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Builder
Posts: 9,353
Registered: ‎24-04-2014

Home

I just want to go home. I've been in hospital over 8 weeks now. We had scheduled to go home mid this week but after what happened with attempted leave yesterday I don't know what's going to happen now. I have day leave for work tomorrow then again on Tuesday for uni and I'm scared I'll hurt myself again like I have on other times I left the ward. I have become institutionalised and dependant on the hospital now.
As much as I want to go home I'm scared, the suicidal thoughts that weren't around last week are back. I know I have to focus on my goals and future but it's hard when you don't have ground under you to stand on and you can't climb to reach those goals so you just keep falling.
And I can't help but think why did I call the hospital yesterday on leave, why didn't I just try to die again, like it's what I want so why is suicidal actions given second place over getting help. It's stupid.
Mod Squad
Posts: 547
Registered: ‎14-05-2016

Re: Home

@redhead I'm really sorry to hear about how you've been struggling. Thanks for sharing with us. I just want reiterate how brave and strong you are and I really hope you are able to see this too. I can understand your concern about your day leave tomorrow. Talking to someone you trust at the hopsital about this would be good (and important!) - you could work on a plan to keep you safe. Can you do this?

 

It's totally okay to need support - as much and as many times you need it. That's your total right and it does not mean you are not on the path to recovery. 

 

A very strong and resilient part of you wants to live and that's the reason you continue to ask for help. I am so very proud of you. Please stay strong and get the help you need and 100% deserve.

 

I am going to be logging off shortly but I hope you can manage to get some rest tonight. Please take care of yourself. We want you to be safe and see you thrive. 

Builder
Posts: 9,353
Registered: ‎24-04-2014

Re: Home

@Mona-RO thanks. I spoke to my case manager about some of these things.

I just saw the Dr and I'll still be discharged Wednesday. I just hope I can cope.
Mod
Posts: 1,111
Registered: ‎04-10-2016

Re: Home

@redhead well done for talking to your case manager! How did that go?

Good news that you're being discharged Wednesday! The community at RO will be here to support you every step of the way!

My freedom is an agreement with myself. It's an acceptance and love for who I am that isn't dependent on performance or the will of other people - Renee Yohe
Builder
Posts: 9,353
Registered: ‎24-04-2014

Re: Home

@letitgo my case manager is always really supportive.

As much as I'm happy to be going home there is still a certain thought regarding home that I can't get out of my head. I promised myself I would finally die when I get discharged. I don't want to but I feel like I have to. It's stupid. I'm scared.
Builder
Posts: 551
Registered: ‎07-10-2016

Re: Home

Hey @redhead, i'm sorry the thoughts have returned, but perhaps you could also promise yourself to stay safe at home. You are allowed to change your mind. Or perhaps at least agreeing with yourself to contact a case manager or someone if you feel unsafe?
Mod Squad
Posts: 530
Registered: ‎17-10-2016

Re: Home

@redhead I have to agree with @Alison5 around making sure you are keeping open conversations with your case manager/medical team/doctors on any potentially harmful thoughts to you.

Can I just check around your safety - when are you going home? And are the thoughts you are talking about to try to end your life?

Builder
Posts: 9,353
Registered: ‎24-04-2014

Re: Home

@Sally-RO I'm going home on Wednesday. And yeh that's the plan...
Mod Squad
Posts: 530
Registered: ‎17-10-2016

Re: Home

@redhead not trying to pressure you, but looking at it from keeping you safe even when you go home - would you be willing to consider bringing this up to your medical team tonight or tomorrow?

Builder
Posts: 9,353
Registered: ‎24-04-2014

Re: Home

@Sally-RO I mentioned it to my case manager today.

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