Reply
Mod
Posts: 7,175
Registered: ‎10-08-2012

I'm so messed up (TW: abuse)

I know there's already a thread running discussing this issue but I didn't want to be triggered by the posts there, so I'm making my own thread even though I feel like an idiot.

 

Today I told my psychologist about the abuse that happened to me when I was little. It's the first time I've ever talked about it with anyone and it's brought up a lot of emotions that I don't know how to deal with. Part of me questions whether it actually happened because I was only little at the time (most of the physical stuff stopped when I was about 8), but even my mum admitted one day that the neighbours across the road could hear me terrified and screaming from within the house on at least one occasion. They were so concerned they actually came over to see if I was okay, and mum just told them to get lost... I'm so fucking conflicted about my feelings towards my parents, like part of me still loves them of course but also they hurt me so much and I'm so fucked up now because of it. It makes me feel so upset and vulnerable and I feel like I need to die to escape those horrible memories, along with everything else I'm dealing with right now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.
Builder
Posts: 9,353
Registered: ‎24-04-2014

Re: I'm so messed up (TW: abuse)

@lokifish you are really strong and brave. Talking about stuff for the first time is really hard and can bring up a lot, but we'll done for doing so. I want to give you a big cyber hug right now.

What's your favourite self soothing activity that you could give a go, you've done a great job today and I want to see you get through the rest of the day safely. Be gentle with yourself, it's ok to cry, to scream, to feel everything at once or nothing at all. What you're experiencing is valid.
We are here and we care about you.
Builder
Posts: 9,353
Registered: ‎24-04-2014

Re: I'm so messed up (TW: abuse)

Please be safe.
Mod
Posts: 7,175
Registered: ‎10-08-2012

Re: I'm so messed up (TW: abuse)

@redhead thank you Heart I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep last night and really wanted to hurt myself, but I managed to do some colouring and eventually fell asleep sometime after midnight. Talking about it makes it seem more real, whereas before I could kind of pretend those memories were made up. So it's really hard trying to deal with it all and I still really want to die Smiley Sad getting through today feels impossible. I've had breakfast, maybe I can try having a shower. One step at a time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.
Builder
Posts: 9,353
Registered: ‎24-04-2014

Re: I'm so messed up (TW: abuse)

@lokifish one step at a time sounds like a good idea. We are here to help you through this too.
Abuse is hard to deal with. Even though it makes it more real to start with it talking it through is a step towards healing. You are brave to start the journey and I believe you will get through this.

Sending you love and hugs today. You know the helplines if today gets too much and you feel like acting on those thoughts. And we are here too.
Mod
Posts: 218
Registered: ‎19-09-2016

Re: I'm so messed up (TW: abuse)

Hey @lokifish, it is so great that you are working through these issues with a psychologist, it can be quite confronting to have those words said that these memories were actually real. I personally have gone through something similar. It is great that you have some coping strategies in place, especially colouring which is so good for mindfulness.

Definetely try and incorporate some self-care each day, as it is really important, especially when you are going through this highly confronting process. You are such a strong person who has done some amazing things in the forums, so please make sure you are taking that time to look after yourself.

Mod
Posts: 7,175
Registered: ‎10-08-2012

Re: I'm so messed up (TW: abuse)

Yeah, it's just so fucking hard. Dying would be so much easier. I might bring the dog inside and watch some Pooh Bear but I'm just so over everything.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.
Builder
Posts: 14
Registered: ‎23-10-2016

Re: I'm so messed up (TW: abuse)

Hey @lokifish

Thanks for sharing how you're feeling. Ah yes, how exhausting is it being strong and brave?! But seeing a psychologist and looking after yourself with self-care is an amazing effort. You deserve a huge cyber pat on the back!

Hope your dog has helped this afternoon <3 

Community Manager
Posts: 170
Registered: ‎08-12-2016

Re: I'm so messed up (TW: abuse)

Oh @lokifish That's such a rough day. Opening up like that is always going to put you right back there. You have every right to feel utterly devastated.

Do you ever see your feelings as waves? It's an old practice that started with people going through detox and then it started to get applied more broadly because it turns out the brain handles emotional pain in pretty much the same way all the time.

So the idea is that feelings come like waves and the crest of the wave, which is the peak of the bad feelings only lasts for about 3 minutes. It always, ALWAYS, seems much longer but that's because the waves keep coming if you don't pay attention to them. 

That way when the peak of the wave is hitting you, you can remind yourself that this will tsrta to ease off soon and you won't feel like this forever.

Which is very easy for me to say. But I promise that I've applied this when I've felt like my world was ending and it did help a bit.

 

I think we talked about CCI before. have you seen this one?

Mod
Posts: 7,175
Registered: ‎10-08-2012

Re: I'm so messed up (TW: abuse)

@Ngaio-RO I don't really know how to explain any of this, but I find that mindfulness/distress tolerance stuff makes things way worse for me when I focus on the feelings, but it helps when I do it for thoughts (even though the two are both interconnected... Smiley Frustrated) being so agoraphobic I find that giving the physical sensations any attention just magnifies them at this stage. But I've been trying the strategy with my thoughts, so "I'm a useless piece of shit" becomes "my brain is telling me I'm a useless piece of shit". Then I can accept that it's what my brain is telling me, and it's okay to have that thought, but it's just a thought and isn't anything more. And thoughts pass much more clearly than feelings (like one or two seconds) so it's easier to convince myself that it will actually pass. It helps me make some 'space' for it so I can distance myself and move on to other thoughts. But yeah, I don't know if that makes sense and things still suck Smiley Sad

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.

Do you need support?

ReachOut NextStep is a tool that can help you find the best support for you.

Open tool in sidebar
Top High Fived Authors