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Super frequent scribe
Posts: 100
Registered: ‎27-10-2015

A few steps backward

Hey people, I am not feeling great. The past 48 hours have been the worst I have experienced in a long time. I dont know why the sudden downward spiral either. I assume it is because I am unhappy with my past but, i spent the last couple months being sort of okay about it, not really bothered. Now I can't sleep and my heart feels like its not beating anymore. I feel completely unmotivated. Last week felt good, I was excited for uni etc and nothing changed. 

 

My Ex said she forgave me the other day. for everything I did. I feel like that shouldve been uplifting or whatever. It wasn't really. It wasnt bad. I just convinced myself it didnt matter to me because I couldnt do anything. I dont have anyone in my life I can talk to about this feeling. I feel painfully empty. LIke I just want to curl up and sit in the corner of my room and cry. I miss my ex and the connection we had. I have tried to fulfil my needs by myself but I am unable to love myself. Or my life like i Loved her. Im genuinely feeling like I shouldnt have a life anymore. I feel like a waste, or pointless to exist.

 

I have tried every possible thing I can think of and either met with failure or awkwardness and so much difficulty I end up worse than had I stayed in my little box. I am feeling so deranged and empty. I want to cry and I am holding back tears now. There is no one for me to share this with. I woke up crying, I want to run away, I am afraid if I dont run away I'll do something stupid to hurt myself or worse. Or even some kind of social media cry for help which will just kick up a fuss and I will get nothing our of it. I cant bear explaning all this to my mum or to people who I dont feel connected with. I want to be in love and I can't let go, or I thought I did but those are arbitrary terms which ultimately are metaphors for doing something about the negative emotions I feel. Terms like "let go" and "love yourself" are so out of the scope of explanation and advice. I dont know where else to turn... I feel like i have tried everything, except for putting my whole life and remaining past friends who are friends with my ex behind me and just forgetting that whole life. I want to wipe clean and empty my entire life of the past, and all of its reminders. I dont want to be associated with the person I was by anyone. I dont want to be in my family or whatever, or in my friend group.

Mod
Posts: 293
Registered: ‎19-09-2016

Re: A few steps backward

Hey @Stagnator,
It sounds like there is a lot going on with you at the moment. Especially when it comes to missing you ex and missing that connection you once felt. Have you ever tried talking to a psychologist or counsellor about these thoughts and feelings? I know you feel like you can't talk to family or friends, but maybe talking to someone who is qualified might help.

I just want to make sure that you are aware of the supports you have during those times you feel unsafe or need to talk to a professional. You can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or use their Crisis Support Chat line which you can find here. You can use the Headspace Online Chat which you can find here. You can also call Kids Help Line on 1800 55 1800 or use there online web chatline which you can find here.

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Community Manager
Posts: 208
Registered: ‎08-12-2016

Re: A few steps backward

Hey @Stagnator

 

It sounds like you're going through heaps at the moment. You sound like you're in a lot of pain and feeling very confused by it all.

It's really common when we feel like this, to want to reject any suggestions, especially things like talking to someone because we feel like our heads are so full that it will be impossible to explain it to someone. The crazy thing is that the best way to start to get a handle on what's going on is by starting to talk things through. Even if you start with the chat option for Kids Help Line and you can just copy and past your post here. Anything that helps you start getting it out so you can break it down into smaller parts, will give you some relief and help you sort through what you're feeling.

 

Hope that helps.

Mod
Posts: 7,560
Registered: ‎10-08-2012

Re: A few steps backward

Sounds like the conversation with your ex has brought up a lot of feelings @Stagnator Smiley Sad Heartbreak can be so tough to deal with. How're you feeling today?

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Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.
Super frequent scribe
Posts: 100
Registered: ‎27-10-2015

Re: A few steps backward

I dont know guys, I think its easy to suggest to see a psychologist, but when you've been messed around by different ones it really does leave a bad taster in your mouth and you dont want to do back. I honestly, with my experience and study into the field and mental healthcare system do not believe it is the best or even in the top ten things i could do to feel better. Seeing a psych wont really be for me until there are some definitive research breakthroughs that permeate the psychology culture thats going on. Its too messy right now. 

 

I am feeling pretty much the same as the last few days. My personal hobbies are pretty much all I have left. I dont socialise well, and its getting harder to go places to meet people as I have had so little success and spend a lot of energy getting to a place physically and mentally where I can meet people. At this point I am existing in society for my Mum and my immediate family I suppose. I am going to uni for me but only because its the thing to do when you cant really see yourself working, no matter what you try. I suppose my hobbies and learning new things are of great interest to me but Im multi faceted yknow. Deep down, I am planning to go out and survive in the bush one day. With plans to never return. i just want to save up some money, get my gun lisence but a basic kit, and some essential electronics and then just go build a home.

Mod Squad
Posts: 1,469
Registered: ‎23-09-2016

Re: A few steps backward

Hey @Stagnator within that post alone there's so many amazing goals, it can be hard to get even mildly excited about future goals when we're clouded with dark times. What I will say about Psychology is I don't agree or disagree with you overly. Just keen to illustrate many people on the forums have had issues with finding the right mental health professional. For me it took almost a year, like you I almost gave up. For me I found a slightly more alternative form of therapy, not so clinical, and it worked - have you had a google on all the different streams of therapy? For example there's intergative counselling, transpersonal counselling and spiritual counselling etc etc list goes on. Just trying to open your mind to possibilities in case you haven't been made aware yet Smiley Happy

 

Also on your last note, have you heard of Gregory Smith? I think you'd really enjoy him! [click here]

Super frequent scribe
Posts: 100
Registered: ‎27-10-2015

Re: A few steps backward

That guy's story was amazing, definitely spoke to me. Well, who knows, maybe I can go through something like that. I think it might be a great experience for self learning to even just go for a month, with some books and some goals of exploring/surviving.

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Mod
Posts: 1,251
Registered: ‎04-10-2016

Re: A few steps backward

I think it's good that you have that idea in mind @Stagnator and I agree - that Gregory Smith story was very powerful!

My freedom is an agreement with myself. It's an acceptance and love for who I am that isn't dependent on performance or the will of other people - Renee Yohe

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