reacts? But if you're not comfortable with doing that, obviously don't. Just a suggestion. Do you know of anyone else at your school/in your community who is of the same sexual orientation? Maybe you could ask them about their experiences, without coming out yourself.
You mentioned possibly not having an outlet, and I think that's something we could address. What kinds of things do you enjoy doing? Are there certain activities that help you stay calm/clear your head? Maybe you could try those when you're getting caught up in feeling this way. What do you think?
17-03-2017 01:25 PM
I am a bi person. I realised that I liked girls when I was around 11, 12 and the years after that it really freaked me out. I felt really ashamed of myself and did my best to suppress it for years and years because I felt like there was no point to coming out.
This will seem trite but once you are out of secondary school things become a lot easier. I know you must feel so terrible and alone right now but I promise that you are not. There are so many people growing up with the same experiences as you and lead happy lives where they have a community that loves and supports them. Right now almost all of the friends I have are LGBT in some way, we constantly talk about how much we love girls and how cute they are and this is something I NEVER would have imagined I would have at 16. When I was in secondary school I never came out, I only became more open with my sexuality after I graduated and began attending uni and events for LGBT people. At uni I also know people who are only out to a few but generally closeted. There are so many ways you can live a happy and full life while being gay.
You are not alone in feeling you are falling behind. Many LGBT people embark on dating 'milestones' later than straight people because they have more baggage to sort out but that doesn't meant there is anything wrong with you. It is fine to take your time and that you get there later than other people you see.
There are lots of blogs and online resources that can help you with feeling less alone and give advice. One blog I follow on tumblr is http://sapphicisms.tumblr.com/ ; tumblr can be quite a good resource for reaching out to other LGBT people and there is a lot of positivity for girls there in the right places. Know that is 10000% possible to be gay and to be happy and have a family, there is even a blog dedicated to this: http://weddingsandlesbians.tumblr.com/
Know there are people like you and we are all rooting for you!
Hey @downthelane, just wondering how you're doing? Sounds like you're dealing with a lot of tough stuff right now
Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.