30-09-2016 08:14 AM
I recently graduated from college (two months ago now) and have been job searching. I was pretty confident about a particular job, had four interviews, all went well. I had also met this girl through a program this summer and got to know her an okay amount. She seemed interested in me and I was interested in her. Her friend actually brought it up around me and made it also sound like she was interested. The problem is that this girl lives very far away. But where she is from is where I was interviewing for this job, so all sounded good. For the two months ive been job searching after college, Ive been texting and snapchatting this girl a decent amount. I started painting this picture in my head of a future with her in it (kind of dumb) even though we never really talked about the dating thing, and I would be living in her home town and it would all work out.
Then, recently I did not get the job...okay, bummer, but I still had this girl that I had been talking to. So I went to this big organizational meeting with her and a few others I met at the summer program recently. It seemed to go very well in the beginning with her (date like), then it just dropped off and she didnt seem interested at all. Weird. So, being a dumby, I talk to her friend about it instead of her, and her friend tells me that she was never interested, just a friend thing.
Now Ive built this future with her and this job in my mind, and within a week, they are ripped away from me. I want to go to grad school in a year, but there is nothing in line for that right now. Im working on that, but still nothing currently. So now Im job searching again, talking to no one, and see no future with jobs or grad school lining up or a girl. And it all sounded kind of dumb, but I also havent had a girlfriend for 8 years and can never seem to catch a break with that even though Ive persued a lot of girls.
Bottom line: Im feeling like I had a future just a week ago, and all I had to do was work on the grad school thing. Now, that future I built up is gone. Im back to job searching with no prospects. I have to work on the grad school thing because nothing is going on there. And most disappointing of all to me is that I keep failing with women, and falling for them hard, then she never ends up being interested. Im tired of having a void in my life where I wish I could hold somebodies hand, protect them, laugh with them, and fight for and with them. It never seems to come. I wake up disappointed, have the feeling of a heavy head all day, dont want to go to sleep because ive had dreams with her that makes me even more disappoint when i wake up, and dont feel like eating. Im dissappointed in myself and my life. And anytime I think about doing the things I used to do, they dont sound fun, and I feel like I need to get back to applications. FML! Need advice. Need help or something.
30-09-2016 10:48 AM
Hi @future99 Sounds like you've got a lot going on right now and it's understandable you'd be feeling a bit lost with future hopes and plans not falling into place.
Firstly, I'll just point out, it sounds like you're in the US. We are an Australian site so are more familiar with Australian resources and the way things work here, so we might not be able to help you as much as someone local, but we will do our best!
It sounds like the biggest thing for you right now is the relationship with this girl falling through and feeling like they always do. I'd like to encourage you that although not all relationships work out and that can be hard, but it doesn't mean they never will. The feelings you've described sound like you're grieving a loss, which would make total sense! What do you think you could do to help you process what has happened? Anyone you could talk to? Any nice things you can do for yourself to help you feel a little better? This page about coping with a break up might have a few tips.
Also, job hunting and grad school applications can take time and effort and can be frustrating, but just keep at it and something will likely come up. Here's a page on acing your interview and if you search our site and some local ones for you, you'll likely find more info on scoring a job.
01-10-2016 05:48 PM
It sounds like you have been having a difficult time lately with job applications and relationships.
I see Randomness gave you some resources to look at. Did you get a chance to look at them? Were they helpful?
I also wanted to check in and see how you are feeling today and if there is anything we can help you with?
05-10-2016 05:46 AM
Thank you all for the replies. Yes, the materials provided were helpful.
I am still feeling somewhat down, but not as much as I was when I first posted. I think my main issues still revolve around the girl thing, as I am able to try to fix the other things by applying to numerous jobs and being very activite searching for grad schools. But every time I think of the girl thing, it just gets me down and I do not know how to fix it other than to move on. Is there something to change my mindset on this issue? I tried joining a few dating websites to see if I might meet someone there to take my mind off the current situation, but responses on those things for most guys are few and far between, and Im just not all in to it right now.
I still wake up every morning feeling dissappointed in myself, although I am able to shake it a bit. It usually comes back to me later in the day though and gets into my head. I just keep thinking back to "its already been three days" "its already been five days" "its already been a week!" since..yada yada the girl thing I mentioned. And of course I would like to talk to her (that would brighten my day one hundred fold), but I know I shouldnt. I would also hope to meet someone else to get my mind off of this, but I am not sure how. I am not around people all of the time in my current situation, so meeting people is a little more difficult. And there was a suggestion of doing things that I enjoy, but...to back track...when I was with this girl during the conference, she was always putting a lot of effort into doing work/emailing people, always was doing something benefitical for her future which I greatly admire in a person. So everytime I try to do something for my enjoyment rather than my future, I feel terrible and start thinking, what would she be doing?...would I be turning her off because I am not working?...and I go back to work. This is part of the reason I have been so productive since my last post.
I guess first off, how do I shake this feeling of dissappointment in the morning, because it is always a terrible start to the day. Its like Im dreaming about it, then wake up and its immediately on my mind or something. Secondly, how do I get my mind off this specific girl? I already know she is not interested. I dont have many friends to see here. Im just not sure. I have dealt with this before with girls, but I usually am in a better, more forward/future looking situation and there are other prospects around me I can try to talk to. Not the case where I am now.
05-10-2016 05:45 PM - edited 05-10-2016 05:49 PM
Hi @future99 Thanks for coming back to chat with us. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time dealing with the end of a relationship with this girl.
I'd like to remind you that you haven't done anything wrong here and you're doing your best in a tough situation, so remember that when you're feeling disappointed in yourself.
Also, you said you've had a go at things like online dating and looked at the people you're around but you're not all into it right now. Do you think now is the right time to be looking for a new relationship or do you think you need to give yourself time to heal first and then try again later when you're not grieving and are more yourself. It's ok to give yourself time to heal if you need it and also sometimes the right person for you just isn't around and that's ok too and waiting and not always being in a relationship is ok.
Being productive is good but we need time out and self care too, especially when we are going through something tough, so I'd encourage you to keep that up.
I'll add more stuff later when I'm home and not in a phone!
06-10-2016 08:23 PM
Its great to hear that some of the resources given to you have been helful
I am also glad that your mood has lifted somewhat from your first post. Do you know why? What things have you been doing that haved helped you during this difficult time?
It sounds like you have made a decision to move on from this relationships. With every relationship people have there can be positives and negatives. When things seem to be mainly on the negative side it can be positive to move on and surround yourself with people that will build you up and support you.
Randomness suggested taking a break and focussing on self care which I think is a great idea. What kind of activities do you enjoying doing? What do you like to do in your down time?
There is no reason you should feel disappointed in yourself. Negative thoughts in our mind are sometimes really difficult to get rid of, especially when dealing with a break up/loss. Some of the things I have tried to get rid of negative self talk are to replace them with a positive. For example "i wish things went back to when we were happy in the relationship" to "I tried my best in the relationship and it didnt work out. When I am ready I am sure I will find someone that is compatable with me". I am not sure what thoughts you are thinking but changing the frame of mind we are in can put us in a happier mood.
When you say you cant meet many people because of your situation im not sure what you mean. Could you explain that a bit more?
I think there is a balancing act between doing things that are beneficial for the future and being in the present.You should be too hard on yourself. It is good to hear that you have been proactive in that aspect and I'm sure you will see the benefits shortly.
when you said you have dealt with getting over girls before, what did you find worked well. Do you think you could use what worked in the past to try and move on from this girl.
Thank you for reaching out in such a difficult time. Here on the reachout community we support each other and want to help in anyway we can.
Also how are you feeling today?
12-10-2016 04:46 PM
However, I truly believe that when you stop worrying about if and when you will meet the right person - they will come into your life. I know that sounds almost impossible to do - but when you are making the most of being single (Eg going out, doing fun stuff for you, building your skills and knowledge, doing hobbies) you will attract people into your life! Other than working on your application for grad school what have you been up to lately? Could planning fun activities for the day make you feel a bit more positive in the mornings?
11-05-2017 08:04 PM
It seems like there's a lot going on for you right now and I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. The dating scene is pretty tricky sometimes, but I would stress that communication and talking about your feelings with someone is really great in making sure you are both on the same page. When we talk online to people it is super different to talking to them in real life, in that it's hard to tell if someone is interested in you or not. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out with that girl, but I like to think of it this way - just because one person doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, doesn't mean there aren't many others that will. I'm sorry I can't offer more advice about job searching, but try not to let a few bad experiences get you down. You sound dedicated and like you know what you're doing, so don't lose hope okay?