Forgiveness
We’ve all had the experience of feeling hurt by another person such as being betrayed by someone we consider a friend. While feelings of anger, frustration and hate are natural responses to being hurt, holding on to these feelings may do more harm than good. In fact, research has linked chronic anger to worsened mental and physical health. On the other hand, forgiveness has been linked to improved mental health, emotional health and physical health.
So what is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is when someone voluntarily sets aside feelings of resentment towards someone who has mistreated them in some way. By doing this, the forgiver allows themselves to let go of deep negative emotions and make space for empathy towards the person who has hurt them.
In saying this, there are also many things that forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not:
- Just accepting what has happened - While acceptance can be helpful where you feel that things are out of your control, forgiveness requires more than acceptance.
- Saying that what has happened is not serious - Forgiveness does not mean trivialising what has happened.
- Forgetting, condoning and/or excusing what happened.
- Exposing yourself to mistreatment or danger again.
- Reconciliation - Reconciliation is the extra step taken to rebuild a relationship after forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not always a straight path and anyone can find themselves jumping back and forth between the following steps. It’s absolutely okay to give yourself some time to reflect on your feelings. If you’re finding it too distressing to remember what has happened, here are some support services that offer direct one-on-one support.
So what are the steps to forgiving someone?
- Remember - Visualise what has happened as objectively as you can.
- Acknowledge and reflect non-judgmentally - Reflect on how you reacted, what feelings came about and how you felt afterwards. Allow these feelings to wash over you.
- Empathise with the other person - Try to see the event from the other person’s point of view. Recognizing that no one is perfect can help to foster understanding. NOTE: This is not to trivialise what has happened and the hurt that was caused.
- Decide to forgive - Commit to your decision to forgive by expressing it to the person who hurt you. Sometimes this may not be possible if it isn’t safe to contact the other person. Another option could be to write it down in a journal or a letter or talk to someone you trust about it.
- Hold on to the forgiveness - Let go of the negative feelings towards the person you’re forgiving and hold empathy for them. This can take some time and it’s natural to cycle back to the previous steps. Be patient with yourself.
You can also check out our article on how to forgive someone for more tips!
Remember, forgiveness is not minimising what has happened, it is about allowing yourself to willingly let go of the negative emotions that come from being hurt by someone.
Comments
Thank you for writing this lovely post! It's a great reminder of how we can let go of our resentment without needing to compromise any boundaries.
Hey @Marimo-RO Thanks for the reminder. We constantly need to do this inner work for our mental health as well. I feel free when I forgive someone, not because they deserved it but, for my own peace
So true @Infinity - it's taken me a while to accept that forgiveness has the biggest effect on ourselves! It is like a burden that has been lifted and just a bunch of built up negative emotion that is gone. And as you said, with that we have peace!
I absolutely love this post!! Forgiveness is something that I have been struggling with for a little while as I have someone in my life who has hurt me deeply. Lately I have had the feeling that I should work through the issue and begin the forgiveness process. Maybe learning from this post is a good start!
What an amazing post!! These are such good points to remember and hold onto when in a sticky situation. I've definitely had moments where I've tried to diminish or excuse what has happened and it's only made it harder to deal with in the future. Taking into account what has happened, remembering what happened as objectively as possible and empathising with the other person has been massively helpful for me when I've had a tough situation. Having forgiveness has helped me to move forward with my relationships and be more positive with my relationships 💕
Very inspiring words! Forgiveness is so important for progressing into a more positive and open state of mind, despite its challenges when feeling really hurt.
Thanks a lot @Marimo-RO, this is so helpful and so essential for wellbeing and self-care in an overall heightened understanding of improving mental health.
In talking about forgiveness, it can be easy to forget that forgiveness also applies to ourselves. We’ve all been there, whether it was because we accidentally dropped mum’s favourite vase or because we didn’t get the mark we wanted, many of us have beat ourselves up over a mistake.
So what is self-forgiveness?
Self-forgiveness involves letting go of the negative emotions that come about after a mistake. However, you are still taking responsibility for your actions.
Self-forgiveness vs self-compassion
Compared to self-forgiveness, self-compassion is more focused on treating yourself in an open and non-judgemental way with kindness and allowing the space to acknowledge that no one is perfect. Put as simply as possible, you’re being a friend to yourself.
Self-compassion can also be applied any time you’re struggling or in distress, not just after you make a mistake.
Both self-forgiveness and self-compassion go hand-in-hand to allow us to move forward and improve as human beings. In fact, research has found that self-compassion can boost the positive impact self-forgiveness has on well-being.
So what are the steps to self-forgivenss?
The steps towards self-forgiveness are similar to forgiving others with the added step of taking responsibility for your actions and reflecting on them.
- Recall what has happened as objectively as you can - Acknowledge the mistake you made.
- Acknowledge and reflect on your emotions non-judgmentally - Allow yourself to feel that discomfort. Saying “I feel guilty” as opposed to “I am guilty” can help you acknowledge this feeling without making it a permanent part of you.
- Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and forgive yourself - Remember it’s okay to not always get things right. It is part of being human and you’re NOT a failure for making mistakes. Be kind to yourself. You’re doing your best.
- Accept responsibility for your actions - This could look like thinking about how to apologise to the person you hurt or on how to correct the mistake. You may or may not choose to go forward with the plan.
- Reflect on your actions - Think about what you’ve learnt from this experience, it could be that you’ve learnt a skill that will allow you to prevent making further mistakes.
- Give yourself time - It’s natural to ruminate over mistakes and sometimes they might even pop into your head randomly. Self-forgiveness takes time and you may find yourself jumping back and forth between stages. Take a deep breath and repeat the steps above. Give yourself some time, go for a walk, play some video games, watch a movie.
What are some things that help you to forgive yourself and/ or others?
Extra resources:
I really love this post! While self-forgiveness can be so confusing and difficult, I think it's super important for our mental well-being ❤️ I agree that it's easy for us to forget to do this when we make mistakes, but this post is a gentle reminder that we do deserve forgiveness, especially from ourselves 🥺
I wish I'd known about the importance of self-forgiveness in the past, but having had a few experiences of making mistakes, I know now that self-forgiveness really does take time.
Thank you for bringing light onto this and sharing some gentle ways we can start to forgive ourselves 💓 I feel comforted knowing that, other than time, we can intentionally take these steps to forgive ourselves 🌷
