14-05-2017 07:09 PM
I'm not really sure where this is going I've just had the most shocking couple of weeks and things have just gotten worse than I can ever imagine. warning way too much info shared I just need to vent!
I was already having a generally bad time with things not getting any better for quite a while and I keep being put on meds which haven't worked yet and I just am feeling like nothing is going to help.
I became really suicidal and after that crisis was averted I became extremely agitated and it felt like I was panicking for 3 days straight so someone took me to hospital and my heart was way to fast and i kept hyperventilating and getting dizzy and sick and shaking and kept sort of spacing out.
I figured they would probably give me something to calm down since I had been like that for a few days and hadn't really slept but it didn't cut it and then I ended up being admitted to hospital and i really didnt have a choice - they basically said consent or we will make you an involuntary patient so I said yes to make things easier for myself and I had to stay a few nights and it just felt so shitty even though they were all lovely.
So for the last few weeks I haven't been alone at all and have been staying with my family and I usually live on campus at uni. I had this rather horrible meeting the day I got out of hospital which basically made me feel like I was a huge burden and bother to everyone and too much to handle and such an inconvenience and this is one of the biggest things I worry about with getting help and it seriously hit a bit of a sore spot.
Tomorrow is my first night back and I'm really nervous. They said if I self harm again I have to leave. For the last 8 months or so it has been an issue everyday but I haven't the last week or at least not to the same degree but I'm so scared I'm going to slip up and it seems a bit inevitable to be honest. I'm having so many panic attacks at the moment and my OCD is so much worse and I constantly feel so so anxious and depressed and I still am feeling not quite right on the hurting myself front, the thoughts aren't going away and they are under control at the moment I just am worried that they won't be again and things will go downhill. I'm so scared about being alone again and will just do something stupid but at the same time I really want to and I really want some personal space.
On top of this I hadn't been eating before I was admitted to hospital because I was too anxious to leave my room and felt so sick and anxious always. and now I have been eating again and I'm so worried about gaining weight because I have only in the past 6 months or so started eating properly again and not exercising excessively and now I haven't been hurting myself I feel like I need to not eat again.
Before being in hospital I hadn't been to class because I kept having panic attacks everywhere and haven't the past few weeks so I am so so behind. I always want to do well and am usually the type of person who is so committed to study etc. and I'm now like a month behind or even more I don't know and I have exams coming up and every time I try and do anything I can't without panicking or getting so anxious and shaky and I can't even type or write and I just can't think straight for like 5 seconds.
My ocd feels like it is getting bad and I'm obsessing over bad things happening and it just won't stop and it is so distressing and it makes me just feel like the worst most horrible human being alive.
Plus I'm 90% sure I'm gay and just worried about that too but I'm too scared to tell anyone incase I change my mind which seems so silly like I've never had a crush on a guy so its pretty likely and I think I am attracted to girls. I just thought I would have figured this out by the time I'm 20? Ugh so complicated and I just don't know what to do and just don't know what I actually like
It's just so frustrating I feel like my brain is just sabotaging me constantly and there is so much going on and I don't even know where the begin to fix things and it is just taking so long. Sorry this is so long and inexplicit, I just really don't know how to feel or what to do and really wanted to rant to the void and see if anyone is in any of the same positions as me at the moment as I'm sure there are?
And sorry for the tmi!!!!
14-05-2017 07:36 PM
Hey @sharkfinblues and welcome to Reach Out! No need to apologise, posts can be as long as you want/need them to be. We're all about help and support and expressing what you're going through (like you've done in your post) is a great tool to help you sort things out.
It seems like there's a whole heap going on for you right now. It might be helpful to consider each issue in turn, one at a time. Do you think you could identify one that might be the most important, or that you'd primarily like to focus on?
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
14-05-2017 08:28 PM
15-05-2017 08:30 PM
Hey @sharkfinblues sounds like a super overwhelming time.. Well done on at least getting it out of your head and written down on the forums
Are you looped in with the below services? Some of these guys may be able to help you with your urge to SH when it crops up again when you get back there... They're all super qualified, let me know if you've heard of them
How are you feeling at the moment?
Suicide Callback Service [click here]
Kids Helpline [click here]
15-05-2017 09:53 PM
15-05-2017 10:20 PM
Hey @sharkfinblues thanks heaps for writing back. You're so self aware well done on at least recognising these feelings and that you feel you want to throw those items out to keep yourself safe.
I just want to link you up with the below services, they can help you strategise alternate methods for self harm, as well as help you decide when's the best time to ring the acute mental health team. These guys are open 24/7..
SCBS (1300 659 467) web chat click here
KHL (1800 55 1800) or click here
There are a few "healthy" ways to self harm, some people stretch for long periods of time, others use ice cubes etc - it's all about what works for you.. I will link you to an article on RO here as well
Hey @sharkfinblues, just wanted to check in. How have you been the last few days?
Heya everyone thanks for your replies @Bree-RO I have called them once before I just get quite worried about using them too much or something like that or in case someone else needs them more which is probably silly I just don't know?
And thanks @letitgo -- its been ok, I just don't really know I feel like I am just waiting for it to get better but don't know when it will - after the last few months I am so incredibly behind on uni and I am still not in a productive state so don't know what to do there. I just am not sure what to do and just want to feel ok but its not really happening yet?
I reckon a lot of people would be able to relate to that worry in regards to calling. The fact is that if YOU need to call, that's more than enough reason, and you have every right to call if you need to. Please know that.
It is tricky when we're waiting for stuff to get better. In regards to uni, how might you go about catching up on that a bit?