22-12-2016 11:14 AM
I want to share something here that is a big part of my journey and is something I'm trying really hard to work on and recognise.
I have these patterns of relating 'dominating' and 'small and stupid. I came up with my names myself. The pattern is when I start feeling “small and stupid/ not worthy” when something feels “dominating” (e.g. a person) I can get really angry, frustrated and “dominating”.
This would eventually lead to me feeling bad and guilty and continue the “small and stupid” in relation to “dominating”. I hope I'm making sense here. So basically, when somebody ticks me off and makes me angry I go into this dominating mode where I'm aggresive and take on the characteristics and behaviours of my dad, but then I feel bad about myself and the 'small and stupid' mode comes in, where I feel small and hate myself for saying and doing whatever it was while I was dominating.
When I'm 'dominating' I look like this:
- behaviour that is similar to the way dad used to be
When I'm 'small and stupid' I look like this:
- feeling hurt
- feeling small
- being very passive
- using negative language towards myself 'im a loser' etc - this can also come under dominating, it sort of works for both
- i go back into myself and hide in my shell
When I was a kid I experienced my dad as“dominating” when he would hurt me and I felt really “small and stupid” in relation to this.
One day I was really angry at Kids HelpLine and I called them and told them I hated them and that I wish they were all dead and then I went online and emailed them all these aggresive emails, this was me being "dominating" and making them feel "small and stupid", then I felt bad, because I felt embarassed and guilty - I then went into small mode and apologised.
I have to catch myself when i am in the “dominating” or “small and stupid”, Especially when I am doing it to myself.
I need to think "Shit! I think I’m doing that thing where I am dominating and am being really harsh to myself…”
"I'm being really dominating right now and I am being unfair to somebody else now they are going to feel small and stupid"
When I notice it, it allows myself to work out my options and decide on how I want to treat myself and the people around me.
The trick is to identify the patterns and while I'm in them that is hard.
So I'm sharing this because some people might relate or might be able to help me out when I'm in one of these modes.
And I guess its about finding a balance too...
I'm pretty sure none of that made sense but anyway.
22-12-2016 11:22 AM
@j95 it makes sense.
Do you have strategies for when are "dominating mode" and then for "small and stupid" mode? Like are you able to identify what might be helpful for you in each situation?
22-12-2016 02:00 PM
That's awesome self-awareness.
It all made sense btw, but do you think this could be something you bring up with a counsellor? They may have some really good strategies and long-term solutions for this.
Perhaps every time you catch yourself before being either "dominating" or "small and stupid" you could reward yourself and do some self-care? It may then begin to turn into a habit.
22-12-2016 04:37 PM
I'm not really sure RO can do, I guess it's difficult because online it's easier for me to filter things anyway and you obviously don't see how I'm really acting but I guess if anyone notices it it would helpful for them to bring it up with me @Ben-RO