14-03-2017 09:30 AM
I'm just having a really bad day today. I seem to be having a lot of these, and I don't know how to get out of the pattern.
I feel like I'm doing everything right - yesterday I was so good, I went to class and I studied for 3 hours which isn't as much as I'm supposed to but it's okay. I ate three meals and I did all the little things, brushed my teeth and drank water and put on clean clothes. I managed to do the group work in my tutorial, i even read a book on the bus. And I still felt low.
This morning I still feel super low. I had to do a quiz for one of my subjects and I only scored 20 out of 25. I know that's not really a big deal, but i feel sick to my stomach. I used to be smart. What happened to me? I have work to do but now I can't concentrate because I feel so guilty and anxious about the test.
I'm also struggling a lot with family and I can't seem to stop ruminating on the past which makes me so sad and feel so hollow inside because I feel like so many people I care about have left me eventually. I keep dreaming abut them talking to me again and then I wake up and I'm sad because I know that's never going to happen. I don't want to be alone anymore. I just want someone to stay with me and tell me it's going to be okay. Is that so much to ask?
I started new medication a few weeks ago and it really seemed to be helping for those few weeks but now idk it's not helping anymore or something. With my mood dropping again I'm beginning to think I should just give up and end this.
I see my counsellor today but I feel so horrible and I'm not sure she'll be able to help.
14-03-2017 05:44 PM
So I managed to go to my counselling appointment, Centrelink, and get my blood test done. My counsellor was helpful but it was also pretty confronting because she used the term emotional abuse to describe stuff that's happened to me and I don't know how I feel about that cause nobody's ever said that to me out loud before. I just feel really horrible and I just want to curl up and watch Doctor Who and try to make it all stop hurting for a little while but I don't feel safe enough here to do that, I just have to keep pretending to do work so nobody gets mad or worried. And I feel lazy and useless for not working enough today anyway. I hate myself and I just want to stop hurting. I don't want it to hurt anymore.
14-03-2017 06:01 PM
hi @DruidChild i know everything seems helpless right now, that you feel as if nothing is going right despite the fact that you're trying hard. i've also been in a situation where i felt like giving up because i'm tired of getting hurt by the people i care about because they left me. Right now you can try stepping back and having a breather by doing something you like to get your mind off of it because at the moment i can tell your mind isn't helping with making you feel better.
don't let others dictate how you should live your life. if you want to take it slowly then do it in your own pace because you'll get there in the end anyways. if you want to do things differently then do so because you'll still achieve all your dreams at the end. please dont ever think that you're useless or that people will get mad or worried, just think about yourself because you are perfect just the way you are despite what everyone else thinks or says
14-03-2017 06:04 PM
It's great that you went to your counselling appointment. Sometimes counsellors can see things differently to how we have seen them, and it can be confronting when these realisations are made. It's a great idea after your sessions to do some self-care, especially after ones as confronting as today's. Are you able to watch doctor who in your bedroom and close the door?
Don't feel lazy for not getting as much done as you expected you would, life can take it's turns and you honestly have gotten quite alot of things done today, so be proud. I just want to make sure you are feeling safe, and if you are not feeling safe You can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or use their Crisis Support Chat line which you can find here. You can use the Headspace Online Chat which you can find here. You can also call Kids Help Line on 1800 55 1800 or use their online chat which you can find here.
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14-03-2017 06:17 PM
14-03-2017 06:21 PM
Hey @DruidChild def let us know how you get on with your rest, try to shed that guilt - it's completely normal, I get guilty as too when I rest but sometimes the body and soul needs a wee break. Touch in with us soon if you're up for it