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Frequent scribe
Posts: 24
Registered: ‎14-09-2013

Irresponsible boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3yrs - in that time he has never had constant employment. He has anxiety/depression just like me. He hasn't seen any psychiatrists/doctors long enough to get any help. He is always stressed and unhappy. He is judgemental, irresponsible, and has deeply seeded issues with attatchment. I have leant him substantial amounts of money and not received it back. I'm a student - I'm trying to deal with my own mental health issues + his at the same time while trying to build a life for myself. I've often written posts on here about him before. It seems like he is an awful person from what I've just said, but he is very smart, caring, funny and loving. However his behaviour is now affecting me and everyone around him. He refuses to accept that he is causing any problems. I've spent my inheritance money trying to help him, but theres been no change and no support from his family. He goes to uni now which is great, but he is still so irresponsible - and it is almost like he is my son - which is disturbing. I try to avoid having sex, I hate it to be perfectly honest. If I move back home with my parents he won't be able to pay rent. His parents wont take him back. I can't leave him because he doesn't have the capacity to care for himself. I feel like I need to be selfish and move back home, but at the same time I need to look after him otherwise theres a good chance he might try to hurt himself. I'm tired of having to pay for him and be responsible for his things. 

Any advice?

Mod
Posts: 2,085
Registered: ‎20-11-2013

Re: Irresponsible boyfriend

Hey @GraceInSpace93, that's sounds like a really tough situation to be in. On the one hand, you really want to be there for him, but on the other hand it's becoming increasingly difficult to do so and still look after yourself. 

 

While it's amazing that you've tried to help him in so many ways for so long (your post makes it so clear what a caring and empathetic partner you are), there unfortunately comes a point with some relationships in many peoples lives where a person does more harm than good. The concerns you've laid out here are completely valid and at the end of the day you need to make sure that you're doing what's best for you. Have you had a conversation with him about moving back home for the reasons you've told us?

 

On a separate note, I'm a bit concerned about what you've mentioned about avoiding having sex and hating it. Is this something you're feeling pressured into doing?

Frequent scribe
Posts: 24
Registered: ‎14-09-2013

Re: Irresponsible boyfriend

@Chessca_H I have spoken to him about it. I've spoken to his family too and my own psychiatrist. They think I'm being manipulated and I agree with them. I care about him as well and it wouldn't be good for my own self-conscious to neglect him. But at the same time, I've tried to explain myself to him and how he is making me and others feel, but he just doesn't understand (or is in denial). And no I'm not being pressured into sex or anything. I just dont like it, its a chore and because he is so needy and manipulative it just isnt really something I want to be doing. If we do have sex its always consensual its just that I would rather be doing other things. Its gross - I'd rather watch Netflix. I think I've always been like that. I will make it clear though that he has never harmed me physically in any way. He just causes a lot of emotional angst for a lot of people. Myself and his sister are actively searching for help for him and encouraging him to seek help as well. But he is reluctant and anxious (understandably). His sister and I worry that the manipulative behaviour might be linked to sociopathy ( although we're not trained medical professionals so we cant be sure). He is very insecure and in a lot of emotional pain so its understandable that his behaviour is directly linked to his own insecurity. 

Mod
Posts: 1,722
Registered: ‎23-09-2014

Re: Irresponsible boyfriend

Hey @GraceInSpace93! It does sound like you're in a difficult situation. You sound like you're really committed to this relationship and to helping your boyfriend, but from what you're saying it seems emotionally exhausting for you. It also sounds like you're making an effort to get him to understand how his behaviour is affecting you, but he doesn't seem to be acknowledging what you say.

 

Like @Chessca_H mentioned, ultimately you do need to put your own needs first, especially since it seems like you're really putting in a lot of effort and not getting much back. It's good that you're getting so much support from his family and your psychiatrist! What have they suggested to you about how to deal with this situation?

Frequent scribe
Posts: 24
Registered: ‎14-09-2013

Re: Irresponsible boyfriend

@safari93 Everyone has pretty said to give up and stop trying to help. But I don't see that as a good alternative, because then he would just keep repeating his pattern of behaviour. I have considered breaking up with him, but before I met him I was extremely anxious and depressed, I couldnt even leave my house. He has helped me so much with my anxiety and depression, and I have helped him too. But he just isn't improving and now its holding me and others back. He is very emotionally draining, but also we have a lot of fun together and enjoy each others company. If we broke up or I stopped helping him, the likely scenario would be that I move back home with my parents (not ideal, as I'm 24) and where they live is far away from uni and my friends. He has made some major changes (like moving out/ going to uni) but his emotional stability is still the same. He does not assume responsibility for himself or his belongings or personal issues.

Mod
Posts: 157
Registered: ‎29-09-2016

Re: Irresponsible boyfriend

Hey @GraceInSpace93, I can identify a little with what you are going through.. It is a really tough potision to be in but I agree with @safari93 and @Chessca_H, it's really important to put yourself first. My ex boyfriend was dealing with a depression for most of our relationship and he was completely unmotivated to do anything about it himself.. He relied alot on me to feel happy and good, which at first I thought was a good thing that I was able to bring him out of his darkness and make him happy, it was actually a bit empowering if I'm honest, but he became pretty dependent on ME making him happy, rather than him figuring out how to make himself happy Smiley Frustrated As time went on, this reliance also became very draining to the point that I was exhaused and overwhelmed, which was obviously not good for my own mental health, but it also meant I no longer had the energy to keep supporting him in the ways I previously had been able to... It was a really tough decision to end the relationship because it felt like all the hard work and effort I had put into supporting him and building our relationship had been for nothing, but I came to accept that what we gave and learnt from each other during that period was still meaningful and neither of us would be where we are today without it . I was also very terrified that he would hurt himself if I left, and was racked with guilt, but he actually suprised me and it turned out the break up and me no longer being around to do everything for him was sort of a massive wake up call that he needed to stop relying on others and and actually prompted him sort his stuff out himself.. 

 

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