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Mod
Posts: 8,318
Registered: ‎10-08-2012

I'm trying, and learning

[ Edited ]

So I'm not really sure where to start with this... It'll probably turn into an essay though. I'm not making this thread for pity or sympathy, and I also don't want it to be a thread where I just criticize myself. It's more just a way to share what's going on and try to work out a way forward.

 

If you've spent any time reading the forums you've probably figured out that I'm pretty unwell. And while I'm not the first mod to go through a tough time, I'm probably the first one to be so reliant on this community for support. Up until now there's been a bit of an unspoken divide between the different roles on here - mods are meant to do the supporting, and you guys are meant to be supported, right? Well I've come along and broken that mould and now I have no idea what to do about it. Things that I post carry more weight than they used to and I can't get away with as much. And it all happened pretty quickly - I woke up one day and suddenly I had INFINITE MOD POWERS!1!!1! Smiley Tongue Which is a big change to get used to. So I'm still learning. I'm going to fuck up. And I'm sorry if I'm not always a perfect role model.

 

At the mod training workshop last year someone suggested to me that I designate "mod time" and "normal user time" which sounded great in theory, but what I've found is that I need to be in mod mode all the time. Everything I post has my rank attached to it. If I ask for support on here and then throw it back in people's faces, that's not being a good role model. It's hypocritical of me to constantly encourage you all to access crisis support if you need it, but then turn around and say that helplines are stupid/useless when I'm struggling myself. Or reminding you to not post about tough times in the hanging out threads, but then I do the same thing because I'm upset and not thinking properly. So I'm sorry if I seem a bit hypocritical at times. I'm not perfect. But I am trying.

 

That being said it's not enough to just say you're sorry and leave it at that. Mistakes often make the best learning opportunities, so I'm going to use this as a way to learn how to better care for myself and use my supports more effectively. A few things I want to try sticking to:

 

  • Plan my day and stick to a routine. I find that my mood doesn't crash as hard if I've got a rough plan of what I'm doing each day. I think it would be good to do each morning, either on this thread or on a scrap piece of paper.
  • If I write a post and it has 5000 swear words and/or a heap of caps, don't post it. Scribble it on a piece of paper instead - then I can always rip it up if I later decide I don't want anyone to read it. There's nothing wrong with swearing (I've already done it in this thread) but I find that excessive swearing is a pretty good indication that I'm distressed, and when I'm distressed I can be really resistive to help. Which isn't a good look for a mod. I'm better off waiting for things to settle down a little before posting about it on here.
  • Getting off the forums by around 8pm. I'm a morning person and my mood always drops after lunchtime, and then falls off a cliff by the time evening rolls around. I'm not in the right mindset to be posting on here at night. Getting ready for bed is much more helpful than more screen time.
  • Not looking at tough times stuff in the evenings. It just tends to add to my distress. I can always check in with the person the next morning

I told you this would turn into an essay Smiley Tongue This isn't a perfect post. But it's a start Smiley Happy

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Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.
Mod
Posts: 352
Registered: ‎19-09-2016

Re: I'm trying, and learning

That's great @lokifish that you are working on ways to help yourself, and even setting a good example for others in the community Smiley Happy

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Builder
Posts: 9,935
Registered: ‎24-04-2014

Re: I'm trying, and learning

@lokifish
Tbh i think its still great that you ask for support and also give great support yourself. it reminds me that everyone is human and goes through things. i learn a lot from what you post, a lot of your topics or themes i can relate to.
its good that your setting boundaries, but we are also here if you need us.
Mod
Posts: 8,318
Registered: ‎10-08-2012

Re: I'm trying, and learning

@redhead I really appreciate that Smiley Happy I learn so much from talking to everyone here (including you) and I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have access to the support here. This thread hasn't come out of nowhere though - it's the result of a chat I had with @Ben-RO about the drama that happened on the RNIA thread on the weekend (I'm not sure if you saw it before all the posts were removed, but it got a bit nasty and guidelines were broken) as well as the posts I made yesterday.

 

Anyway it's 8pm so I'm going to stick to my word and get off here for the night Smiley Tongue

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Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.
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Builder
Posts: 16,261
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: I'm trying, and learning

Hey @lokifish thanks for sharing. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate what you do so much on RO and I understand that we all go through tough times. I think you are an excellent role model despite the mistakes you might make, because everyone does it.
Thanks for sharing a little bit more about whats going on for you.
//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//

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