Reply
Builder
Posts: 2,948
Registered: ‎09-08-2012

It's only a matter of time...

I feel like a ticking time bomb! I don't quite know why though. I'm just so angry. I'm angry at myself and my poor decisions day after day, and I'm angry at the world. Why me? WHY did I have to have the two broken feet? WHY was it me who got treated so bad by the hospital? Why was it me who just stuffs everything thing up? Why do I break everything I touch? WHY can't I just be fucking normal for once!?

I keep feeling impulsive and out of my mind. I'm not myself.

I don't know if this is a reaction to recent events etc or what. I'm so lost! 

But I just don't know if I can keep this up much longer. I just want to so badly punch a punching bag and kick it. But that's not a possibility with this broken foot Smiley Sad Smiley Mad




~~ ☆ Be yourself ; Everyone else is already taken ♡ ~~
Builder
Posts: 1,861
Registered: ‎01-12-2014

Re: It's only a matter of time...

Hey @Bee,

It sucks that you're feeling so angry at the moment and aren't feeling like yourself.

Has this angry feeling been going on for awhile and is it something you've mentioned to your counsellor?

 

If you're up for it, a couple of things that have helped me when I'm angry but can't actually do anything physical are listening to music, or that muscle tensing thing where you tense and release the (non-injured) parts of your body. Another one is just scribbling all over a piece of paper until there's no blank space on it. Do you reckon any of those might help?

____________________#iftoastershadfeelings____________________
Star contributor
Posts: 755
Registered: ‎30-04-2015

Re: It's only a matter of time...

I know you've had a real rough time lately @Bee and it sucks that things seem to keep going wrong, but I know how strong you can be and I know you can get through this! To get some extra help, especially tonight when things are really upsetting you, have you thought about giving KHL, Lifeline or eheadspace a call? It might help you vent some of the frustrations you're feeling right now.

 

It sucks you can't hit a punching bag right now to let out some of your frustrations, but have you tried screaming into your pillow? I know it sounds kind of silly, but it can really help you unleash some anger. You might've seen this fact sheet on anger before, but it's got some good tips to help ease frustration that you might find helpful.

 

Things might seem really bad at them moment, but it won't be that way forever. It might not feel that way right now, but please keep fighting through and chatting to us any time you need to.

Mod
Posts: 971
Registered: ‎09-08-2012

Re: It's only a matter of time...

Hey Bee,

Wow you've been through so much lately. I'm sorry to hear that things are like this for you right now. You're so strong though, and you're going to come out of this continuing to be your strong self.

The why questions are so easy to do, but I hope you understand that it is nothing about you. There's nothing you've done to deserve the treatment or the physical injuries or anything else that you feel like you're responsible for.
You know what's quite interesting about questioning these things with the wondering of why you can't be normal? These sort of questions are so normal to be asking. It's normal that you'd be angry from everything going on.

There's nothing wrong with you as a person, Bee. You are normal.

On the punching bag, how about asking for some stress balls or something similar that you can throw around the room? Or some balloons that you can crush/pop with your hands?
Super frequent scribe
Posts: 118
Registered: ‎06-07-2014

Re: It's only a matter of time...

Hi @Bee

I hope you are feeling better. It really suck having health problems. I too suffer a lot of it. Im not sure if this is allowed by you can vent and talk to ppl like yourself over at the chronic pain subreddit.

 

Take care.

Builder
Posts: 2,948
Registered: ‎09-08-2012

Re: It's only a matter of time...

@Bay52VU I don't think I've been able to mention this to her. I just feel like I'm closing off from everything around me, and this awful emptiness just wont leave me alone. I just wonder how much longer I can actually fight this...

@moonwalk Trying to ring helplines is still a MASSIVE struggle for me. It's dialing and letting it ring, then actually staying on the line, and responding is even harder yet again. I feel like I'm back where I started.
I'm really trying, I'm just so damn stuck. Smiley Sad

@Birdeye thanks for your reply. I just don't feel very strong right now.

@standinside thanks but this isn't a chronic pain thing, at least not yet but the type of injury has the potential to turn into chronic pain later in life...

thank you to everyone who replied. the anger settled for a few days but is back again. I'm just so tired of fighting with myself to be normal. it's heart wrenching. I don't know how I ever managed to carry on for so long without ANY support! Pfff. :'(



~~ ☆ Be yourself ; Everyone else is already taken ♡ ~~
Star contributor
Posts: 835
Registered: ‎07-07-2013

Re: It's only a matter of time...

I don't know how you managed for so long without support either, @Bee, and I'm glad you don't have to do it alone anymore! We're always here, and we're so glad you keep coming back to chat even when you're feeling over it. 

 

blithe

Post Mod
Posts: 509
Registered: ‎12-10-2015

Re: It's only a matter of time...

Hey @Bee,

 

Wow having 2 broken feet?! That must absolutely suck Smiley Sad How long until they heal?

 

I'm so sorry to hear how agitating everything has been and how this has resulted in confusion, anger and feelings of hostility. I think that @moonwalk gave some really good suggestions, and a great factsheet to checkout. 

 

Do you feel comfortable building up to conversations with the people at the helplines? You could say to them at the start say that it's really hard for you and that you might hang up if it's too overwhelming? 

 

You can get through this, and we are all here to help you. When you feel like you have no body to turn to log on to RO and send us a message Smiley Happy We are here to help you through all of the rough patches. You've been fighting this for a while, I think you have enough spirit and courage inside of you to keep pushing through. Despite this, I will ask, do you feel safe at the moment?

 

Keep us posted,

 

Lahna

Builder
Posts: 2,948
Registered: ‎09-08-2012

Re: It's only a matter of time...

@blithe pretending it didn't exist was easier than actually dealing with it. Now it's just too hard to actually see anyone and work through it. I kinda feel torn about seeing someone else after my counselor left.. it feels like no one would be able to compare to anything she was or did... Part of me just wants to give up...

@Lahna Yeah well I guess I don't do things by halves, ha. The breaks have healed in the left I have a repeat xray for the right to do yet and will see. I'm out of the boot which I guess is good. But I'm still in a fair bit of pain so probably looking at a career change... :/
I've tried helplines, I continue to try but I either shut down or minimize how things are. I just feel stupid for calling them...



~~ ☆ Be yourself ; Everyone else is already taken ♡ ~~
Star contributor
Posts: 835
Registered: ‎07-07-2013

Re: It's only a matter of time...

hey @Bee,

It is hard when you need to find a new counsellor. but sounds like your old one really helped you (which is great!). Can you maybe think about the new counsellor as helping you build on the work you did with your old counsellor, rather than starting from scratch?

 

i think it's brave and admirable that you are willing to try, even when it sucks and is hard. That's so far from stupid. Have you heard that quote that says 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result'? To me that sums it up. Trying can move you towards feeling better.  Not trying = staying feeling like crap. No-one deserves that!

 

Hope your leg is feeling better!

 

blithe

Do you need support?

ReachOut NextStep is a tool that can help you find the best support for you.

Open tool in sidebar
Top High Fived Authors