14-05-2017 10:03 AM
So I have been struggling with what I think is Bulimia for about 2.5 years now.
Basically, it all started when my friend called me fat one day and I looked in the mirror and thought ''she's right". I was 75kg at the time, which was slightly above the recommended for my height (I'm 5'8'') I decided to change my life, I went on a diet and joined a gym, I seriously cared about the processed foods I was putting in my body before and how much they had damaged me. Anyways, I ended up dropping down to 55kg at my lowest, I was feeling myself! Like I thought I looked so hot, I still got fussy about things not looking nice on me sometimes but overall I was happy with myself and my life. Then my parents started to get worried because the weight was just not staying on at all, I kept losing kgs without trying. My period stopped, and my Mum says white hair stared growing on my arms but I honestly didn't even notice.
Then I started my senior years of schooling. With the HSC on the horizon, in Year 11 I put so much pressure on myself to study and do well, that in my spare time I would binge eat. When I started feeling sad about that, I wouldn't eat for the entire day the next day and go to the gym twice. It was slightly irregular then, but it progressively got worse. During Year 12, I would struggle to focus on my studies because I was so tired all the time, I never slept because I was so stressed and it just made me more likely to binge the next day. That's when I started throwing up. I would get in the shower after eating an insane amount of food (so much that it hurt), and then throw up until I couldn't anymore. That happened almost every night in the lead up to my HSC.
When I finished school, it got even worse. I had my license so I would just go out to the local shops and buy every bit of junk food I could find. Then I would sit and eat it in my car by myself. Then I would come home some hours later, having lied to my parents about where I've been, and then hop in the shower.
I am in first year university now, and I weigh 75 kg again. I keep trying to stop myself, I am in my own head all the time. I want to go and see someone about it but I'm scared. Mostly that I will fail at getting better, or that they won't be able to help me, or that my parents might find out about what I've done for the past year and a half. I constantly reject invitations from my friends to go out because I feel so terrible about myself. I don't want to be this way any more. I need help!
All I can think about now is, what is my cholesterol like right now. I worry about going to the dentist because I think that maybe he can tell. I worry about my teeth being ruined and my throat being burned. I need help, please.
14-05-2017 12:50 PM
Hi @red99 welcome to ReachOut! Well done for being brave and opening up about your struggle with eating disorder. You are not alone in this and many others face similar issues. There is support available to help you through this. ReachOut has a useful page on support for eating disorders. It lists different support services that you can use like the Butterfly Foundation and National Eating Disorder Collaboration.
I just want to emphasize that your friend had no right to comment on your body. That's not a very friend like thing to do. There's no one way to be and unfortunately the pressure on looking a certain way can make so many of us feeling inadequate. If we can learn to accept ourselves, we won't feel as pressured on changing ourselves to fit into someone else's idea of how a girl or a guy must look. Therapy can help us unpack some of the negative beliefs that are behind our unhealthy, harmful habits/strategies.
I'm really glad you've made the decision to get help. You can start with contacting one of the support services listed and you can also start looking for a therapist to see in person. It may take a few tries before you find a therapist that you'll really feel comfortable with but it's worth the effort. I don't doubt that if you are determined to get help that you will succeed.
We hope to keep hearing from you here. Take care.