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Heartbreak
This chat is brought to you by one of our favourite psychologists, Rashida! You might have seen her when she joined us to chat about change + boundaries or when she sat down to answer questions for our "ask a therapist" video on loneliness.
This months “Let’s Chat” is about something we’ve noticed has come up in recent times. This is a safe, open space to chat about relationships and heartbreak. Most of us go through rough patches in our relationships at some stage, and lots of couples need support during times of stress such as lockdowns.
We are relational beings – A lot of understanding about ourselves comes through the relationships we have with others.
Therefore, the changing or ending of any relationship is going to elicit some strong emotions.
Heartbreak is painful. It can not only feel like our thoughts become filled with pain, we can feel physical pain too. It is common and normal to have physiological responses to heartbreak including feelings of heaviness, muscle aches, a racing heart, gut issues – nausea and weight disturbances, crying and fatigue + many more.
This is part of the human experience and the fact that we are social, relational beings. We thrive off of being in relationships with others.The length of the relationship and even the type of relationship is not that important. Just the fact you were in a relationship and that relationships are a vulnerable experience is enough for the ending of one to feel really distressing.
When you are in a relationship you are letting people into your world and opening up. This means that if that relationship ends, there will be emotions that crawl into that opened up space.
This is common and normal and can feel difficult.
We are not often accustomed to sitting with certain emotions such as sadness, anger, or anxiety and there’s a chance that if you have experienced them before, maybe you were using the person(s) that you were in the relationship with to help support you through them. So now without that person(s) there - it can feel lonely and isolating.
Relationship endings and heartbreak will still feel difficult if you were the one who ended the relationship or if it felt like the right step to take. Remember it is a time of immense change, loss and grief.
If you are going through relationship difficulties and attempting to work towards a healthy relationship, the focus should be on ensuring there is continued communication. Setting aside scheduled time to do check ins about the relationship, creating a safe space to share your thoughts, concerns and even appreciations for what’s happening in the relationship. An effort to understand each person’s communication style – know this may differ and will have to be taken into account to have a healthy relationship.
Break up action plan:
- Identify other people in your network to lean on - this is a time to use supports and ask for help if you need it
- Allow yourself to grieve and mourn the loss and changes associated with the relationship and its ending.
- Seek professional support if you feel the emotions elicited become overwhelming
- Reach out to others who have experienced a similar experience – use online forums and groups if you don’t have people around you who can relate
- Remember it is normal to feel a range of different emotions when experiencing heartbreak
- Know that the intensity of the emotion may change over time
- Spend some time reflecting on the reasons why the relationship ended
A big part of managing inevitable changes we go through in life is finding ways to accept them and adapt to them. It’s easier said than done but it isn’t impossible and we would like for this thread to be a space we can talk about how to do that.
Comments
My relationship with my bf was for like 2 years, even in that time we had fallouts and got back together many times because of other factors affecting our relationship. He had a girl best friend and they were very close, some times I felt like the third wheel, but he assumed they weren't interested in that way and they weren't. When she had a bf he didn't like how close she and my bf were so he made her choice after a while, she chose her bf and completely stopped communications with my bf, during this time we were not together. With my bf and his best friend had some conflict, he was very upset because she didn't even tell him what was going on and he has attachment issues. Then he was interested in me again but most of the time I felt like he was replacing his best friend because me and her also had a lot of things in common and he was very sexual at the time, I didn't mind this and he was also seeing other girls, but I didn't find that out from him. I didn't mind it because I wasn't looking for something serious all this happened in the first year and in the second year after the Chrismouse holidays things were a little bit more serious and we started dating but I even at the beginning of the relationship he has been seeing the other girl that he has been seeing before and one of his other friends told him to confess after we have been dating for 8 months because it is not fair for me. SO he did, right before HSC exams, saying that he was overwhelmed with losing his best friend as his friend and because he is not a relationship person. He has been struggling with some mental health issues so I understood. I was heartbroken and depressed and wasn't doing so well because I missed him. Two days after the breakup I get a text from him saying that he needs someone to f*****, I said yes because I was desperate and missed him. We were hanging out together for more than the times in a week than when we were together. After three weeks of this, I find out that, he has also been together with the person that asked him to break up with me who was a girl too. He also confesses that he loves me and wasn't able to stop thinking about me and the only reason that he broke up with me was that he was pressured by her and because I didn't show him that I cared enough, and only showed it after we broke up. At this point, I wasn't aware of the cheating and when he asked me to get back with him I did because I thought it was my fault for not showing my true feeling because most of the time I was just helping him through his problems listening to him and caring for him and he was missing that. When we got back together he was so affectionate and we communicated better and so forth. But he move 2 hours away from me he lost touch with most of his friends and losing his best friend still affected him. He still came to visit me once a week, in the mouth of HSC and I was really busy studying but still made time for him. One week he wanted to come and see me, and we were going to after one of my exams he came the day before to my city and he didn't answer any of my texts I couldn't next him much anyway because I had an exam the next day. I find out a month after that he cheated on me again. Even after all this I still supported him through some of the problems he had and even forgave him. But not that is haunting me in my dreams, and I told him that I'm taking a step back, now he is guilting me like I'm a bad person and it was only a one-time mistake. Then he calm down a bit and said that he will respect that and give me time to decide if I want to walk away or stay. I don't think he is a back person he is just the way he is because of the things that have happened to him. But I also get hurt somehow through all this so I want to walk away but I can't. stuck on what I should do, if there is any advice for me, please give it to me because this is affecting everything in my life.
Hey @nethmik and welcome to the online community!
Thank you for sharing so much with us today. I am sorry to hear that you have been going through so much with your boyfriend lately. It sounds like such a stressful and overwhelming situation to be in right now. I can certainly understand you feeling so stuck and hurt, especially after hearing that he had cheated on you. That sounds incredibly hurtful. Do you mind me asking if anyone else aware of what has been going on? What kind of supports do you have around you right now, while all of this is going on?
I was wondering if you might feel comfortable creating a new thread and sharing with us there? That way we will have a safe space just for you, where our community members can drop by and offer their support. Is that something you might feel interested in doing?
We're all here for you 💜
Thank you, I most certainly would love to do that, and as for support around me, there is not much for me, that's probably why I used the platform as a way of venting and also to evaluate where I'm at by putting everything down.
Hi @nethmik. If you feel like it would help to talk to someone, Kids Helpline are a very good resource, and they have a webchat option as well if you would prefer. If you've not contacted a helpline before, this link is really useful to give you a better understanding of what to expect 🙂 You're still welcome to create your own thread so that the Community can jump in with support 💖
I am sorry to hear about some of your painful experiences with friendships collapsing@lemurien . It sounds like you have a really positive perspective about the end of these friendships and that this might have helped you manage these feelings so far.
1 year ago, My girlfriend of 3 years left me out of know where over FaceTime, with no chance to discuss or work on our relationship. I thought what we had was a healthy and happy relationship(I was at her family Home two days before and we had an awesome day). She was my best friend. The pain is still very real , I'm seeking professional help now which took me a while to decide on. It still feels like I need closure somehow but I don't know what that looks like and I worry if I try talk to her she will just give the same reasons she gave during the break up, I just feel stuck in a hole.
Hey @MB2007
Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about your breakup, especially the way that it was done. I imagine that left you with a lot of unresolved thoughts and feelings that you wish you could talk over with them. It sounds like they were really special to you and that this has caused immense pain for you. Breakups are really tough, especially in long term relationships. It is great that you have been talking to a professional about this which is not always an easy step to take. Have you found their support helpful? In regards to closure, a difficult lesson I have had to learn is that we can't always get closure. Sometimes their response doesn't give us the type of closure we are searching for or sometimes there is no response at all. We could forever feel unsatisfied and be left waiting for a particular response. Here are some quotes that I really resonate with that come from one of my favourite therapists online:
'Closure is letting go. Sometimes, we have to create closure independent of other people. In many situations, people do not get closure from other people. Closure is an internal process. You have the power to free yourself from your experiences' - Nedra Tawwab.
Totally okay if these don't resonate with you - feel free to discuss what you think here or just apply what feels right for you. We are here to listen
A timely matter for myself. My girlfriend of nearly two years broke up with me a few days ago, after a number of months of long distance. It is an understandable, but bitter time, as I had sacrificed my career earlier this year in an effort to be with her. I'm certainly not angry or anything, but time is a double edged sword.
I’m sorry to hear about the breakup. No matter the circumstances, it’s completely normal to grieve the loss, even if a part of you understood why. It sounds like you made some big changes in your life to accommodate the relationship, it’s unfortunate that things didn’t line up. The grieving process can also feel like a rollercoaster where you feel good one day, then not so good another. Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you’re feeling? Sometimes time alone is good to help us process, but you know what they say, everything in moderation. Be patient with the process. It takes time (again) for your body to adapt to these changes.
Sending you all the care and support that I possibly can. 🤗
Hmm, this is quite timely for me, I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. I like how this post is so inclusive and encompasses many types of relationships and situations. I have had two experiences where I had a really intense and intimate friendship with someone that collapsed in spectacular fashion. Those experiences caused me a lot of pain and I still really miss those people and feel sad when I remember happy moments we had. One of them really treated me badly and I have cut her out of my life. But with the other person, I wish there was a way to resolve things and bring her back, but when the other person isn't willing, it's simply not possible, and that's something we have to accept sometimes.
Another experience I have is that at the moment, I know the partner relationship I am in is not working for me. But I cannot bring myself to break up with my partner and cause heartbreak for him because I care about him so much. And, I am too afraid to face my own grieving process and the big change of not having him in my life in the same way.
I am sorry to hear about some of your painful experiences with friendships collapsing@lemurien . It sounds like you have a really positive perspective about the end of these friendships and that this might have helped you manage these feelings so far.
I am also sorry to hear that you are feeling afraid and uncertain about your current relationship. Change is a hard aspect to consider when ending a relationship, especially when they have been part of your life for some time. Is there anyone that you feel comfortable talking to about your current relationship and your feelings about ending it? 💙
hi @Sophia-RO yep, sometimes I can even feel thankful for the lessons those people brought to me and for the bittersweet memories I have of them 🙂 But it definitely still hurts, that seems to be a part of life.
Yeah I have mentioned my relationship dilemma to a couple loved ones but it can be hard because I feel they are biased because they care about me. They don't really support the relationship at all which hurts my feelings a bit because even though I do think it should end, I love my partner a lot in my own way.
Hey @lemurien
That's a really cool attitude that you have. All types of experiences, even the sad ones, are still experiences that help guide and shape our future. Loved ones do usually have your best interest at heart, so it does make sense that they can biased. I think it's good that you are allowing yourself to validate how you feel. We get all sorts of information from others, but at the end of the day, we are the ones who are responsible with steering that ship. I guess that's also a part of life.
Hope you're looking after yourself tonight!
Heartbreak is definitely something we need to talk about more! In the early stages of my relationship with my current girlfriend, we broke up for around 6 months, and it was one of the toughest things I dealt with that year. She was my first love, and my first romantic heartbreak as well. I was surprised that the pain of losing someone I'd know for such a short time sent shockwaves through my life, and I definitely beat myself up for feeling so hurt and depressed over a 'teenage romance'. Years later, I can now see that I was stigmatising myself, because I'd learned that young people's relationships aren't normally taken seriously, even though they play such an important role in helping us learn how to navigate the world of friendships and dating.
No matter how long you've known someone, whether you dated or were just friends, your heartache is valid. No one gets to tell you when it's time to move on, because you are the expert in your own mind and heart. It's okay to grieve the loss of a girlfriend or boyfriend, or the rejection of someone who didn't like you back. It all hurts just the same 💙