Ask A Pro Live: Healthy Relationships November 2019

[WheresMySquishy]

@inez1800RESPECT   @Hozzles   I've had a lot of difficult conversations in the car myself.

I agree that we can have healthy relationships with people who aren't friends. I'm constantly discovering which of my relationships are healthy. Sometimes, I enjoy confiding in my acquaintances and they end up turning into friends.

[Bre-RO]

@inez1800RESPECT I think what you've said is so true! Especially around feeling like you are comfortable to be yourself. Being able to express who you are and what you feel to your close loved ones is really important. And so true!! I can also vouch for that, the car is a good place to have difficult conversations - as long as the driver is safe of course  

We had a question about friendships that we wanted to get your thoughts on...

What are the signs of a toxic friendship? 

[inez1800RESPECT]

sometimes, these are the ones to test ourselves on I reckon.  if you can find a reason to be curious and interested in someone who has a different world view to you, or votes for a different side of politics, or is/isn't religious etc... those things really open up my world.  plus, it's kind of boring if everyone agrees with you and thinks the same - we'd quickly run out of new things to talk about!

[inez1800RESPECT]

great question.  and can be so hard to recognize when a friendship is toxic/ damaging.  often it takes a while to recognize.  if you find yourself feeling as though you put way too much energy into it, or you're making all the effort - that's a sign of a power imbalance (unless there's something else going on at that time, like your friend is struggling with depression or anxiety for eg). if your friend puts you down, disagrees with everything you say, teases you about your interests and tastes - that's not ok. 

there can be other things that are harder to pinpoint too - like putting you down or making fun of your other friends - to try and separate you from them.  all these things are a form of emotional abuse.  people might experience them in friendships, relationships, in families. 

[WheresMySquishy]

@inez1800RESPECT   I think that's so true. I've realised that some of my friends weren't there for me when I was putting all the work into maintaining the friendship and doing everything for them.

[Bre-RO]

Good point @inez1800RESPECT It can be hard at first to stop the warning signs that someone is overstepping the boundary from challenging you to putting you down. 

We had another member of the community ask a question that builds on that. 

What should I do if my partner isn't respecting my boundaries?

[inez1800RESPECT]

thanks for sharing that @WheresMySquishy , and i'm sorry to hear that.  it's true that our friendships change and end as we grow and do different things.  i'm an adult now and I think how different my interests were 10 years ago and what I thought about and talked about with my friends then - so different to how I hang out with my friends now (younger me would probably eye roll at how boring my conversations seem now!)

[Hozzles]

@inez1800RESPECT it definitely can take a lot to recognise sometimes. I've found in a lot of cases a toxic friendship is one we may highly value, which is why we may look past the mistreatment, etc. I also agree with the power imbalances -- I can also see it from the reverse side, when the other person always wants their own way and makes you feel small.

[Bre-RO]

@WheresMySquishy Sorry to hear you've had that experience I think most of us do at some point and it can be hard to let go of those people but I try to remember that you never know when you're going to make a new great friend  

[inez1800RESPECT]

firstly, I want to say - go you for knowing your boundaries!  I still struggle with mine sometimes!  but in all seriousness, if your partner is not respecting your boundaries, and you've tried talking to them, then for me it's really about what needs to change here?  I don't want to change my boundaries because they are about my values and how I feel about myself.  Sometimes i'll try to have the conversation a different way because sometimes a partner might not get how serious you are.  ie.  I recently started a friendship with a male (i'm female-identifying) who quickly started sexting.  I told him to stop and he said it was just something he does with mates.  I told him again, that while we might be mates, that's not something I do and it makes me feel uncomfortable.  he still didn't get it, so I met up with him and had the convo in person and he finally got it.  but this isn't always how it goes.  I was prepared to end the friendship if he didn't acknowledge my boundaries.  sometimes when we're in a relationship where our boundaries are being pushed, your partner can also try and say you need to "relax" or just calm down - like you're being uptight about your boundaries.  you're not!  it's always good to have a friend to talk to to - to remind you of your values and to give you an outside perspective.