Let's Chat: Reframing Failure
"I'm such a failure. I can't believe I thought I could even do this in the first place."
Sound familiar? I know I've had those thoughts, and that's just the PG version. We all go through times where we feel like we've completely face-planted on the floor of life, hit rock bottom and can't see a way out.
It sounds cliche (usually because they are true), but when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up! I got another cliche for you - with every crisis comes opportunity.
This all sounds lovely, but when you are in the depths of despair, it can feel like you are literally the only exception to the rule and none of these truths applies to you. But I'm here to tell you that they absolutely do.
Everyone falls on their face at least once (I know I've got a good track record going :p) So when you feel like you have failed. What can you do to reframe it and keep moving forward?
Here's a couple of things that get me through, and feel free to add your tips as well 🙂
- Failing doesn't mean you are a failure. When a baby learns to walk, they don't fail because they fall over every time they try for a while. They hold onto furniture and the hands of their loved ones. They keep getting up and trying no matter how hard it seems, and one day, they never look back. It's the same in life - there are days where it feels like you aren't making progress, but I promise you are.
- We can learn a lot from not getting things "right' the first time, and as you go through life, you'll find others are going through the same or similar trials as you. I know I wouldn't be where I am right now if it weren't for me stumbling at certain stages. Can you think of a time you learnt from a mistake?
- Failure is necessary. Without it, we can't hone in on our talents, refine our skills, and gain clarity on our direction. For example, I failed the shit out of my first attempt at studying (which was remedial massage). It forced me to re-evaluate what I was good at (I learnt that I don't particularly enjoy touching people's feet, lol). Eventually, I found my way to community services, so I am grateful for that.
So, what do you all think of failing? How does it make you feel? Can you think of some big life lessons you've had because of "failing"?
Comments
For me, failing is neccessary for growth. I have failed many times in my life and at crucial times as well (childhood, adolescence and young adulthood). How I feel about failure has indeed change over time. I used to think that failing something meant that "I suck" or "I'm a failure". But now, when I do "fail" at something, I feel motivated and use this as an opportunity to learn more about what went wrong and how I can use my strengths to work around this rather than dwell on my negative thoughts. A big life lesson I learned after my failures was resilence - to not give up and push
Failures can be turned into strengths when you overcome them and learn from them.
I'm a recovering perfectionist so failure is relatively new for me (seriously, I used to avoid doing new things so much just so I wouldn't fail. I'm glad I'm not there anymore).
I think failing is part of the process, and it's a great opportunity to reflect on what went right and what I could have done differently. I feel it's important to realise sometimes we can fail because of objective reasons as well, not just because it has anything to do with our ability. And sometimes we may perceive success or average outcomes as failure if we're really hard on ourselves. Talk about perfectionism!
I still feel let down and disappointed when I fail, and sometimes angry if I feel the result was unfair. But it helps when I let myself feel all the feelings, reflect and learn from it, and remind myself that no one does everything right all the time. At least I did what I had to do, and that is success in itself.
A lot of good things have happened after I learned to let go of my fear and allow myself to fall flat on my face. I've got great opportunities, I procrastinate way less now, and I'm excited to try new things and discover new parts of myself. The biggest lesson I've learned is that everyone fails, and failing once or twice or a million times doesn't mean I'm not good enough, it just means I stepped out of my comfort zone, and I'm proud of that!
Love this post 
I have been having some negative thoughts lately about where I am in my life compared to those around me, and it is easy to feel like I am falling behind or failing. But I am trying to remind myself that just because things haven't fallen perfectly into place yet, doesn't mean they never will be. Even though it is cliche I am sticking to the thought that 'everything that it is meant for you, will find you', and that 'everything happens for a reason' even if it is just to learn from my mistakes and find motivation for what I do want to achieve!
A similar quote I have been loving recently is 'everything happens for me, not to me'.Great to hear about your story and progress @November13. It sounds like you have found a lot of benefits to reframing failure. Personally, I think it is normal to feel upset and disappointed when you fail.. but it is about how you move on from that and what you do next that counts. Was there anything that helped you to get where you are today? It sounds like you have come a long way!
Thanks @Taylor-RO! Yes, I totally agree that it's healthy to let yourself feel upset or disappointed, as long as we remember to pick up the pieces and move on afterwards!
I started with teeny tiny things like drawing alone in my bedroom, then in a corner at the library. Then I moved on to bigger things like enrolling myself in other activities that I enjoyed but wasn't good at, applying for jobs I wasn't 100% qualified for etc. After the millionth time I got rejected or made bad mistakes (which included singing off key in front of an audience lol), failing didn't feel as scary anymore. Even the smartest most talented people I know stuff up sometimes. But sometimes I would succeed and it would lead to even better things that I otherwise would have never dreamed of.
There's a quote that really helped me, which goes "Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come out of it". Even now, every time I do something I'm afraid to do, I'll tell myself "you only need 20 seconds, go". And I'll still be afraid that I may fail, but I'll do it anyway 
This is an awesome post @Bre-RO! @November13 I absolutely love your story about building up towards failure. It's so important to put yourself out there and become comfortable with the idea that not everything will go your way, you might embarrass yourself or feel like you're not good enough. But the fear of failure I find is often worse than the failure itself!
I also love that quote @Taylor-RO, it's so important to distance yourself and stop thinking that your achievements are who you are. I also use the 'everything happens for a reason' reasoning @marlee and I've found a lot of lost opportunities have become blessings for new reasons, and I haven't missed them at all! And failure definitely can be an opportunity to break the mold and start again.
I want to talk about my two top tips for failing. The first one is that you need to find situations where you are comfortable to fail and are safe to fail in. Whether that be a sport, a hobby or a craft, it trains you to be able to laugh at yourself and enjoy the process more. As I was once told 'nobody likes someone who is always perfect'. I also remember reading about an experiment where someone would pretend to fall down the stairs and drop all of their books. The people who saw it happen all rated the person who acted embarrassed better than the person who pretended like they didn't do anything wrong! So embrace your failures because they make you human!
Another thing that has helped me has been learning how to handle when failure seriously means a missed opportunity or some actual consequence that will impact your life. My first thing has been learning to understand that the consequences aren't always your fault and that it's common for people to make similar mistakes, and sometimes the amount of time you spend criticising yourself for it really isn't normal and you need to give yourself a break. For me I crashed my car when I really shouldn't have been driving, which made me fail an assignment because of the shock I was in, and I've beaten myself up about it ever since. But crashing is a totally normal thing that everyone does, as is failing assignments! I'm still working on not blaming myself so it's a long journey
The other thing that I've been doing is making contingency planning, making plans B and C etc. When I do this, I choose an alternative which will be fun, rewarding and or at the very least still productive or possible. For example, I want to get into psych honours, but I have made a contingency plan that if I don't I will do a graduate diploma or even take some time to do a diploma of counselling, and do a heap of volunteering to improve my record. If psychology doesn't work out for me, I have working in refugee or Indigenous law as a backup, or being a counsellor or social worker, which are all pleasing alternatives to me which align with my values, particularly if I move away and have to choose a new job. It works with little things too! Like if I can't go on a holiday, which is very relatable right now, I will buy myself a fun activity to do and will allow myself to spend some money as a contingency for the disappointment I faced in not being able to go. As my psych says 'everything works out in the end' and these are just the ways I try and make that true 
Reading through all of your responses just blows me away - the insight and perspective you all have is something really special. It's that ability to see things from different angles that helps us push through those tough times. This is something I personally struggle with but I'm noticing the more I go easy on myself, the easier it is to feel successful.
Keep on fighting the good fight!!
This is SUCH an important topic, and very close to home for me. Don't really have the energy to reply more substantially than that for now, so this is a reminder to myself to post later.
