Dealing with pressure from famly

[Sarah_472]

Hi All, I am new to this so I apologise for any mistakes in advance. So I guess I am looking for advice in regards with dealing with pressure from family (in particular an older brother) of what I should be doing with my life. I know that deep down he only wants the very best for me however it comes across as quite harsh and negative most of the time. You see, I grew up in a bit of a strict family where I wasn't really allowed to go out with friends, have a boyfriend and the like, and now that I have since turned 25 y/o I am some how EXPECTED to have a boyfriend, be in a good job and not living at home still (this I did not plan on happening, but anyway) and to also know what I want in life. I know what he is saying to me that it is only harder when you get older to do things but some things just haven't worked out for me like I planned, like being in a good job by now and being able to buy a house. People keep telling me that there is no timeline for when you complete things in life but I can't help but feel that I am simply no good and am destined for nothing. I have felt this way my whole life, that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for my family or anyone. Difficult to please.

I have thought about having a chat with my sister-in-law (his wife) alone without my brother about this and how I feel when he speaks to me, but I am kinda scared and am fearful of the outcome of this. Does anyone have any thoughts??

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @Sarah_472, no need to apologise, welcome to our forums! Sorry to hear about the difficult situation that you are currently in. Having your brother constantly giving you pressure must be really tough to go through. Sometimes it can be so hard when people we care about are making us feel pressured, especially when they think they are helping us out or thinking about our best interests, like you mentioned is the case with your brother. I am wondering if you have had the chance to talk with your family or brother about how this has been making you feel? Would you feel comfortable sharing some of the things that you shared with us, like how you said things haven't worked out as planned yet and that this has led to a change in your plans? I am sorry that you are feeling like you will never be good enough for your family, that must be a really tough way to feel. Do you have someone (maybe outside of your family) that you feel comfortable talking to about what has been happening and how you are feeling?

[Anzelmo]

Hi @Sarah_472 

First of all, you are not designed for nothing. You will find something you enjoy, and find direction in your life. There is nothing wrong with feeling a little lost. For your family situation I understand the frustration of having your parents shelter you, and then suddenly expect you to be in serious relationships, really independent, mature, self-sufficient, etc when they held you back from developing those skills in the first place. At least now you have the chance to start working on those things for yourself.

Is it possible for you to have a talk to your brother about how you feel? and if not what makes it hard for you?

[A_Friend]

@Sarah_472 Hey, I'm sorry to hear your struggling right now. @Anzelmo and @Sophia-RO have given some great ideas. It may help to talk to your sister in law to see if she could maybe give you some perspective or an insight into his intentions and that way it may be easier to than talk to your brother as you can explain way your coming from while understanding where is coming from as well. I hope that if you decide talk to him, i hope it goes well and you feel better soon.

[Macaria]

Hi @Sarah_472, I'm thinking whether your negative feeling towards yourself comes from your family because they are hard to please. My family situation is a bit similar with yours, such as not allowed to hang out with friends, but this happens before my age of 17. After 17 years old, my parents change a lot because I kept disobeying their orders and rules, and did things that I want (well, of course not against the law). I think you might need to talk to your family for several times because it would be bad for you if you are controlled by your family. It is very hard to make them change, but hope you all the best and wait for your updates (hug)

[Bella2]

hi @Sarah_472 I know how hard it can be but just remember some things take time if your brother keeps hassling you just maybe let him know that not everything works out perfectly and that I need time. but don't let anyone pressure you, good things take time. I really hope this helps. and if you do feel like you can speak to your sister in law then yeah speak to her, speak to whoever makes you feel comfortable. let us know how it goes or if you need more help.

[Anzelmo]

Hi @Sarah_472!

I just wanted to check-in and see how you were doing and how you are finding the start of the new year. Hope you are alright friend and things are working better for you and your family. If not feel free to talk to us if you need support or just a friend to chat with.

[ayrc_1904]

Hey @Sarah_472 

Just checking in since it's been a little while. I hope you are feeling better about things. Have you been able to talk to your brother or anybody else in your family about how you've been feeling? If so, how did it go? 

I can understand the pressure  Societal norms kind of determine what we think is an 'appropriate' time to have things done in life which can put this time limit on people. But I think things come to people at different times. I'm sure you will achieve those things in your life and you should be proud of who you are and what you're working towards even if you haven't reached the goals as early as others expect you to.

Sending love and support your way  

[Sarah_472]

Hey All, thanks everyone for messaging me and for your suggestions,  I think I just needed time to I guess 'calm down' and think a bit more rationally and with being busy over the Christmas/ New Year period hasn't really helped but anyway.  For those asking if I have had a chance to speak with my sister in law, No at this stage not yet due to being busy with holidays and work and if I'm being really honest I scared to but anyway that is something that I need to do on my part. I think I'm realising that I need to start playing that active role NOW in my life for things to happen like dating, making friends, etc. I am in the early stages of seeking therapy (I'm just a bit worried of the wait list (which is completely out of my control with everything happening in the world) and that I will be wasting my life away in the time being while I wait to get help (maybe I'm being irrational here??) I don't feel comfortable with telling most of my family about how I am seeking counselling (only my Mum and sister in law know a bit about this) again maybe I need to stop being a baby and face my fears (how on earth do I do this?? but anyway).

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Sarah_472 

Thanks for giving us this update, it's great to hear from you again 

Totally fair enough that you haven't had a chat to your sister in law yet, it is a super busy and wild time! And its understandable to feel scared about this, its hard opening up to others, but you've been really brave to share what you're going through with us.

I think wanting to play an active role in these areas of your life is really awesome and makes a lot of sense - you are the leading role in your life! And good on you looking into seeking therapy, wait times are super annoying, do you want to chat through getting any online supports in the meantime like Kids HelpLine or eHeadspace? 

Facing fears is really tough but I think you're doing pretty awesomely and you're not being a baby at all. I find sometimes writing things down first, making notes of what i'm going to say before a tough convo helps with the fears around telling people things, could that be helpful for you? I'm keen to hear others thoughts on how to do this too