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Being taken for granted

Hello RO

 

Okay so I've been friends with this girl for a few years now and we've grown pretty close. However, lately I feel like she's taking me and our other good friends for granted. She expects us to give her food and water when she wants to, and then when I refuse calls me a "bad friend." Recently I have been just refusing to give her lunch money or food (I see it as 'My money, my rights with it'). She keeps urging us to do stuff she does (drink and the like) when I want none of that.

Also lately, she said something pretty hurtful without realising it. Okay so me, her and our other friends were talking about what we would do in an apocalypse. She basically said she is going to go with her boyfriend. I'd like to point out that her boyfriend is abusive emotionally to her and other people (including us), doesn't love her in any way, uses her and is also incredibely narcissistic (He brags about he would get heavy weapons cause he is an "expert" on them)
So what she said was "What if our groups met? That would be interesting"
Now me and my other friends immediately interpreted that as "I wonder who would win in a fight" which really gets to us and we were really offended. When we told her how hurtful it was, she shrugged it off.
I don't know what to do. She has been a good friend many times but she just expects me and the others to do stuff for her, while she does nothing and comes up with excuses
Should we do an intervention kind of confrontation? I really want to do something about it, because at the moment, she is really getting on my nerves and not being a good friend. I do want to be supportive and to be there for her but it's hard when she takes me for granted.

Re: Being taken for granted

Hey @drhalloween 

 

It's great that you're taking time to think about what's going on and what approach you think would be appropriate with your friend. I can understand how frustrating it must be to having to put up with all this. Confronting her in a calm, collected manner could be a helpful way in letting her know about how you and your other friends have been feeling about her behaviour lately. Reason being that, if it was in a fairly angry, irritated sense, she may react badly to it and things could escalate. 

 

You could tell her about how hurtful her comments have been - she may not even be aware of it or what she said was unintentional. I believe that aside from expressing how you and your friends have been getting annoyed at her actions, you should also let her know that this is not about you guys going against her and that you still support her as a friend. 

 

Hope this helps. 

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Stay excellent

Re: Being taken for granted

@Myvo

Thanks for replying
OKay so today she got worse
So we are both in the same drama group and we have a performance coming up. She doesn't come to class today and she knew we would be rehearsing. I called her and asked her where she was. She was jigging class to go get food. I told her that we had to rehearse becuase it is due in a few days (she's also a major role). She replies with a simple "Okay." Not an "okay" like "okay, I'll be there soon" and "okay" like "okay, so?"
This performance is going to be hard to do with her skipping rehersals and we get marked on it as our assessment for this term. The teacher has asked me and my friends to talk to her and she will as well

Re: Being taken for granted

 @drhalloween Talk to her as soon as possible. As stressful and frustating as it is for you and your friends right now, particularly with assessment; you could also ask your drama teacher that if your friend doesn't co-operate whether there are other options are there for your group. Letting your drama teacher know is helpful because at least she know what's been happening lately that practicing for assessment has been difficult. 

 

I believe that regardless of what happens, you guys would still have to go about everyday tasks and go on with the show.  As for your friend, it would be better to try and have her understand what she's been doing has been unacceptable rather than having you reach a high level of distress to the point where it gets really ugly. Can totally relate when someone doesn't pull their weight and how bitter you can become when you have to work harder or put extra work in to compensate for a group member's absence/lack of co-operation and work. 

___________________________________________________
Stay excellent

Re: Being taken for granted

Hey @drhalloween this sounds like a crap situation to be in, I hate conflict and I cant even imagine how frustrating this is for you. I don't know about an intervention because it might come across as an attack which will put her on defense mode. Have you thought of speaking to her separately?

Although it sounds like she is quite defensive even one on one so maybe writing a letter each of you and sending it to her might help her truly understand what you are going through without interrupting you.

It is definitely important to address it now, as friends you all deserve better. If you feel your friendship cannot be fixed if she continues to do this, maybe it is time for you all to re-evaluate whether you want her in your lives.

Let us know how you go Smiley Happy
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