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A confusing breakup

Hi, I'm new on here and don't really know what to expect. This was my first relationship that just ended and I don't really know how to cope, I'm very confused about my feelings. He's a good guy and we're trying to be friends, but he's also made it clear that he thinks we're gonna end up back together. I don't know how to be friends with him without giving him false hope that we'll be together again one day, and the situation has been giving me a lot of anxiety. 

 

We're also both very depressed and we still seem to fight over things that went wrong in the relationship, so talking seems to do more harm than good at the moment, but we both still care about and love each other. I really don't know what to do.

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Re: A confusing breakup

Hey! @Rosie97 welcome to reach out! Some people on here will give some helpful hints / tips to help you cope with what's happening. All you have to do is read them try and see if they work for you and if not comment on here saying it didn't work we will keep try to make thing better. We are all here to help you.

 

As for the situation on hand from what I can see it seems that maybe you should spend some time apart I know that you might want to get back together but staying together right now when your constantly fighting isn't safe for either of you. Spend some time alone without your partner might make things clearer for the both of you. Then after some time apart remember to sit and talk things out (don't yell as it makes the situation worse). Always be open with how you feel and don't put pressure on yourself to make things work. Take things slow and steady. 

Hopefully this helps let me know !

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Re: A confusing breakup

Welcome @Rosie97! I think @Bella2's pretty on the mark that it's probably a good idea to spend some time apart. It's actually really common for people who've just broken up to have fights like you're having and resolve that by putting some distance between each other. Eventually if you still feel positively towards each other you'll cross paths again, and you can start a new, better bond because by that time most of the things you've been fighting about just won't be relevant anymore.

I think it's also a good idea if he's under the impression that you'll get back together and you don't feel the same, to be clear with him about that. If he's receptive to that then he'll stop pushing that idea, which I imagine will make you feel more comfortable. If he's not then at least you tried, and if you have to give him to cold shoulder for him to get the message then that's on him!

Make sure you touch base with your friends and family frequently for the next little while too, having their support during and after a breakup is important! I hope it all goes well for you, and you're more than welcome to come back and keep us updated whether it be good or bad! We're here to support you <3

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Re: A confusing breakup

Hey @Rosie97 welcome to ReachOut Smiley Happy. It sounds like this must quite a difficult situation, especially it being your first relationship with lots of emotions flying around like the anxiety and confusion you mentioned. Would you consider spending some time apart if you can? I've found this usually helps to get some perspective on the situation and being physically away may also release some of the tension and anxiety you're feeling. In my experience, getting out of the house and either exercising or just sitting next to the sea or under a tree helped relieve some of those anxious feelings and allowed for some self-reflection. Hope some of this helps, always here to talk Heart

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Re: A confusing breakup

Hi @Rosie97

Thanks so much for posting and welcome to the forum! Heart

Breakups truly are one of the hardest things to go through, especially when it's your first, it's honestly devastating. Can I just say how cool it is that you're even asking these questions, it takes a lot and says a lot about you!  

 

I think the other bobs and mods are right in suggesting some time apart if possible? But I also understand how tricky it can be to take that step when you love someone.

 

When I was younger and in relationships, and even still sometimes, without meaning to, I would often mistake intimacy for intensity and end up almost addicted to the relationship dynamic, even if it wasn't super good for me! Sometimes I find that just a bit of mental break or a step back can help me re-assess the situation and action what is best for both people, and also help me to build my self-awareness and self-care practice to help me meet my own emotional needs so that when I do come back together with my partner I am able to be present and listen without expecting them to meet those needs for me if that makes sense! 

 

That being said it can be sooo hard to see it sometimes and also to just step back and allow some space! But please know you are not alone in feeling confused and as I said that fact you're even asking the questions is pretty bloody cool. It's definitely allowed to be hard right now and it's awesome to seek support!  

 

 

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Re: A confusing breakup

@Bella2 @squiggly @James99 @GioDes Thank you all so much for being so welcoming and for your advice, it really means a lot to me.

 

I completely agree with you all that some time apart is the answer. We've actually tried to stop speaking a number of times, I think the longest we've gone is 2 weeks though. The problem is neither of us tend to open up and talk to other people, so really only confide in each other. 

 

I'm trying to spend some time alone to reflect but I can't help but feel lonely and isolated. Even when I know talking to him is a bad idea that won't end well I still want to. I suppose it's just a very hard habit to break.

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Re: A confusing breakup

@James99  Hey you're so right! I haven't really been going out, I've just been stuck at home feeling very unmotivated to do things. Getting out and a change of scenery would probably do me some good. Thanks!

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Re: A confusing breakup

@GioDes Thank you so much for saying that! It really was devastating and has taken so much out of me mentally and emotionally. I'm not good at asking for help so this was a big step for me.

 

What you're saying makes so much sense! I do feel like I became addicted and still am to the relationship dynamic even though it wasn't good for me.  Meeting my emotional needs is something I've always struggled with but I recognise it is necessary for a healthy functioning relationship. Thanks again! 

 

 

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Re: A confusing breakup

Hey @Rosie97 everyone here has made some really good suggestions. I just wanted to say good on you for recognising that your emotional needs are important. I think a lot of people find it hard to strike that balance in a relationship, it's an ongoing learning experience. My main break-up advice is to change things up!! In the past when I've been going through a break-up I will do whatever I can to make things feel different - new hair, move the furniture around, catch up with old friends, go out with new ones, donate old clothes and get some new pieces that make you feel good. Anything that helps you carve out some happiness in this new chapter - it isn't easy but it will get easier in time Heart 

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Re: A confusing breakup

Hey, @Rosie97 glad to hear that may help. If you do get a chance I would also suggest really connecting with how you feel at those moments when you are out of the house. In my experience, I find it much more motivating the next time around when thinking back to how it made me feel. Like I said before, it's really helped me when I've felt particularly anxious in similar situations to what you're going through. Also, I found some other good activities that may help take your mind off things for a bit, hope some of these will help you Smiley Happy

Playing Sport, going for a run by the beach, sitting amongst nature, playing an instrument, doing visual art, playing video games, watching a movie, listening to music (the happy kind Smiley Happy), rearranging your room, baking/cooking, meditation