But there's something that bothers me a lot, more so recently. I feel distant, even from my closest friends. Friends feel like a title you just give someone, and there's really nothing else that can really identify someone as your "friend"
As such, I feel lonely. Or rather, I'm looking for something "real". I don't need approval, I don't need pity, I don't need companionship of any sort. I just want to know. I want to understand, rest in the knowledge of what others truly feel about me.
Even if it means I will have no friends, I wouldn't mind, as long as I know the true feelings of those around me instead of the superficial emotions people show me because of my status.
Maybe it's just my selfish side speaking, maybe I just want to share these thoughts with people. These depressing, disgusting, self-indulgent thoughts. Even I feel sick to my own stomach when I think about how I want to know all this. I really should just let this desire to know their feelings go.
But it conflicts with my thoughts because I'm looking for these genuine feelings, but yet I don't want to. Now I'm at an impasse. My selfish side wants me to find these thoughts, but yet my logical side wants me to just move on. So it's hard to decide.....
But worst of all, will I ever find this "real" feeling that I desire? Or is it just an ideal that I will never reach?
Hey @Crunchyness! I'm getting the sense that you want to know what people honestly feel about you? I think that's a very understandable desire. We all worry from time to time about what others think of us, and I can see how knowing once and for all would be reassuring for you.
I'm wondering if there's someone in your life you could talk to about these concerns?
I think that it is normal, like @letitgo said to want to know how others view us, however, I think it can be detrimental if we obsess over this. It can effect your self-esteem, confidence and general health if we worry too much about it.
One thing to keep in mind is that as long as you are happy with what you do, i.e. you try to be kind etc. then what other people think doesn't matter.
Perhaps take some time out and don't berate yourself for wanting to know.
Hey @Crunchyness first up, you definitely deserve to be seen how you want to be seen and supported in the way you long to be supported. You're worth these things - totally. Sorta feeling like the people around you aren't genuine? Do you feel like you kinda can't crack that surface character people are fronting? Or that you shouldn't have to try and get through that layer?