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Community Manager
Posts: 5,031
Registered: ‎20-08-2015

Re: Patterns of relating

well, to start, if recognise a small and stupid mode, how should we point it out in a way that is okay for you?

 

Would it help if you talked through examples with us when they happened (you don't have to!)

Builder
Posts: 14,947
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: Patterns of relating

[ Edited ]

A simple reminder that I need to stop and think about how I'm dealing with things is fine 

Some suggestions include...

 

- Explaining what you see happening, "I'm noticing your language changing and you seem to be getting aggressive, is that maybe in relation to <insert possible trigger>" 

Something outward and simple like "You are showing signs of being in this dominating mode" 

"You are in the pattern j" 

"is this behaviour helpful?" 

"I think it's time to stop and think about what you are thinking and feeling right now and if it's rational *suggest breathing excersises, anything to make me calm so that I can think*" 

"I feel like you are being really dominating towards me and it's making me feel really small and stupid, I don't like it" (almost like making me feel guilty but this is tough one as I could send me the opposite way and make me feel so small that the pattern continues)

 

 

Examples of when I've been in small mode....

 

- When I went to visit Mum one day she was extremley aggressive to me, and was dominating me, and I felt small and stupid, and as a result, got angry for letting it happen, so I got angry and aggressive back at her, then later sent a million text messages apologising to her because I felt small and stupid.

That's a pretty bad example. 

 

I giess another one  for small and stupid mode would be when my Dad used to hurt me - he was displaying all the signs of this dominating behaviour while I was displaying everything in small mode...

 

When I feel that somebody is ignoring me, I get this belief in my head they are doing it on purpose, and that they are being dominating so I go into small mode and think all this bad stuff about myself and why they might not be listening 

 

im struggling with examples right now but I do have a tonne 

//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//
Builder
Posts: 14,947
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: Patterns of relating

Hey @Ben-RO I just read through your question again and I'm not sure if you meant times it happened on RO or in other parts of my life? 

//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//
Community Manager
Posts: 5,031
Registered: ‎20-08-2015

Re: Patterns of relating

Both, i've been really good at asking confusing questions over the last week lol, Sorry @j95

Builder
Posts: 14,947
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: Patterns of relating

@Ben-RO and I've been really good at not understanding basic questions this week lol. I'm struggling a bit with examples of this happening on RO, I know it has happened though, when I think of some I'll post them
//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//
Builder
Posts: 14,947
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: Patterns of relating

Ok @Ben-RO this is a pretty bad example but it's better than nothing...
http://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Getting-Help/Short-Sads/td-p/170419/page/627

So I was feeling really dominating towards everybody, hence the rant and the multiple angry posts, then I felt bad for breaking guidelines and for getting angry and went into small mode and felt like hurting myself because I felt everyone really hated me, I was worthless, called myself all these names, felt stupid. It's a pretty bad example because looking back, nobody was really 'dominating' towards me, like @Sally-RO didn't seem angry or anything, I was just switching between the two and I don't really know how or why. So again, not the best example but it is one.
//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//
Builder
Posts: 14,947
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: Patterns of relating

THIS OMG THIS

So many examples of me switching between the two in the one thread, I go from being angry to putting myself down to angry at others, and myself to then feeling shit and putting myself down, it's just a pattern wow

http://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Something-s-not-right/Everything-sucks-right-now/m-p/179826#M15279
//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//
Community Manager
Posts: 5,031
Registered: ‎20-08-2015

Re: Patterns of relating

It's cool that you can see it, i guess with other types of conversations it's actually quite tricky to play it back, as we don't just have a thread we can look back on normally.

 

What can you learn from this? Does being able to see it play out help you think about ways to notice next time?

Builder
Posts: 14,947
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: Patterns of relating

And basically all my emails and chats from when I was contacting eheadspace display the same pattern @Ben-RO
It helps a little but honestly not that much... sometimes when I'm in this head space I don't realise, which makes it tricky. At the moment, I'm still learning to recognise it and relying on other people to pull me up on it (which isn't ideal but small steps!)
//caught in fire, watch me burn gonna live my life, mark these words cause I'm home//
Community Manager
Posts: 5,031
Registered: ‎20-08-2015

Re: Patterns of relating

Having a way of decribing what's happening for you is huge @j95 and like you said the next step is learning to recognise it, for yourself and with the help of others (like us here).

 

What i am wondering is what's the healthy alternative? Maybe figuring that out could help us figure out what to do instead of small or dominating mode? Might take a while to figure out what that looks like, or maybe you already have an idea and it's about figuring out to do it, where are you at?

 

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