15-02-2017 08:59 PM
It's the nicer way of putting how down I've been feeling. I pretty much feel like a complete failure. I try so hard, I don't give up but that's all I want to do. And I always want to quit, the feeling has been hanging over me for ages and just won't leave. I try walking our stupid puppy and all I want to do is just throw down the leash and let go. Let him pull and run away, it's what he wants, isn't it? Why not give him what he wants? Why try?
I doubt myself so much. What good am I doing anywhere? I want to start crying and random times, I get so unbelievably angry at unrealistic things, I get stupid excited at stupid things. I try being practical, thinking ahead, planning but it never works. I'm just a stupid, lazy person who can't do anything. Why do I think I can help anyone? I'm so rude to other people, I don't (this is really hard) I can't confidently say I have friends. Except for one Aussie friend and one/two Swiss friends, I'm always initiating the conversations, I'm always trying. Trying so hard to chat and be friendly for what? A few moments of nice-feelings? I want friends so badly, I want to be loved and cared about but no. My friends never talk to me unless I talk to them. My dogs would run away given the chance. I guess my parents love me, which is a good thing but if they weren't my parents, would they? Probably not.
I really try to be a good person and help people but I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just a faux, a liar, a fake. I pretend to know what I'm doing, and sometimes I can figure stuff out, but it's not like I know what to do with what I've learned. I just know it. I'm so indecisive and basically a loser I will stand there, knowing what I should do, and wait until someone tells me to do it because I can't do it myself. Because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing here, or at uni, or at work, anywhere. It doesn't matter if I try, because I still fail.
Except, now here's the real sucky part, I keep trying. And that's a good thing. It is, I know it is but I want more than anything to just give up. To stop, to quit my sucky job and hope for the best but I can't. Because I keep trying. And it's so frustrating that I keep trying because I don't want to anymore. I can try to lie in bed all morning but I don't. Maybe I roll over the first time I wake up (like around 6 or 7, I don't check the time) but the second? No. I get up. I feed the pup, take out my birds, feed the cat if she hasn't been fed. Then what? I keep trying. Maybe I'll watch some shows like this morning, maybe I'll be in a good mood until it's the middle of the day and I just, what. Nothing to do. I could write, but I suck. I could draw, but I suck.
Last night, I wrote the session plan for my ju jitsu class. I lead the class. I don't know what I'm doing!!! I'm not brave enough to write a session plan! I did it, but I was so nervous, so unsure. I'm not confident in my abilities, even though they are there.
I'm not brave enough to use them. I probably failed running the class, because I'm not good at anything. Except I still try. I try to talk and be chatty with the parents, to be nice to people, trying to be social but it fails because of me probably. I mean, the parents are nice of course, and I see them one a week and it's fine but my friends? No one wants to talk to me.
I'm going to outright say it. I feel like a failure as a mod. I don't know what I'm doing, but I still try at least. I try to organise things because that's what I like to do, I like to organise. But I feel like I'm doing a terrible job. In some ways, I feel like I'm trying too hard. I'm trying to matter. But somewhere deep down, I don't think that I matter. I'm just there and then when I'm gone it won't make any difference. I know I'm wrong, but like always with my stupid brain, it doesn't matter what I know because I still feel the stupid things anyway.
I'm a failure because my psych, the person I saw once for a thing, is probably all booked out by now and I'll never get the chance to really talk to someone about the shit I put myself through and it'll never change. I'll be stuck like a failure forever.
15-02-2017 09:39 PM
I totally relate to some of that stuff. I think about mattering a lot, and how essentially nothing matters because one day the universe will end, but if I believe that and think about it too much, it'll send me into a miserable spiral of negative thinking. I find that the best way to pull myself out of that is to think about the things that matter to me personally right now, even if in the grand scheme of things they're totally insignificant. Like I think about refugees and marriage equality and music and climate change and soccer, and then how maybe I could make a difference in those areas - travelling to different countries and making films about what it's like there to spread awareness, recording an album one day, that kind of thing.
To be honest, I'm not sure that anyone knows what they're doing. We're all just trying to stay afloat in this storm called life and I think that's okay. I also think that trying is good, even if it can get tiring or frustrating. It's good to try, because it shows that you care, and that's super cool
And I don't think you're a failure as a mod. Quite the opposite. I see all the work you do in the GR planning - it's awesome! You're super supportive (refer to saturdays for proof lol), and a valued contributer to the RO community
That got deep and mildly existential, so have a gif;
15-02-2017 09:40 PM
I can relate so much to a lot of the feelings you described. This past year I have very much felt an overwhelming sense of having absolutely no idea what I am doing/incompetence in so many aspects of my life. But from some conversations I have had with others I have realised that a lot of people feel like this or felt like this when they were younger. And that it is okay to feel like that. It sucks so much but I feel like it was comforting for me to know that others could relate to how I have been feeling.
We are really young and still have so much to learn and with that learning and experience I promise you will become more confident in the abilities that you have. I'm not sure what your experience is with your job but at some point have you ever looked back to your first shift and thought wow I have learnt a lot - I'm not perfect but I have learnt a lot since then. Are you still working at your job?
Also you RAN ju jitsu classes? That is such a big achievement I would be way too scared to do that! How many classes have you ran so far?
Have you tried calling your psych to see if they are available for an appointment soon or in the near-ish future?
16-02-2017 10:24 AM
I just want to say congratulations on being brave enough to share that with us. To me, your post is a perfect example of what life often is. Feeling like you'rer not the right person, or you don't have the skills or any other version of being less than and then doing it anyway.
I agree, you guys are young and you have heaps of time for stuff to get easier but, I'll let you in on a secret, most adults feel that way too. They just don't tell anyone.
Walk into any office and you'll see a collection of adults who all worried their collegaues are going to work out they're a big fat phony -
Which might sound terrible but it's actually great because it means that we're all on the same level. We ALL wonder if we're good enough to do the things we do or have the things we have. It just seems to be part of the human condition.
But you, even with your young age, have worked out the trick to it all. Do it anyway!
And I can't tell you how many times I walked my dog Zombie, who pulled terrribly on the lead and I would think et tu Zombie, et tu?
16-02-2017 12:43 PM
It should be helping, knowing that other people feel the same but it's not. Anything I do doesn't matter, because I have no friends to share it with. I don't have anyone I regularly talk to about things we've done. I feel like it's just me pushing the conversation on, like they don't even care.
I'm never going to change and I'm just so upset. I don't want to try anymore.
16-02-2017 03:27 PM
@N1ghtW1ng I know how you feel, especially with the friends thing. I've kind of... stopped going out. And talking to people, people in my local scene, people who I thought really cared about me. I've barely seen anyone over the break, usually only if I go out clubbing. I don't have any advice really, actually. I just became happier being by myself.
One thing that kind of comforts me sometimes is, you're right. Nothing you do really matters. For ages when I was in a really deep depression I would get caught up in existential thoughts, that nothing I do matters, I'll probably never have a lasting contribution, even if people in my time remember me soon that memory will fade, etc. It's normal! We want to live forever, in one way or another.
But then I kind of had a realisation.
Nothing I do matters.
Bad things that happen to me? Doesn't matter. My mistakes? Doesn't matter. It only matters if I give meaning to it. So I can sit around and mope about how everything is useless, or I can kick down my door and yell IF I HECK UP TODAY WHO CARES!! IF ALL I DO TODAY IS WATER MY PLANTS WHO GIVES A FRICK!! and I can do what I want.
So I started giving lots of meaning to what makes me happy. It started with buying a diary, and making a simple goal - pat one dog every day. I trained my brain to get happy when I see dogs. I got happier. I got out more. I started doing that with other things. I get so excited over the stupidest things as well, but it's not actually stupid because *I* give it meaning. It means something to me, my being happy is important. When I help others, it makes them happy, and that gives me reason to help them, it gives the interaction meaning in an otherwise meaningless word.
I don't know if I'm articulating it well. This is something I'm also weirdly passionate about. Positive nihilism!!
16-02-2017 03:29 PM
Also with the whole feeling like you're a failure all the time, like in leading a ju jitsu class but feeling like you did bad and whatnot - it sounds like Imposter syndrome and it's really common with people with anxiety
18-02-2017 01:43 AM
I think it is very admirable that you want to keep trying and that you do do so many things even though you feel a lot of doubt (e.g. your classes, being a moderator, even just getting up in the morning). It sounds like you are going through a lot of pain and you just want the pain to stop, to finally feel like you are a success, someone who is worth existing.
From an objective point of view, it definitely seems like you are not a failure, even though you feel like one. Even from reading a post where you talk about how bad you feel, I can see all the things you are doing and how hard you work. You ran a class by yourself--that takes a lot of planning and organising, and you did it successfully. You are a successful mod--all of your posts are very encouraging and kind; they aren't rude at all. To me you sound like a person who takes initiative and works hard, and a person who is very hard on themselves.
I think you seem like a lovely person, but you don't have a lot of faith in yourself and your abilities. If you want to see a psych about this, you definitely have a chance to. You can always call the psych back when you have time, or make an appointment with someone else. I saw some people from Headspace a couple week before and they were really nice and attentive.