26-02-2015 11:26 AM
So I'm a male nursing student in my 1st year of college. For the last 2 years my mood has been very low and it's gotten increasingly worse. I haven't slept well in ages and I'm constantly exhausted and I've lost my appetite. I've never been an emotional person and speaking about them makes me very uncomfortable but Im just so hopeless and empty and tired and I don't jow what to do.
I live at home with my mam and her husband. I didn't have the choice of moving out. I get on well with my man but I would hate to talk to her about how I'm feeling. since I was ten I've only cried in front of her once and even thinking about makes me feel genuinely sick because of how weak I was. I hate crying and even when I can't stop it and I cry in my room I always feel so disgusting cos it's so pathetic. I always feel guilty because there are people with actual problems who are strong enough to get on with their lives and I don't really have anything to cry over. My dad is pretty good he's a bit of a heavy drinker/drugs and he can be very insulting when he's drunk but it's not a problem anymore because I only see him like once a week. I try to visit at least once a week cos my half brother whos 2 live with him. My mans husband is ok we just don't talk that much because we're very different. He thinks I'm cold/selfish/weak (all words he's used). I've never had any friends and I never go out now that I'm college and I find it hard to make friends when my mood is so low.
Sleep has really become an issue. I was never a good sleeper but recently I've been only getting like 4/5 hours of broken sleep if I'm lucky. I stayed up all night 2 nights last week cos Im terrified that I have no personality and I couldn't stop thinking about it . I Wish I could just shut off my brain for 1 night. I Hate showing emotion because it makes me feel weak and exposed. I constantly keep my face blank and people have commented on it before (teachers and family have both said it). I used to feel like looking emotionless and not caring about anything made me strong, like if I don't show any reaction to what people say then I'm in control, but now I just feel lost and I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I feel so sad and pathetic and angry all the time. I do this this thing when I walk into a room where I scope the room and decide which would be the best place to hang myself and I'm so so sorry for even saying that because I would never do it but it's jusy a thing I do and I don't know why I can't stop. I've also never told anyone this but I'm gay and every time I see a man and feel attracted to them I feel really disappointed in myself.
I'm really really sorry for dumping all my pointless 1st world problems on here. I know I sound like a typical stupid teenager but in just so tired and worthless and angry and sad and alls I want to do is sleep cos I'm so tired.
26-02-2015 11:54 AM
Hi @Casey , firstly I gotta say you've taken a huge and important first step by coming to reachout and you should be proud of yourself for that.
Secondly it sounds like you're going through a hell of a lot at the moment, which I believe most likely comes down to an identity struggle, which we all go through at some point and can be bloody confusing and difficult. It also sounds like you would benefit greatly from talking through this with a professional, is that something you have considered?
There is nothing wrong with experiencing emotions, especially crying. There can be a lot of pressure these days to be a "man" and toughen up and not let things get to you, but I really do think that there's nothing more manly than being able to understand your own emotions and appreciate them. You are allowed to cry. Life is full of ups and downs and pain and happiness, embrace it all equally
I think a lot of this identity confusion may come down to not accepting who you are. There is nothing wrong with being gay, it's a perfectly normal, natural thing. Are you worried your family won't accept you for who you are?
Also never apologize for seeking help, you are doing the right thing here Again I would highly reccommend seeking some professional help, it sounds like you do have a lot to talk about and work through.
Stay strong and please keep us posted
26-02-2015 05:16 PM - edited 26-02-2015 05:18 PM
Hey Casey - yr problems are not pointless. In face it's awful to hear that you feel worthless and angry and sad. You've done the right thing reaching out here - it's so unfortunate that so many people feel like their issues aren't "bad enough" to get help - that's totally wrong.
Sleep issues can have a huge impact on your mental health - and conversely could be a symptom that something is going on for you... For some guys your age depression comes out as anger...
You would be surprised how many people have thoughts of suicide like you mentioned - the important part that reassures me about what you've said is that you know there is a big difference between the things you think and the things you do. Just because you think about something doesn't mean that you do it.
I really appreciate that you finally were about to say/type out loud that you are attracted to men for the first time. It's an important step you've taken - even though it's here on an anonymous forum, saying it/typing it for the first time was a good step to take and you should be proud of yourself for that.....
I noticed from your account that you are in Ireland - you've ended up on the Australian Reachout. But there is an Irish one so the links I'm going to put below are for the Irish site so will link to the stuff that you can do next....
Why am I attracted to people of the same-sex?
Telling people you are gay...
And this is a great support service if you wanted to talk to someone one-on-one, confidentially of course too
The organise ReachOut's Ask An Expert too, which you could give a go (you could even copy & paste your post from here...)
We're behind you all the way Casey. Take the next step now...
Online Community Manager
26-02-2015 08:15 PM
It can be incredibly hard to sleep while ruminating about problems in your life. Similar to you, I know I have had times when I lie in bed trying to think of solutions, projecting int othe future possible things I could do, or going back into the past thinking how I could of done something better, or why things happened the way they did.
The thing that helps the most in my experience is practising mindfulness. You mind find this link useful How to be mindful. All it really means is to be present. To experience the world through your senses, not your imagination to the future, or projections back to the past.
If you practise being present, perhaps focusing on your breathing as you take deep breaths, with practise you should find yourself sleeping more easily.
It beats, pumping, cortisal into your blood stream, from the stress of thinking over and over about problems, etc. Once your brain tells your body to release those hormones into the blood, its definately going to be harder for you to sleep.
27-02-2015 12:52 AM
Last year I was put on anti-depressants after things got bad (that was the only time I cried in front of my mam). They didn't help and after 2 months I stopped cos they actually kinda made me feel worse. I went to one therapy session but I hated it, I felt really guilty about cos it's so expensive and my mam doesn't work and I was really uncomfortable with the whole thing.
I always thought that if I pushed through and never complained and kept a straight face then eventually everything would get better. The way I deal with any problem is to just carry on and pretend nothing's wrong but it's like everything's piling up and I don't know how else to deal with it without putting myself in a position where I have to rely on someone.
Lastly i don't really see the gay thing as being a big issue and while there's definitely some people in my family who wouldn't like it but that doesn't bother me. What bothers me most about it is that other people would treat it as a big part of me when it's only a tiny part of me. It's hard to explain but it's like people think that a person being gay dictates how they walk,talk and act when it really only dictates who your attracted too.
Thanks again for replying and sorry for complaining and I'll make sure to go on the irish one of this.
27-02-2015 05:50 PM
TOTALLY get what you said about it bothering you that other people would treat it as a big part of you when it's only a tiny part of you.. in face we made this short film about that exact thing! Have a look: http://au.reachout.com/freedom
Unfortunately we can't just push through and keep a straight face for everything would get better. It's great you have reached out and I really encourage you to keep at it!
Online Community Manager
16-03-2017 05:09 PM
Hey @Kiaralove123 welcome to RO. These feelings of loneliness sound like they are pretty overwhelming right now, and we're here to listen and support you. I'm wondering whether you would feel comfortable starting a new thread to chat about it?