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Cant move on or be happy

Hey everyone first time post here.

I dont know where to start so ill just spit it out. Im 26 years old and i recently had my girlfriend who is 20 break up with me.

The reasons wernt 100% clear to me she did have problems with some things i did eg. smoking weed and playing to much computer. I never was abusive or out of line towards her i always treated her well and did the best i could to be there for her. she would start crying saying she couldnt do this anymore. that happened 2 or 3 times over our relationship. she left one time and came back 30 mins later cause she couldnt leave me.

I was always there for her no matter what even when she wanted to leave me i would console her and let her know that in the end things will work out either way and she has me.

After we broke up initially i was ok.. i didnt get to up set about it all. She was msging me day and night seeing how i was and saying good night, and i would always reply and help her through it.

After the first 2 weeks it hit me.. i missed her terribly so i contacted her and asked if i could meet up with her to talk with her.

when i met her i wrote down everything i wanted to say so i wouldnt get lost in the moment. i sat her down and told her how i see things and that things arnt as bad as she thinks... she didnt want a bar of me ...

after that it was like i had abused her and she wanted nothing to do with me.. it broke my heart that i invested all my time and love with her and now in return she has just turned her back on me.

to most of you guys out there you probably wondering what am i so worried about.. we are both young no kids house ect and i understand that...

Its been 3months or so now and i still cannot move on.. i havent contacted her cause that wasnt going in my favour at the start.. she made it seem like i was stualking her or something..

i told her that it was sad that after all this she cant even talk 2 me even though i was there when she was hurt.. i still got nothing. she msged me a week after that out of the blue and said she was sorry but cutting me out works for her and she doesnt want to talk or catch up.. and no to reply to her msg..

i still havent contacted her i know im young and so is she but why cant i shake these feelings of regret, dred, sorrow.... i ve been through break ups before and i come out in the end but i really feel messed up by this
I have very low confidence and selfesteem now i can hardly look at my self in the mirror.


Once again im sorry if this seems like a waste of time but im just looking for something to get me out of this or any advice.

thanks everyone for listening


Re: Cant move on or be happy

Hey ryan08, I'm lokifish Smiley Happy

First of all, good on you for posting and getting this off your chest. This definitely wasn't a waste of time, in fact it's pretty brave to open up to people for the first time on a site like this.

I can't say I've had any personal experience with break ups (I've never dated) but nonetheless it sounds like you're going through a rough time and this is taking it's toll on you. I know that when I'm feeling down talking to someone I trust can really help - whether it be friends, family or phone/online counselling. I wonder whether you've got any close friends or family members that you could reach out to? Otherwise there's always Lifeline on 13 11 14 - they're around 24/7 and you can call them for the cost of a local call.

Also, there's some factsheets here on RO about coping with break-ups that you might find useful, you can read them here: 

http://au.reachout.com/All-about-breaking-up

and here:

http://au.reachout.com/Coping-with-a-break-up

The fact that you've taken the time to write all this out, means that you're trying to find a solution & get help for yourself - and that's always a good thing.

Feel free to stick around and post as much as you need, we're all here for you Smiley Happy

______________________________________________________
No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: Cant move on or be happy

thank you for your reply

I do have many close friends who are all being great! I think thats why i feel so lost... im lucky to have so many good friends in my life. but i feel like ive exhausted all the talking with my mates about it, im stuck in this spot where ive been doing the hard yards and by now i should be feeling better and moving forward, but im stuck in this middle ground... i feel so un loved and un attractive all because the girl i loved wouldnt work with me to make things work.... at the end of the day i guess her being 20 she needs to get out and experiance life and other people a bit more... i just cant get my head around someone being able to drop you like that and cut you off completly

Re: Cant move on or be happy

Hey Ryan Smiley Happy

 

Sorry to hear that things have been so tough between you two. Unfortunately at this point you seem to have done the best you can - it seems like the best thing to do now would be to give her some space, let her relax a bit, and hopefully you'll be able to pick up your friendship a little while down the track.

You mentioned that she's 20 - is it possible that you two are in different places maturity-wise? I don't mean that in a negative way, of course, only that you have a few more years of experience, you know things that she's yet to learn. One of those things is knowing how to work through a relationship, and while you might be happy to do so, she might not really understand how to do that yet. 

Honestly, there's not one single answer that anyone can give you, as no one really knows everything that's going on for her except her. But be sure to take care of yourself Smiley Happy as you said, you've got some great friends, and you should try not to let this affect your self esteem. It's a cliche, but 'time heals all wounds' - stay strong and keep that in mind Smiley Happy

 

By the way, check out the fact sheets lokifish recommended, they'll probably be a bit more helpful than me!

 

Dan.

Re: Cant move on or be happy

Thanks for sharing this Ryan and welcome to the Reach Out forums. Smiley Happy

You know I had a very similar experience to this except she was 24 and I was 30 (same age gap). After what appeared to be a great relationship where things had been going well, suddenly she shut down communication lines between us. And then the next day she avoided me altogether. This wasn't normal behaviour for her and when I was finally able to sit her down to talk about it; she ended it. She couldn't give me clear reasons or say what went wrong.

I took it really hard, especially because I'm still on good terms with all of my preceding exes but this one didn't appear to be going that way. I tried to maintain some basic level of friendship while giving her space but even that wasn't happening.

Like you, I'd been nothing but a gentleman.

Still, I never received a clear answer and even mutual friends weren't able to figure it out.

In the end, I had to push past it on my own and just accept that I would never get an answer. It's tough, but reaching that point was a really big growth step for me and contributed significantly to how I handled future relationships.

Every negative has a positive; it can be hard to see sometimes but it'll always show up eventually.

Re: Cant move on or be happy

Thanks for the replies all.
Magga I think your right we are at two different maturity levels. I keep trying to remind my self of that. And also that I was 20 once and I understand what she might b thinking, and taking it with grace not jealousy and despair.

I keep thinking all my faults are what caused this And if only I tried harder to be better.. But I guess I could change all I want it may not have mattered.

I'm sorry that you have been through a smillar thing lex. I think one of the hardest things I'm dealing with is me being older I don't get out as much and she's out partying and I'm sure being with lots of different guys. I feel like I'm just rotting away. I try to change my thinking when I'm getting down but I find it very hard to over come.

Re: Cant move on or be happy

and the pain keeps coming.. i spoke to my mum today about the whole thing and she told me that on my birthday she didnt want to be around me because i would be on the computer... now i cant stop beating my self up. feel like i deserve the way i feel.. i pushed out someone i loved and who loved me.. she fell out of love and im paying the price..

i really want to contact her and tell her i miss her so much and i hope she is going good.. my friends keep telling me not to and i know i shouldnt. the constant fight in my head is draining me

Re: Cant move on or be happy

Hey Ryan,

 

I really feel for you mate. And like Lex, I have been there as well. When someone that you really love breaks it off, you inevitably get into a tailspin of thinking "What if..." and "If I had just done this, maybe she would have stayed". I'm not gonna tell you not to do that, coz I know you are going to it anyway, it is a natural reaction. But it will pass. 

 

I know you just want to be able to NOT think about it, but it keeps bugging your mind and youcan't think about anything else. All I can say is that over time your head will slowly come out of the grey clouds, and you will start to find yourself thinking about other things. It will happen gradually - but beilive me mate, it will happen. 

 

And the feeling unattractive thing. Yep, that is natural as well. Even if you look like bloody Brad Pitt, I think it is natural to feel unattractive and a bit crap if someone leaves you. I can remember my sister giving me some simple but good advice on this front when I was feeling like the ugliest, most unattractive dude in the history of the world. She said, go to the gym as much as you can and really try to push yourself into doing it regularly. It has a few benefits: a) physical excerise is one of the best ways to stop thinking about the stuff that is constantly occupying your mind; b) if you are physically a bit fitter you will likely feel mentally fitter; c) if you are having trouble sleeping, being physically exhausted (rather than just mentally exhausted) is likely to help you get some decent shut-eye; d) after a few weeks you will feel a bit stronger and you will probably start to feel a bit sexier and confident. You might have even started to develop guns and a six-pack ;-) 

 

It might just give you that kick-start and confidence you need to get back out on the town again and start to meet some new people.

 

It's not easy, some days you just feel so bad you can't bare to go to the gym, but if you stick with it, it will get easier and you will start to see some results.  I am totally not a gym-junkie sort of fella, but honestly it did make a difference. 

 

Hang in there buddy, and keep checking in with us on here to let us know how you are travelling.

 

 

 

 

Re: Cant move on or be happy

Thanks heaps for your reply ben

i acctually started going to the gym right after the break up.. ive lost like 10kgs and im eating well.

i guess it just comes down to the fact that its going to be hard and i just gotta fight the negative thoughts off as best i can!

after i felt so bad today when i got home i smashed out an hour of excercise. i havent done that at home in go knows how long.

but after i was done i feel alot better. i have to be happy with results and be paitent!

 

one thing i will add for anyone else reading this while i was feeling down i went on the computer and looked up motivational quotes from famous people. i looked up

Lebron James (his my idol)

Bruce Lee

arnold swarzneggar

muhumad ali  

Anyway i noticed while i spent time just looking for some good ones i was slowly getting motivated.. i know it sounds a bit stupid but if it worked for me im sure it can help some of you out there reading.

Re: Cant move on or be happy

You've lost 10kgs already! Wow - right on dude. That's great.

 

And I know what you mean about feeling bad and then smashing out an hour of exercise. When you feel really low, sometimes you just need to go "OK, I know that if I start excercising I will at least feel a little bit better" and you always do.

 

Good call on the motivational quotes - I haven't tried that but will have to give it a go. Any really great quotes that were particularly significant to you?