04-03-2017 04:54 PM - edited 04-03-2017 04:54 PM
I have this one friend in particular who says she wants to be my friend but then she will use to get someplace and then after i help her, she completely ignores me. she is loved by everyone in my friendship group and if people ask why we dont get along as easily, i explain and then they turn around and start saying that what i see isnt true. I dont know how to deal with this so i keep trying to be friends with her but because this procedure keeps happening, i feel less and less of value to my friends.
What do i do??
05-03-2017 09:45 AM
@kittykat30 thanks for writing this story, and it's definitely one the RO community can help support you with.
Am I right in hearing that your friend is in a sense using you for support, and then doesn't treat you well until she needs something from you again? If that's the case, what sort of stuff is she asking you to do for her?
I think friendships can be really challenging during school years, it's a different environment and people are easily influenced by their peers, even if their are peers in the wrong. It sounds like this person may be a little self involved, do you have any other friends you trust outside of the group? Or friends outside of school that would have a more positive impact on your life?
This article by RO has some awesome insight too [click here]!
06-03-2017 10:42 AM
@kittykat30 Obviously I don't know all the details but from what I know about your post, it sounds like your friend is using you. A friendship should consist of mutual support and effort, not just one person giving while the other is taking. It also seems like your other friends are not really giving support if they are invalidating your experiences and feelings.
This is easier said than done but if I were in this situation I would start looking elsewhere for friends. You say you don't feel valuable to your friends--have you told them about this? If you have, have they done actively done try to make you feel better and more included? If not, they do not sound like friends at all. You deserve to have friends who care about your feelings and want you to feel happy and comfortable. If you haven't spoken to them about how you feel, I would do that first and see what happens. But I would be prepared to maybe disconnect emotionally from this group and find new friends because it seems like you deserve better.
07-03-2017 09:25 AM - edited 07-03-2017 09:29 AM
hey @kittykat30 i know the tough time you're going through right now. it has happened to me and my friend many many times in the course of 2 years. i know it's hard that people don't see what you see and it gets frustrating and you feel lonely. But if it keeps happening over and over again and you feel like you're not important to them, my advice is have a chat with them, ask them all of the question you want and tell them all the things you want to say. it's better to get it off of your chest and clear up any misunderstandings between you and your friendship group. believe me it'll get easier.
i know the feeling because i felt like i've been used by my own best friend and it was hurtful to just even think about it. but i had a chat with her and she didn't know she was using me or that i felt that way. maybe your friend is like that as well. if your friendship is important to her, you guys will solve this. best of luck
07-03-2017 09:19 PM
Hey @kittykat30 and welcome to Reachout!!
That sounds really tough Have you got anyone you can talk to about this who is outside of the friendship circle and maybe a bit more neutral/objective than people in the friendship group?
08-03-2017 10:03 AM
08-03-2017 10:25 AM
Hmmm that sounds really tricky @kittykat30 You've done all the right things by trying to talk to her about it and make her aware of how it makes you feel, so if she's choosing not to change her behaviour and its continuing to have a negative impact on you, this might be someone worth distancing yourself from.. Do you think you could keep hanging out with the group but spend less one-on-one time with her? Are there other people in the group you feel close to?
I'm a bit concerned about you saying that you're "hated" by the rest of your grade, are you being bullied? x
13-03-2017 02:51 PM - edited 13-03-2017 02:56 PM
@Autumn23 I know I'm definitely not being bullied in any form. It's just that we have lots groups in our grade, and they all don't like each other a lot. They will be nice to each other to their face but as soon as they are out of earshot, the rude comments and gossiping start.
Another problem is that everyone loves this friend. Even if I do try to distance myself from her and try to be nice to the rest of the group, people will pick up pretty quickly that we aren't really talking to each other... It just get really complicated really quickly
14-03-2017 12:06 PM - edited 14-03-2017 12:16 PM
hey @kittykat30 i can definitely say that this sounds eerily similar to what i've gone through numerous times, I'm sorry to have to say this but she might not change. she could continue that over and over again and make the same excuses all the time. i've tried to talk to my friend about it but like you, she always says she'll change, that i'm too important to her or that she doesnt want to lose me, but she always do the same thing.
the best thing for you to do now is think if it's still worth it or is it better to let go of that friend. find a friend that'll always be there for you, trust me you'll find one.
i'm in a much better place now that i got rid of the negative people in my life and found a true friend. it's not gonna be easy but it'll be worth it in the end.
keep me update with whats happening and i wish you the best of luck!
14-03-2017 05:50 PM
I have been in a similar situation, it is difficult when one friend makes you feel horrid and kind of isolates you from your other friend group. I agree with @SkyIsTheLimit, it really is time to work out if she is worth having as a friend and to continue having that kind of negative influence.
Keep us update how things progress.
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