Family issues

[JDF12]

Hi, so basically since last August my parents have been fighting, arguing etc after my mum caught my dad cheating on her with multiple women. At first my dad denied and but a few days later he admitted to it. There were weeks and weeks of daily emotional abuse which took a toll on me and my siblings and it came to a point where my mum’s brother (uncle) had to fly from overseas to tackle the issue. It did ease things down a bit and my dad went for regular counselling to better tackle the issue and be a better person, however my mum refused to go for counselling and still doesn’t despite her GP constantly urging her to go. There are many times where my mum just overthinks situations and comes up with outlandish claims of what my dad is currently doing which is completely false.( Eg: if he went out to fill up the car with fuel and once he returns she’d accuse him of meeting some woman etc). I can now safely say that my father is a changed man and is doing his best to be a better person, however my mum constantly abuses him emotionally and it’s taking a toll on him (he sometimes contemplates on suicide or leaving for the sake of his own mental health for a small amount of time). I know that if he leaves for a few days, my mum will for sure come up with more outlandish claims and accuse him of sleeping with more women. The last few weeks/month since the situation has cooled down (to some extent) my mum will appear normal in front of us and make it appear like things have resolved but I’ve overheard many conversations whilst she things we are sleeping when she’d hurl abuse at my father. Things are getting really out of hand and divorce is a taboo in my culture and it will take a huge toll on my academics as well as my siblings since we’ve come to a crucial point in life where we are about to end high school or start university. It’ll also take a toll on my mum since she’s not exactly independent and relies on my dad for important things like sending out emails or any other work related things. I could really use some guidance 

[Janine-RO]

Hi @JDF12 , 

Thanks so much for posting here, we are really glad that you were able to come here for support. A lot of other people in the community here have experienced difficult and traumatic family circumstances, you're not alone. It sounds like it's been an incredibly tough time for you and your family, and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Dealing with your parents fighting all of the time, especially if it escalates to emotional abuse, can be incredibly hard to deal with and can take a toll on you. There's a really useful resource on our website and I just thought I'd share the infographic here - it's about ways to make sure you're caring for yourself while your family is going through this. The article that goes along with it is here https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-deal-with-your-parents-fighting-all-the-time

I hear you when you say that both your mum and your dad have been emotionally abusive, and your dad sometimes contemplates suicide. It's good to hear that your Dad has been for counselling, and I hope that he's able to seek more help if he needs it. 

I'm sorry to hear that your mum hasn't wanted to engage with a counsellor. Do you think she would be open to using an online service or helpline? 

You sound like a very caring sibling and son, and I'm sorry that you and your siblings are in this situation. Your safety and wellbeing are really important, and it's okay to need some help to get through this. Do you think that you might find it helpful to talk to a psychologist or a counsellor for support? 

You're not alone, the community here has a lot of people who've been through tough times with their families, and I think you've shown a lot of courage in posting here. 

[ayrc_1904]

Hi @JDF12,

Thank you for telling your story and I'm sorry you've had to deal with such a hard situation. I know first hand what it's like to have 2 family members argue very loudly constantly. Not to the same extreme as you, but I know that it is hard on everyone else around the people who are in conflict. The advice @Janine-RO gave is basically what I did to distract myself and also to protect myself from being affected by the noise around me. Some days it will be harder for different reasons to allow yourself to take time for self-care or to block them out with other distractions. I believe in you though and you will get through this. What worked for me sometimes was listening to music. Sometimes, you quite literally have to block out the noise and that might work for you too. Hope you feel much better soon. 

[liv1611]

Hi @JDF12, I’ve just read your post and it was been around a week since you posted, just wondering how you are doing?

I too faced a very similar situation with my parents, however the other way around where my mother had cheated and my father was emotionally abusive. Unfortunately parental conflict is common, however with it being common it means there are others with a similar experience who can validate you and talk to you about it. As someone who has been through a similar experience, I would recommend seeking counselling. I wish I had earlier, but I am now which has helped come to terms with what I witnessed when I was younger. You sharing your story on here is a brave step. Our community is here for you, but in terms of professional advice, Headspace is definitely a good place to seek it. 

Hope you are doing okay 😊