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Casual scribe
Posts: 12
Registered: ‎10-10-2016

Longing for something "real"

First off, I want to point out that I'm not exactly in a state where I would normally be depressed. I'm for the most part quite popular, social, grades are above average and stuff, nothing to complain about in a direct standpoint.
But there's something that bothers me a lot, more so recently. I feel distant, even from my closest friends. Friends feel like a title you just give someone, and there's really nothing else that can really identify someone as your "friend"
As such, I feel lonely. Or rather, I'm looking for something "real". I don't need approval, I don't need pity, I don't need companionship of any sort. I just want to know. I want to understand, rest in the knowledge of what others truly feel about me.
Even if it means I will have no friends, I wouldn't mind, as long as I know the true feelings of those around me instead of the superficial emotions people show me because of my status.
Maybe it's just my selfish side speaking, maybe I just want to share these thoughts with people. These depressing, disgusting, self-indulgent thoughts. Even I feel sick to my own stomach when I think about how I want to know all this. I really should just let this desire to know their feelings go.
But it conflicts with my thoughts because I'm looking for these genuine feelings, but yet I don't want to. Now I'm at an impasse. My selfish side wants me to find these thoughts, but yet my logical side wants me to just move on. So it's hard to decide.....
But worst of all, will I ever find this "real" feeling that I desire? Or is it just an ideal that I will never reach?
Mod
Posts: 1,251
Registered: ‎04-10-2016

Re: Longing for something "real"

Hey @Crunchyness! I'm getting the sense that you want to know what people honestly feel about you? I think that's a very understandable desire. We all worry from time to time about what others think of us, and I can see how knowing once and for all would be reassuring for you.

I'm wondering if there's someone in your life you could talk to about these concerns?

My freedom is an agreement with myself. It's an acceptance and love for who I am that isn't dependent on performance or the will of other people - Renee Yohe
Casual scribe
Posts: 12
Registered: ‎10-10-2016

Re: Longing for something "real"

@letitgo Nobody in particular as of now. A person whom I would tell this to is someone I can trust fully, understand but not worry about me. Because I feel this other side of me is rotten to the core, it's not something I open up about easily.
Builder
Posts: 578
Registered: ‎07-10-2016

Re: Longing for something "real"

Hey @Crunchyness, could you perhaps speak to a school counsellor?

I think that it is normal, like @letitgo said to want to know how others view us, however, I think it can be detrimental if we obsess over this. It can effect your self-esteem, confidence and general health if we worry too much about it.

One thing to keep in mind is that as long as you are happy with what you do, i.e. you try to be kind etc. then what other people think doesn't matter.

Perhaps take some time out and don't berate yourself for wanting to know.
Mod
Posts: 826
Registered: ‎26-08-2016

Re: Longing for something "real"

Hey @Crunchyness what do you think something "real" might look like for you?
Casual scribe
Posts: 12
Registered: ‎10-10-2016

Re: Longing for something "real"

@Alison5 @May_ How others view me isn't really the problem. I don't really mind actually. It's how I want to see them. Right now I feel everyone around me is putting up a front, and I can't really see who is someone who is worth what he/she seems. I want to see through that front, and get to the real feelings beneath. Be it in the form of a friend, girlfriend or even superior, as long as there's someone who can see me for who I am, with these rotten thoughts, or maybe even help carry my burden, I feel that it is something out of my reach, never hope to achieve, something I don't deserve.
Mod Squad
Posts: 1,454
Registered: ‎23-09-2016

Re: Longing for something "real"

Hey @Crunchyness first up, you definitely deserve to be seen  how you want to be seen and supported in the way you long to be supported. You're worth these things - totally. Sorta feeling like the people around you aren't genuine? Do you feel like you kinda can't crack that surface character people are fronting? Or that you shouldn't have to try and get through that layer?

Do you need support?

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