17-01-2017 03:27 PM
Okay, I'm sorry to start yet another thread (I know I'm super annoying, sorry ) But idk it's just been really tough lately. Plus I just wanted to sort out my thoughts a bit, I guess. I hope that's okay.
I guess I can kind of break this into three things...
The first one is just confusion. I struggle to comprehend and explain feelings in general, plus gender is such a nebulous concept, so it's kind of just like ?????? The best way I can describe it is like...feeling right is like rainbow feelings and feeling wrong is blue/grey feelings. Unfortunately 'nebulous rainbow coloured concept mapped onto a body' isn't a gender Plus some days I just feel nothing so I assume that's feeling like a girl (the gender I was assigned at birth) and other days I kind of feel like a boy, not male and not a man, but...boy? Ish? I also really like zie/hir pronouns.
And then is the dysphoria. I have a lot of problems with my face and other parts of my body because of how they're gendered. Even when I dress more masc I still get seen as a woman (or actually a girl because I look about 16 but you know). Sometimes I self harm, skip meals, or do dangerous things to myself to look different or to cope. Plus I get sad when I see people with features (like facial hair, Adam's apple, deeper voice) that I want but don't have. I've read a lot of tips about dealing with it, and I know in the end there's not going to be a simple magic fix-it, but I'm struggling to accept being in a body that...isn't...mine? Plus there's the constant gendering from everywhere, EVERYWHERE.
And the last thing is the cost of transition making me feel pretty hopeless. Things like surgery, hrt, and even binders cost money that I just don't have and may not have for years if ever. I'm sad because I'm going to have to go into a new uni course still being seen as a girl and officially using a girl's name, and I can't do anything to change that right now. Except maybe wearing a cool Druid cloak to all my classes so nobody can see my face or body shape
17-01-2017 03:54 PM
Hey @DruidChild, firstly I'm sorry I'm not much help with this. But good on you for making the thread, it's a super positive thing to do And who said you're annoying; more like, you're really awesome
I'm sure some others can help more with this
17-01-2017 08:55 PM
Ugh that sounds frustrating @DruidChild I have a friend that's going through a similar experience, I might send them that picture I don't really have anything to say, but I hope it gets better for you
18-01-2017 12:08 PM
I know a fair bit about this subject @DruidChild and i also have some resources for you! I just am trying to get the attention of a few members on here who have some lived experience here too because they can probably share so much more than i can! Can you wait another couple of hours?
18-01-2017 03:19 PM
18-01-2017 03:40 PM
@redhead Thanks for sharing that you relate to this too, I'm sorry if things are tough right now. Gender is hard! And voice stuff, ugh, tbh I don't wanna speak anymore. Feel free to talk more about your experience if you want to, always happy to listen