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Rookie scribe
Posts: 3
Registered: ‎11-03-2017

my story

[ Edited ]

I posted a similar story once about my childhood, but than I delate,  because I wasn't ready to share, but now I think I do

 

When I was a child, my mom suffered from depression, she cried, angry all the time. She used to cry in her toilet when she was upset, my dad forced me to go to the toilet to comfort her, it wasn't exactly a comfort though; I was just repeating the words he told me to say. I was terrified; I just want to get out of the bathroom, I afraid I would irrigate my mum, but I couldn’t. Since I was a little kid, I have been told that my mum was suffering from depression, we need to be understanding and considerate of her, and the consequence of it was my feeling is insignificant. It was not uncommon of her throwing thing around the house, breaking property within the house, and screaming and yelling at anyone at home (I stuck with her most of the time after school). There was once when I was six, maybe seven, she hurt herself, because I did not understand the maths question she was explaining. Because normally I would be silent and invisible when she was being angry and aggressive, to avoid her attention. I used to pay to God every evening (I was Christen at that time), asking for peace, I also had some kind of pattern, like ritual, if I do certain things, think certain things, there would be peace. Her condition was improved when I was about 13- 14, but as her condition had been improved, she began to develop victim mentality, and manipulative personality; she manipulated my emotion, compassion and empathy to achieve her goals, to gain power and control over me and my dad. For example, she hated my uncle and my aunt, because they had said something upset her in the past (my dad’s brother and his wife, and she forced me to hate them as well, including forcing me to say they are bad people.). She constantly threatened me with aggression, self harm and her bad experience. I always believe her behaviour was caused by her depression, but turn out her personality was the cause of her behaviour.

 

When I was 16, I confronted her when she was bad mouthing my uncle and aunt, I pointed out that what she had said have nothing to do with me, all she was trying to do was using me as a tool to against my uncle and aunt, and then she changed, even she no longer insult my uncle and aunt, but she was still being manipulative, she will attempt to turn me against my dad or anyone who upset her, because I have better psychology knowledge, courage, and counselling skills to point out her issues, and to urge her to take emotional responsibility in her life. But even we are progressing; I feel like my job will never end, I just told her that verbally bullying my dad will upset him in a few weeks ago, and I am pretty sure there will be something comes up soon. Even I had been doing that for years, not until December, 2015. I finally realised that since I was about 13, her depression was not the reason of her behaviours (can be a factor), it was about her did not learn to take responsibility of her own actions and emotions, even she has the ability to do so, because no one dare to tell a mentally ill patient to take responsibility. Even now she stills consider herself the only victim of her own depression, she never realise that she had done damage to people around her (maybe some part of her does, sometime she treat me like a baby, I think it might be some kind of compensation). What my dad did at that time was blame me for my mom’s anger. He used to wake me up in the middle of the night, told me how bad I was, how I upset my mom, and made divorce and suicide threat, such as tell me they are going to kill themselves because of me, and else. I do not have much memory of him as a child, he worked all day, but most of the memory I had for him was him being angry, violence at me and hated me, until I was 14, he began to spend more time at home and he began to acknowledge me as a human being. Being violence and aggressive doesn’t seem to be his nature, it seems more like his idea of being a father, also combine with the stress as a family provider and providing care to a mentally ill family member.

 

Since I was growing up, even though I have friends around me, but still, I feel a since of isolation from others, I have paranoia around people, I always distance myself from people who I trust. No one in my life acknowledge experience, not my best friends and neither my high school teachers. Sometimes, I feel like pain and depression are concrete feelings, happiness makes me feel a scene of illusion. Our family history is buried by my parents, they admit that my mum was experiencing depression, but she was the only victim of her own depression, and my childhood was all about happiness and nothing more.

These are the memories I can remember so far, some of the memory images come back to me when I am in extreme stress, and I feel angry, then depress and hopeless. Most of the time are just emotions; a sense of grief and depression, there wasn’t concrete memory at all.

 

I have talked to number of counsellors online, but it is too complicated to explain. I have tried to talk to a GP, but I couldn’t even start, like my ability to speak and explain had taken away from me.

Mod Squad
Posts: 2,038
Registered: ‎23-09-2016

Re: my story

Hey @lucas, thanks for sharing this story. I feel like you've shared this on the forums before so welcome back Smiley Happy Didn't recognise the username. I had to do a quick edit of that post due to community guidelines [click here] need to be mindful about methods of self harm for other members.

 

I am glad you've reached out to counsellors online, but have you considered phoning one of the helplines or better yet seeing if your GP can refer you to an ongoing counsellor/psych? I know it can be hard to open up to medical professionals, but they've got a wealth of experience in dealing with all kinds of situations maybe you could write it down before you go in?

That's a lot to go through on your own and I think having further support will help you work through these challenges. Have you any one in your life you feel you can confide in and talk this over?

 

Look forward to hearing from you!

Rookie scribe
Posts: 3
Registered: ‎11-03-2017

Re: my story

I don't wanna go to gp, n im alone
Mod
Posts: 13,213
Registered: ‎08-04-2013

Re: my story

Hi @lucas and welcome to ReachOut.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, it can be very difficult to share things about ourselves and you are showing great courage in doing so.

You mentioned that you've tried to talk to a GP, did you go in and see them or talk over the phone?
It can be hard to properly explain online to counsellors what's going on for you, so seeing a psychologist or counsellor face-to-face might be more helpful. Is that something you would like to try?
Builder
Posts: 99
Registered: ‎24-09-2016

Re: my story

Hey @lucas

Thanks for taking the time to share your story, I know how hard you said it was for you. I can relate to some of the things that happened to you, I experienced something similar. For me it felt really invalidating for someone to not accept responsibility. It really hurts me deeply and it does not help me move forward, so I try to avoid it and speak to people who will comfort me and not deny my experience. I shared my experience so that hopefully you can feel even a little less alone.

You've spoken about how difficult it is to tell your story in person. I think it has been suggested but do you think a telephone help line would be helpful? A lot are anonymous and maybe you could try it as a starting point, so that eventually you can tell your story in person. It sounds really important that you get extra support so that you can tell your story and help how you are feeling. ☺
Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either way you are right.
– Henry Ford

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