13-05-2017 10:33 PM
At school, I'm the class rep and I'm responsible for a lot of things, both in and out the class. Most people see me as unapproachable or just not worth approaching. With the work I keep getting, my workload is really weighing me down with the crappy environment and all. Basically, I'm actually quite a high-achieving student who isn't happy with school.
At home, I can't even relax either. I'm tired as hell when I get home, but my father keeps barking at me to do "something useful". I'm already going to the best of my ability at school, I do arts and plan to for my career, I play the guitar at home too, so I'm really confused on this. He only seems to care about his own hobbies and ambitions, but my life is pretty controlled for the rest of my youth.
Personally, all my hobbies and stuff are for relief. I'm so strung along with ideals I was forced on that I've lost track on what really makes me happy. Only when I spend time with the 1-2 friends that really matter that's when I can at least squeeze out a genuine smile, and it's only for around 20 minutes a day.
I've set moral codes for myself that I live by to make myself try to be the best person I could be. Even when everybody gives me shit, I still do my best to help them because getting back at them would mean I was just as bad as them. I appreciate deeper thoughts and people who can think more maturely. Even if I wanted to give even the slightest crap about something, they would say that I wasn't in a position to give crap about anything. I seriously want to beat the crap out of the person when they say that, even though I follow these codes I set for myself, I always have a lingering sense of sadness/anger in my mind.
When this happens, I question myself and think if this is how I should live and should I change myself? The people around me are not worth changing because they wouldn't appreciate it and it won't necessarily mean I would be happy. It's a waste of my efforts. But I still try to keep them together and stop them from falling apart.
I'm sick of this. I almost never smile now, I want something that would make me at least the slightest bit content with how I live. Stress is really getting to me. I teach myself not be selfish and demanding, but with all the effort I put in to help, don't I at least deserve some form of happiness?
14-05-2017 10:59 AM
@Crunchyness thanks for sharing your situation with us. It sounds like to me you've been trying to be there for other people for a long time. Taking care of others and trying to meet expectations can be very draining. It is not selfish to take care of yourself first before you can try and be there for other people.
It sounds like your dad isn't being very helpful here - he may not even realise the internal stress you're going through and he's instead focused on you doing everything he thinks is good for you. His actions are probably coming from a place of care but like I said, it's not coming across in a helpful way. You have your own thoughts, heart, emotions and a right to your own life. It sounds like you need to do something that's just for you and find a way to move towards a life that's really worthwhile and makes you happy.
It's good you have a couple of friends that you can genuinely smile around so you know what it's like when you're really relaxed versus when you aren't.
Have you ever talked to anyone about this before? Do you keep a journal to track your thoughts and moods?
14-05-2017 11:55 AM
I pretty much feel sheltered only in my room. A nice dark room for me to lose these thoughts by sleeping. But these problems still boil inside me no matter where I go, so I find it frustrating.
I am more than willing to help others, but it also kind of makes me feel like people are unknowingly using me as something like a scapegoat since a lot of problems are handled by me. Each problem is a piece of cake, but once they pile up it really takes its toll.
I really am looking for what makes me happy but as of now I can't really place my finger on it
14-05-2017 03:16 PM - edited 14-05-2017 03:16 PM
Hey @Crunchyness sounds like stress is really overwhelming for you at the moment Are there any techniques to help you minimise this that you might be able to squeeze into your days?
When you say you are looking for something that makes you happy do you mean something that inspires or motivates you? What kinds of things have you explored?