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Tk9

Am I Expecting too Much?

After i gave birth to our youngest son, my husband began taking drugs, partying with friends and began ongoing affairs with other women. He has since admitted his indescretions (Took a very long time for him to admit them even after i confronted him with proof and photos and call logs etc) and is sober now and has cut off communication with the women.
He really wants another shot at our relationship and i am considering it.
However, One of those women he was having an affair with was his Ex-fiance (from before my time). His mother (so my mother in law) has continued a relationship with his ex-fiance and has told me numerous times she preferred her son-my husband, to be with his ex-fiance and always denied that the ex-fiance would ever be "the other woman" and has defended her unyieldingly. My husband only recently told his mother they had in fact been having an affair and i had been right. His mother basically said she didnt care, because she hates me, that i was wrong for him and she wanted him to be with his ex-fiance anyway.
I have told my husband that if he wants to try again then i wont put up with any more disrespect from him or his parents. And if his parents want to continue a relationship with his ex, knowing completely what happened, that they would, and should not be welcome in our lives, or our childrens. And that if he still chooses to maintain a relationship with people who openly disrespect me and dont see how unacceptable it is, that there is no point to trying again.
He says that its not fair on them or on him.
Am i expecting too much, am i being too spiteful?

Re: Am I Expecting too Much?

Hi @Tk9! Welcome to the forums!

I'm sorry about what you're going through. It sounds like a really tricky situation. We all dream of having a good relationship with our in-laws, but some in-laws can have high or unreasonable expectations and make things very difficult for the rest of the family Smiley Sad I don't think that you're being unreasonable or expecting too much. These kinds of issues are actually pretty common. I'm not married, but I have had to deal with similar problems in my own family stemming from conflict and drama on the part of the in-laws.

I can't give specific advice about your situation, but I can tell you things about my experiences. I think that these kinds of issues can't be ignored, especially when you have children with your spouse. Some in-laws are never satisfied with anyone or anything. I was very affected by my grandmother's behaviour growing up. She would impose herself on my mother (her daughter-in-law), and then when I was born, she imposed herself on me. It's hard for me to explain, but she saw her son as the most important and most perfect figure in her life. Everyone else was unimportant and she would refuse to have anything to do with them, unless she wanted to demand them to do something for her or stir up some kind of drama (which she thrived on). No one else could do anything right in her eyes. Children can also be aware of family dramas and conflicts, which can affect their mood and health. Are you able to tell your husband that you are concerned about the potential impact that the conflict could be having on your kids?

I really sympathise with your situation. In my experience, it is very hard to change a husband who is very attached to his mother and refuses to do anything about her behaviour. Is your husband willing to talk to his parents, explain the impacts of their behaviour and tell them to stop what they are doing? Do you think that you, him and his parents would be able to agree on some boundaries? You don't have to cut them out of your life completely, but you might be able to set some 'rules' about when they can contact or visit, and how they can behave whilst in your home.

I found that some online communities were really helpful when I was experiencing family issues. These include this subreddit, for example. They reminded me that I wasn't alone. Of course, you can always post on ReachOut too. I'm here if you want to chat. Heart