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Builder
Posts: 245
Registered: ‎10-05-2017

Having thoughts I shouldn't..

Hi RO,

 

Normally I am quite a positive person. I have been told by many people that I come across as a positive and happy person, and as I work with children, people see me as a role model and I encourage others everyday. Though, I have anxiety and everyone knows I can be a stress head. I put so much pressure on myself to do well and succeed. I think I am a perfectionist. 

 

And it really effects me..all the time! At work sometimes I stutter or I feel anxious in my chest because I may not know what to say or do when I encounter conflict or problems. I try to do the best I can but sometimes it isn't good enough. I'm also studying full time and live on my own, so things are hard and I often feel lonely. Yet, I am doing so many positive things to combat my negative feelings and thoughts. I go to sport twice a week, I see friends and I have me time where I relax, read a book, play games or watch tv/movies. I'm also seeing a counselor and receiving support on how to manage my time and work/uni stress.

 

So, why do I feel like these feelings will never go away? Why does it feel like it isn't enough? How can I be succeeding so much, yet feel so dreadful inside? How can I feel like there is no point in me living when clearly I am making a difference in my own life and to many others too? I just want it all to stop sometimes...the responsibilities and everything. I want a break. 

 

I feel like I have been tracking along this mountain for so long, and sometimes i'm travelling along nicely on a flat, other times i'm climbing obstacles, but inside I feel like I am falling. Part of me wants to jump off the mountain cliff and not have to worry about what is coming next. Part of me knows I want so much more in my life. It is just so frustrating dealing with negative thoughts and sadness and anxiety when they spring from every little thing in my life, or sometimes from nowhere in particular and for no real reason. It's understandable, but I feel like it's not fair.

 

I just need some positivity in my life. Got any advice for refocusing and seeing purpose? I'm afraid I may relapse into a state that I worked so hard to overcome. It can be so easy to fall off the edge and into that pit on the mountain. 

 

 

Mod Squad
Posts: 2,036
Registered: ‎23-09-2016

Re: Having thoughts I shouldn't..

Hey @mspaceK you are such an eloquent writer! 

I love your metaphor around the cliff.. Wonderful. Well first off, sounds like you are really proactive and I also think it is awesome you are seeing a counsellor. Also that you catch up with friends regularly and engage in sport. 

 

I am wondering if the perfectionist tendencies are what drives this feeling that you lack a positive outlook on life?

Do you think the two could be intertwined?

 

I will tag some other users as well Smiley Happy @scared01 @May_ @lokifish @DruidChild 

Builder
Posts: 245
Registered: ‎10-05-2017

Re: Having thoughts I shouldn't..

I don't know if it is the perfectionism or not. I go through periods where I feel really good and it can last for days and sometimes weeks...and then I hit this slump or I have this bad night or day, which sometimes turns into a bad week or more. 

 

It fluctuates all the time. Like right now I feel amazing. I just came home from playing sport and I played really good! My whole team gave me positive feedback, including the other team and I'm so proud of myself. I am really good at some things. Yet, I feel so bad sometimes towards things I get wrong. I am an over-achiever and my parents have always encouraged me to do my best. In the past, my father has compared me to other over-achievers at my high school. I once got 10 academic excellence/citizenship awards at an awards night and this other boy got 12, and my father asked me why I didn't get as much as him. It's not like my parents have told me "I must get good grades" but I know they have put the expectation to want to do well and to try everything, and that once you start something then you should commit to it. And it is not like I have never failed at anything, because I have and I have been able to move on. But it is really hard. I guess because lately I am making so many mistakes in my job and I've been struggling to attend all my uni classes and my sleeping pattern has been a bit wacko and my eating has been horrible, I've just felt like a failure at life. I have days where I truly feel like a moron.

 

So yes, it's probably intertwined. 

Mod
Posts: 352
Registered: ‎19-09-2016

Re: Having thoughts I shouldn't..

Hey @mspaceK,
It is great you can see their connection. How are you feeling today?

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Builder
Posts: 245
Registered: ‎10-05-2017

Re: Having thoughts I shouldn't..

Today I am really tired but I'm okay. I need to find motivation to do my assignment at some point and I have no idea what to make for dinner so I'll need to sort that out.

Mod
Posts: 1,027
Registered: ‎09-08-2012

Re: Having thoughts I shouldn't..

It sounds like you've constantly got something that you're meant to be doing @mspaceK. I'm wondering, when was the last time you had a break?
Is there any time soon you could schedule yourself a day or weekend or however long holiday?
Builder
Posts: 245
Registered: ‎10-05-2017

Re: Having thoughts I shouldn't..

I do want a break. I feel like I need a break. I only have two more weeks left of university classes and 4 weeks until all my assignments are over. 

 

But I can't take a break from work. I am employed casually and I have to work so I can afford where I am living and so I can pay off my braces. 

 

I keep giving myself breaks because I have been so tired and overwhelmed. Yet, I then also get stressed sometimes cause i feel like I should be doing something else and so sometimes I feel guilty about what I am doing. 

Star contributor
Posts: 2,741
Registered: ‎06-03-2017

Re: Having thoughts I shouldn't..

hi @mspaceK

 

i know you feel like you need a break but id suggest finishing your uni course. i felt like giving up on my course as well but i finished it the other day and now that ive done it it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. you might get that feeling too. with work as you work casual- you would still have a roster of some sort maybe after your course is finished and you have a day or 2 off you could see about going to stay into a hotel room for a night and chill and watch your favourite movies or do whatever you like to do. itll be a change of scenery and like a celebration for finishing your course as well.

 

i get the guilty feeling too maybe keep telling yourself that whatever you decide to do on a day off after your course is finished that its a reward for all your hard work and you deserve it

Builder
Posts: 245
Registered: ‎10-05-2017

Re: Having thoughts I shouldn't..

@scared01  I have felt like giving up on my course multiple times throughout the past four years I've been doing it but I have not deferred and I have stuck it out. I am going to be finished by October/November so I want to stick it out. 

 

I'll definitely celebrate when I finish. I'll be so glad. 

Star contributor
Posts: 2,741
Registered: ‎06-03-2017

Re: Having thoughts I shouldn't..

yes keep going wow its not really that far away when you think about it. so i really encourage you to keep going.

when everything seems to overwhelming try breaking it down into smaller things.

and when you get to assignments you could also set yourself a goal so for example to half the assignment then reward yourself and take a break and read a chapter of your fave book or an epidosde of your favourite tv series.

 

what course are you doing @mspaceK ?

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