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Builder
Posts: 15,626
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Patterns of relating

I want to share something here that is a big part of my journey and is something I'm trying really hard to work on and recognise.

 

I have these patterns of relating 'dominating' and 'small and stupid. I came up with my names myself. The pattern is when I  start feeling “small and stupid/ not worthy” when something feels  “dominating” (e.g. a person) I can get really angry, frustrated and “dominating”.

This would eventually lead to me feeling bad and guilty and continue the “small and stupid” in relation to “dominating”. I hope I'm making sense here. So basically, when somebody ticks me off and makes me angry I go into this dominating mode where I'm aggresive and take on the characteristics and behaviours of my dad, but then I feel bad about myself and the 'small and stupid' mode comes in, where I feel small and hate myself for saying and doing whatever it was while I was dominating.

 

When I'm 'dominating' I look like this: 

 

- angry

- aggresive

- swearing

- behaviour that is similar to the way dad used to be

 

When I'm 'small and stupid' I look like this:

 

- feeling hurt

- feeling small

- being very passive

- using negative language towards myself 'im a loser' etc - this can also come under dominating, it sort of works for both

- i go back into myself and hide in my shell

 

EXAMPLES:

 

When I was a kid I experienced my dad as“dominating” when he would hurt me and I felt really “small and stupid” in relation to this.

 

One day I was really angry at Kids HelpLine and I called them and told them I hated them and that I wish they were all dead and then I went online and emailed them all these aggresive emails,  this was me being "dominating" and making them feel "small and stupid", then I felt bad, because I felt embarassed and guilty - I then went into small mode and apologised. 

 

I have to catch myself when i am in the “dominating” or “small and stupid”, Especially when I am doing it to myself.

I need to think "Shit! I think I’m doing that thing where I am dominating and am being really harsh to myself…”

 "I'm being really dominating right now and I am being unfair to somebody else now they are going to feel small and stupid"

 

 

When I notice it, it allows myself to work out my options and decide on how I want to treat myself and the people around me. 

 

The trick is to identify the patterns and while I'm in them that is hard. 

So I'm sharing this because some people might relate or might be able to help me out when I'm in one of these modes.

And I guess its about finding a balance too...

 

I'm pretty sure none of that made sense but anyway.

 

 

//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//
Super star contributor
Posts: 2,818
Registered: ‎26-08-2016

Re: Patterns of relating

@j95 it makes sense.

Do you have strategies for when are "dominating mode" and then for "small and stupid" mode? Like are you able to identify what might be helpful for you in each situation?

Builder
Posts: 15,626
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: Patterns of relating

Mostly just recognising it for now @loves netball catching myself before I hurt someone else or myself
//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//
Builder
Posts: 595
Registered: ‎07-10-2016

Re: Patterns of relating

I think that's great you can notice and even catch yourself before doing something @j95!
That's awesome self-awareness.

It all made sense btw, but do you think this could be something you bring up with a counsellor? They may have some really good strategies and long-term solutions for this.

Perhaps every time you catch yourself before being either "dominating" or "small and stupid" you could reward yourself and do some self-care? It may then begin to turn into a habit. Smiley Happy
Builder
Posts: 15,626
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: Patterns of relating

@Alison5 this has been put together with my counsellor, they helped me identify all this. I'm still learning to catch myself it's hard
//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//
Builder
Posts: 595
Registered: ‎07-10-2016

Re: Patterns of relating

Awesome! Well make sure you reward yourself every time you do. I can imagine that would be very difficult.
Builder
Posts: 15,626
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: Patterns of relating

Yeah I'm not very good at it yet
//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//
Community Manager
Posts: 5,336
Registered: ‎20-08-2015

Re: Patterns of relating

Is there stuff we can do to help you catch it @j95 how can we help?

 

Builder
Posts: 15,626
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: Patterns of relating

I guess the best thing for me right is to recognise I'm doing it, or before I even get to that point, like actually stopping myself and thinking oh what am I doing? This pattern has started.

I'm not really sure RO can do, I guess it's difficult because online it's easier for me to filter things anyway and you obviously don't see how I'm really acting but I guess if anyone notices it it would helpful for them to bring it up with me @Ben-RO
//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//
Builder
Posts: 15,626
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: Patterns of relating

I guess it'll mostly be the small stuff on RO like I don't think I get aggressive or dominating here very much
//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//

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