Posts: 201
Registered: ‎25-08-2016

Relapsing (cw trans stuff + eating disorder)

Hello everyone I'm really sorry I haven't been on for ages, work and uni really stepped up but I'll be on holidays soon!


anyway s o I'm having trouble because i identify as nonbinary im not on the binary of male/female. but my body definitely has decided its female, its very feminine. this causes me a lot of dysphoria because I cant look androgynous, let alone even masculine on the 'boy' days. an area thats especially affected me since like 7 years ago is my boobs. hard to hide large lumps of fat on your chest u know


anyway so this has fuelled an eating disorder (thanks to everyone who said 'if you lose weight youll lose your boobs!) and recently ive had dysphoria hit me like a freight train so ive been relapsing with the restricting and the purging (i dont know if thats ok to say tell me if its not i dont want to trigger anyone) because i think if ill lose weight ill lose this feminine figure and itll be ok 


ive tried talking to psychs about this but im always afraid theyre gonna laugh at me n my gender, or not know what to do. when i did therapy for the ED it was all on societys expectations and the thin ideal which is ok i guess.... bu t didnt help so much 


i dont know i guess the point of this is does anyone have any similar experiences?? what things helped you??? i feel like this is such a vague area of sychology 


also in class yesterday we did the DASS and i scored extremely severe on depression, anxiety and stress so i guess that would contribute  (งツ)ว

Mod Squad
Posts: 455
Registered: ‎09-05-2016

Re: Relapsing (cw trans stuff + eating disorder)

Welcome back @ivory! I really hope work and uni have gone smoothly for you over the last semester Smiley Happy


It sounds like you have been working really hard to manage these aspects of your life as well as concerns with your mental health in recent times.


As someone training in psychology, I can tell you that the issues you are experiencing can feel very isolating - in that you won't easily identify other people going through similar things as they are such invisible concerns for the most part. However, psychologists will generally know of a pathway to address both issues (the gender dysphoria you experience and the disordered eating behaviours) and how they interrelate.


If you would be open to individual counselling again - it might be worthwhile to have a look at and the "Find A Psychologist" link because you can specify the issues you are seeking support for and this might help you find a psychologist with experience in 'gender identity' and also 'eating disorders.' I use '' around these terms as they are labels/terminology used in the field that will help in your search but I am in no way using them to label YOUR experience or in the capacity of diagnosis. As I'm sure you are aware, identifying as non-binary is not a disordered/problematic experience. Do you have preferences regarding the pronouns people use when referring to you? It will not usually be of concern in this space, as people will not be talking about you but rather TO you - but if you have never thought of this it might be a place to start that can help educate the people around you regarding your gender identity.


I also want you to know (if you don't already) that the DASS is a screening tool for distress symptomology as has been experienced by a person within the last 7 days. It is not a diagnostic tool and the severe rating for your scores only indicates that you have been having a pretty difficult time over the last week.


I hope other RO members might be able to offer advice from lived experience and advice on what helps for them! If you have any questions based on anything I've said above please let me know.


Gen - RO Smiley Happy

Posts: 7,851
Registered: ‎10-08-2012

Re: Relapsing (cw trans stuff + eating disorder)

Hey @ivory, just wondering how your weekend went. No need to apologise for taking a break from the forums - it's okay to go through tough times. Did you find any of @TOM-RO's insights helpful?

Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.
Posts: 201
Registered: ‎25-08-2016

Re: Relapsing (cw trans stuff + eating disorder)

@TOM-RO @lokifish i forgot to reply sorry aah . my weekend was okay i think? i cant remember much of it i think i got a lot done though


I contacted my uni's counselling place and made an appointment for thursday, my currently psychologist is only available on fridays which i havent been able to make. but headspace also called (im pretty sure they can read my mind) and referred me to a group program with the butterfly house on eating disorders, so im going in for an assessment next week. 


I'm not sure if the group thing is right for me, but ill see how i go. mainly because i feel like my issue is more with gender and my body but talking to my partner last night he told me ive always been overly concerned with fat so.... i dont know 


and as for pronouns, i dont really care so much. i prefer they but i refer to myself as pretty much everything so it can be confusing aha



Posts: 476
Registered: ‎29-08-2016

Re: Relapsing (cw trans stuff + eating disorder)

Good on you for making an appointment @ivory! :-) It sounds like there is a lot going on for you at the moment, so I think it's great you're managing to do something for self-care too!


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