Struggling to communicate!!!
Hey Guys,
So this week I saw the counsellor my previous organised for me to see (after he cancelled the frist apt!) anyway after the first session I'm very much in two minds about continuing with him. I cannot seem to make a solid decision about it. Part of me wants to just give up, say I'm not ready and leave it because it feels too hard, and I feel too intimidated by him. But then part of me actually wants to get better and heal emotionally! I'm also aware how fragile I've been recently and am just very torn in what to actually do.
He ran through this therapy he wants to do with me, DBT which when he described it when I first met him in a joint session with my previous counsellor sounded like something I wanted to do. That may actually help as I've not had much luck with CBT before. (But that was a combination of the wrong psych and me not being fully commited) I felt like the whole first session with this guy was just him talking, and I felt discouraged to open up about anything, not that I really knew what to talk about, having not had a counselling session since the very start of Jan! But part of me just feels like I need someone to talk to more than someone sitting there trying to change my mind. I know change is inevitable to feel better, but I have so many mixed emotions about it all.
I don't know how to bring up with this guy that I don't know if I want to continue this therapy or not. I'm actually feeling really resistant to talk to him at all!
And as if loosing my counsellor wasn't enough ontop of my feet and everything, my gp left near the end of Jan just as I had my last operation. While I've now found a gp who I like and can talk to, it's taking a bit to build up that repaul with her. But I'm seeing her again on the 29th to reassess my ability to return to work - which I'm also in two minds about. As it turns out she'll be one of hte practicing gps at the headspace centre we were meant to get in December 2015... I felt ok to talk to her about things, but just didn't say what I really needed to say despite it being written down in my phone infront of me....
I guess the big thing is I'm really struggling to communicate most of what I'm feeling and how I'm actually coping, and there's this huge resistance to actually talk to anyone. I don't really understand anymore....
Comments
How have you been feeling about these things recently?
Did you make any decisions about the counsellor? Or get to say the things in your phone to the new doctor?
Hey there @Bee 🙂
I'm glad to hear that stuff is happening for you - counsellor appt *and* GP appt! And it's great to hear that even though you're not 100% sure about how you feel about your new counsellor, you are still considering if you want to give DBT a go. You mentioned that when he first talked to you about DBT in your joint session, you liked the sound of it. What was it that sounded good to you?
blithe
@CICI I've decided not to continue with the counsellor. I'm just not in the place to want to share right now. And I know that's probably going backwards - I feel like I am, but in other ways I'm stronger, that or I'm just hiding beneath the facade again. I canceled my last apt and said I'd ring back to make a new one, it's kinda a cop out I know, but I don't know how to say I don't want to continue.
In all complete honesty, I feel like giving up. I've had a rough few days with pain in my foot and had to have xrays done again! And I got a copy incase my surgeon needs to see them so I can mail them if needed, but I looked at them and there is this weird lump on one of the bones which looks abnormal, and kinda like rheumatoid arthritis 😕 but I have to wait till Monday to find out unless my GP rings before then... I just feel like my whole world is crashing down around me :'(
Hey @Bee, glad that you decided to come and talk to us about what's going on.
I have been around for a lot of your journey and know how far you have come. SO far. It's been amazing to see.
Despite what you think about yourself you are resilient and try again when things don't work the way you wanted. So where is that strength now? My question to you is: if you are giving up DBT before you even begin - what are you going to do instead? You can't keep doing doing the same thing anc expecting a different outcome.
You said you feel like giving up on help altogether, and I know it feels confronting but I really encourage you to call your counsellor and tell them why you don't want to continue so they can either:
- change what they are doing
- suggests ways they could address your issues
- refer you to something/someone else
Also, you know it's impossible for lay-people like us to interpret x-rays! Now your mind's going into overdrive for no reason! Sounds like next time you might want to just wait until you see the doc!!!
@Sophie_RO I think part of me is just so out of routine with everything and really being off work and this injury it's blown everything up. I think part of it is also the fact I've had to change counsellor so I'm not overly familiar with the guy leading it and it feels maybe a bit too structured for me right now. But I will try to ring him tomorrow and see what happens.
I know I can't keep doing the same things, and I guess I've made this decision to leave DBT for the moment because I know I'm not in the right space to attempt it properly, and it's nothing something I can just half-arse with. Half-effort will only get you so far. And really it's a case of just getting one thing at a time fixed in my life right now. Top priority is my foot. Because without my pain fully controlled I'm never going to get anywhere with my mood or thinking. There's also a couple other health issues I need to get sorted aswell which my doc thinks could also be playing with my mental health.
I kinda know what I want and need from a counsellor right now, I just need to find the right person.. (well I know who'd be excellent, but she moved to Spain!)
with the x-ray, yes I know, but I couldn't help myself. I think what I was looking at was actually normal bone! I also freaked out because there is a VERY high tendancy of rheumatoid arthritis in my family 4/4 grandparents, my oldest brother has a form of arthritis and my mum has just been diagnosed with osteo ontop of her other form of arthritis! And I've had some symptoms for years on and off but it's never come tested positive. On the flip side to my googling, I kinda know what to expect with treatment IF (A BIG IF) I was right.
More so it just feels like everything is falling apart because one day I can be so good. I can drive around and go in and out of a heap of shops after my hydro in the morning, and the next I'm feeling flatter than a pancake! And there is so much going on inside my head, work wise, family, extended family, friendships, etc that with the unpredictability of my foot it's just too much pressure and stress.
Yesterday was just well untruly a very bad day for me. Anything that could go wrong did. And because I stressed over it, it all got worse. I literally got stuck in a cycle.
I think I need to talk to my gp about incresing this medication dose also. She did say a while back to increase if I had no effect after 2 weeks, but I don't feel comfortable to increase without her telling me to.
Hey @Bee, it sounds like you are on the track, there is nothing wrong with waiting to try and find the right counsellor for you, you have to be able to feel comfortable to get the best out of yourself.
That sucks about yesterday, but its great that you can admit when you've had a bad day. Do you have strategies to deal with these things when you are having a bad day?
On the GP idea, it's definitely a good idea to speak to them first about any medication changes. Hope it all works out @Bee, we are here if you need to discuss anything else.
As for my last post my xray turned out fine. I was totally worrying over nothing. However that being said my GP now wants an MRI done, so I'm back to the specialist next month. *rolls eyes*
Yeah I agree with the medication change, I was meant to tell her I wasn't feeling comfortable with following directions like that, especially given how easily it can be for me to be caught in a spin. But I wasn't in the right space to talk about it, and she ended up increasing my dose anyway... Monday was the first time she's seen me really struggle with this, and I think that had a bit of an impact in the decision to increase the dose, plus I've been open with how little anything I'm doing.
I don't know if I'm in the midst of another breakdown as to why each day just feels So. very. hard. or what it is.
Even my physio today when I went in for a review on my foot said it was obvious how down I'd been recently, that she could just tell each morning when I came to the pool that I wasn't ok, and that that wouldn't be helping my foot any either. So we had a bit of a chat, and I assured her my GP knew about it. (ironically they pretty much said the same thing)
Amongst it all though, I really just want to shut myself out from the world. Nothing feels good anymore. not even hydrotherapy. I only get anxious every morning. I'm skipping breakfast. I couldn't care about lunch. And I'm sleeping in the afternoons because I have no energy. I'll eat tea, and then barely sleep at night. I know I need to get back into a regular pattern, but I question the point of it all. Why!? Why bother when every time I try to better life, something happens which knocks me down or tells me I can't achieve that.
Hey @Bee, it sounds like you are going through a rough patch at the moment, I'm hoping you are ok. Do you have someone you can talk to tonight? Maybe a close friend or a family member? Sometimes just saying how you are feeling out loud can help alot. If you don't have anyone to talk about, maybe you could consider chatting to eheadspace online?
Have you tried anything for your anxiety in the past? There are some great tips at this link here if you have time to read up on it, there might be some great options for you to consider to help with this.
It's great to hear that your x-rays were all fine, and that your GP appointment was positive as well. Let us know how you are going tonight.
