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Builder
Posts: 14,121
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

putting my thoughts into words

[ Edited ]
I'm just getting some thoughts out, feel free to ignore if you want. 
I have found that being outdoors amongst nature really gets my brain going. The opportunity to disconnect and unwind really does wonders for me. 
It can either 
  • Distract me from no so great things happening 
  • Allow me think through the not so great things happening and see them in a different light. The environment allows me to do this in calm way. 
I really like surfing and sometimes on super flat days I'll head out despite there being no waves. 
I'll paddle out past the break and just sit on my board.  That's what i did today, and I came up with lots of things in my head, good thinking time. 
The reason I went out was because had a difficult night and morning dealing with some heavy emotions around my family and experiences. 
I paddled out, passed all the people and found the perfect spot. 
I was doing that technique of meditation "Where are my hands" except  with my whole body. I felt the my body sitting on the board, that neoprene on my skin, my calves and feet hanging in the water, which was a little cool on my feet. I could hear the tiny waves breaking on the shore in the distance. 
 
It got me thinking about a few different things that I wanted to share, and I'm going to post a couple of them. 
 
 
I was thinking a lot about my family, particularly my siblings and how far they've grown and how I can turn my worry about them into helping them grow to be strong and loving people. I spend a lot of my time thinking about ways I can help them flourish. Then it lead me to think about what I do for myself, and how I've broken cycles in my family and gone above and beyond the low expecatations everybody set for me from day 1. I'm the first person in my family to have a job, to basically do anything productive with their life when I was told I'd end up being nothing and doing nothing. As an adult I have taught myself important life skills like how to swim, as well as in the stages of opening my own business. I've gone from being the teenager seeing specialists to get me up to same level as my peers in different areas, to a fully independent adult. 
The feeling of accomplishment and pride is amazing and I'd like my siblings to one day feel that about themselves. I really want them to grow up and think about how strong they must be for getting through what is such a scary time for them. I came up with a heap of different ways I can support them. 
 
The next thing I wanted to share was similar, its about giving myself the life I want and no longer letting the crap people in my life hold me back. And that's what I've been doing, I've been putting barriers around the people that hurt me and doing things that make me happy like skateboarding, surfing, and landscaping. They are the things I want in my life, not being let down by people
who were supposed to be there for me. The people that hurt me don't deserve space in my brain, thats what they want, they want me to believe everything they said about me and I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to prove to all the people that doubted me, and myself, that I am going to make something of my life and that they are not worth my time. I'm proud of being me and how much I've been able to push past to end up as the person  I am now. I mess up a lot and things suck sometimes but I'm working on it and that is the main thing!
 
 
 I also thought about
  • how many different types of breeds of dogs there might be
  • how close a shark could come to the shore
  • lots of repeated song lyrics
  • that there is a hole in my wetsuit 
 
 
 
 
TLDR: just putting my thoughts into words about the future and past and that im no longer letting people control me, and also about how i want the best for my siblings. 
 
 
Mod Squad
Posts: 547
Registered: ‎14-05-2016

Re: putting my thoughts into words

That’s such an awesome post @j95. You’re a pretty good writer too. Do you write in a journal?

 

Being out in nature is incredibly soothing. In Japan they have this term called ‘forest bathing’ where people go out into the woods and let nature ‘wash’ over them. The meditative moment you had on the surfboard sounds powerful. I’m wondering if you have nature sounds on audio or something like that. It can help with sleeping!

 

After reading what you wrote, I want to say I am so proud of you. It’s inspiring to hear about how you’ve come to be such a strong, talented individual despite all odds. And I am so glad you are able to see it too. I have no doubt your siblings think the world of you and look up to you. With you being there for them, they know there is a different way of growing up and living. You are proof. You are doing a wonderful job with them. If you feel like sharing, you can tell us what are some of the other ways you’ve thought of helping them.

 

It is so important to build a life that’s filled with things and people that are healthy for us. I hear you about not wanting negative, toxic people in our lives. There are phases in our journey where we absolutely have to focus on ourselves and really aim towards building a positive, thriving life. I also want to say that you are lovable as you are Smiley Happy

 

I liked the other random things you thought about. How many breeds of dogs are there?? And can you still surf with the hole in the wetsuit? Oh and also, was it hard to learn to swim as an adult?

Builder
Posts: 14,121
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: putting my thoughts into words

@Mona-RO

To be honest I've always considered myself a pretty terrible writer, so thats really nice, thank you Smiley Happy I don't write in a journal but maybe I should start. 

 

I used an app on my phone called Relax Melodies, and I use the rain setting to help me sleep, and sometimes I layer it with other nature or urban noises like trains in the distance, which is funny because I can hear trains from my house anyway haha. I have set myself a really good sleep routine using that app. The meditation was really soothing, I sort of just wanted to put my head down on the board and rest but I decided thats not a safe thing to do in the ocean and if I leaned forward while sitting on my board I'd probably fall off. 

I've thought of lots and lots of ways to support my siblings, I'll share them a little later, I'm about to go for a quick skate.. haha maybe thats more thinking time...

 

I did some research and there is around 340 dog breeds!! wow!

and yes I can still surf with a hole in my wetsuit it just means that the water will get in and I'll get cold, which sort of ruins the purpose of it, lucky it wasnt too cold today and the hole is only tiny. 

Also learning to swim was a bit tricky, but I only started in January of last year and I can now swim over 1km in the pool without stopping. The first ever time I went I couldn't swim to save myself, I definitely looked like I was drowning and I think one time the lifegaurd asked me if I was ok... but then I just kept going, doing my research, watching others, then hopping in the pool to make it happen. I joined an adult swimming squad when I started to feel more confident, and they have helped me heaps! We meet once a week and theres a couch there for tips and stuff. We are all at different levels of ability but I think I'm at the same level as a majority of the group now. I don't think I'm too bad of a swimmer to be honest. 

 

 

Builder
Posts: 14,121
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: putting my thoughts into words

It's tough because I have to work within the limitations of their care arrangements so I cant really support them the way I want to.
One thing I'd really like for them is me to just be approachable. I want them to be able to come around in the holidays and hang it, or come over after school so I can help them with their homework or so they can hang out with my dogs.
I just want to spend more time with them. At the moment I feel like once a week isn't really adequate enough for both them and me. I feel like yes they do see me as a brother, but almost like a part time brother, like only when they're allowed to see me. They can't just call me up or message me for a chat. So I want to be able to get that relationship stronger.
I guess I really just them to feel connection to their family and to feel safe and happy. It's really hard when you can't do any of those things with them.
Just a couple of ideas..

We could go to an aboriginal activity centre which I have been looking at lately, they do different activities and have groups there. I feel like my siblings don't get to look into their culture very much so I think that would be nice. I think it would be difficult to arrange though.

Another thing I thought about would like a place or a time they know I'm there and try can come see me and hang out, without making it sound too forced. So like eg i'll be at the library doing my own work on a Wednesday and they can come hang out with me if they want to and I can help them with their homework or reading.

I have also looked into a few of those camps that take on sibling groups. I feel like that would be an awesome experience, not sure if I would be allowed to join them though being that I'm over 18, but it's an idea.

I also want to be there for them when they achieve things and for them to know somebody who cares is watching on and is proud of them. I recently went to see my little sister get a student of the week award and got in trouble later on for doing that. It's things like that I know they get really excited about.

I'd really like to have a few days in the school holidays where they can come over to my house. They can play with my dogs and we hang out and stuff. Maybe not all of them at once because woah.
And I could teach them different things when we hang out like maybe how to cook yummy things or hoe to skate while walking 2 dogs.

They are pretty basic not very exciting ideas but it's what I came up with for now.




Mod
Posts: 1,672
Registered: ‎23-09-2014

Re: putting my thoughts into words

Having read all of your thoughts I have to agree with @Mona-RO, you're a really good writer! Also I'm so amazed at how far you've come in your mental health journey, and I'm so inspired not just by your jouney but by the fact that you're so committed to helping your siblings along their journey as well.

 

I think all of the ideas you have about hanging out with your siblings sound great! I think it's really cool that you want them to have access to their culture as well, as someone with a non-Aus cultural background I think that connection is super important. The idea about being available for them to hang out with you could be pretty easy to implement I think! It might be easier just to start with a flexible routine they know about.

Builder
Posts: 14,121
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: putting my thoughts into words

Thanks @safari93 I see so much potential in all of them, but unfortunately I feel like oppurtunities are really limited for them, so if I could help them out somehow that would be awesome. They're great kids and I want the best for them.
I think I'm going to try and arrange some of those things I mentioned, it's a bit tricky but hopefully it works out.
Mod Squad
Posts: 547
Registered: ‎14-05-2016

Re: putting my thoughts into words

@j95 I also have Relax Melodies. Setting a sleep routine to it sounds like a great idea. When I read about how you taught yourself to swim, I was beyond impressed. Holy moly! Learning to swim as an adult is not easy and you taught yourself! That’s so so so inspiring. Did you watch online videos to help you?

 

Yes it must be tough to want to do so much with your siblings but because of the limitations, you can only do so much at a time. I think whatever it is you do with them, will mean a lot and have a very big, positive impact. All of your ideas seem awesome and I’m sure they will love it.

Builder
Posts: 14,121
Registered: ‎17-04-2014

Re: putting my thoughts into words

How good is it? @Mona-RO omg urban rain + trains in the distance = lots of sleep for me.
I watched a heap of videos, talked to different people at the pool, read a lot. I used to pretty scared of the water when I was younger, if I couldn't comfortably stand (water below my shoulders) I wouldn't go in, now I can swim in really deep water, and I can surf in water up to double my height, without any anxiety.

Thanks, it means a lot Smiley Happy
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