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Feelings of inadequacy

Okay, so a little backstory before I get into what is actually happening.

For a few months I have been getting through my depression and becoming a stronger and better person and at the end of it all I got to contact a friend who was the one who got me to do this in the first place. So that time has past and I am talking to that friend again but there is a problem and this is where the post comes in.

 

Over the 3-4 times I have spoken to my friend, in some way or another, she has brought up the topic of relationships, girlfriends, boyfriends etc. She has a boyfriend which normally leads to the topic, although it is often we don't talk about the topic directly. One of the first few questions she asked me, when we started talking again, was whether or not I had a girlfriend, to make it worse she used a tone of expecting something. The exact question was "So, have you found yourself a girlfriend?", really not something I wanted her to be asking, if I did I would have told her. To me it really seemed like she was just expecting me to have a girlfriend and quite frankly that really pissed me off and left me feeling undermined. Mind you, her and only one other person could ever make me feel this way, if anyone else had said that I simply would have paid no attention to it, but because she said it, it has raised several feelings within me.

That's not the only time something like this has happened. Tonight she decided to tell me that she had lost her virginity to her boyfriend, I didn't really mind but it is getting really annoying that she keeps shoving her relationship in my face, when she knows how much it hurt me before I stopped talking to her. Mind you I didn't really mind as I have gotten over that I will never be with her and I wont be her first like I wanted.

 

The feelings I mentioned, as mentioned in the title, are of inadequacy. Everytime she brings up relationships/her boyfriend I feel like I am less of a person/man just because I don't have a girlfriend. The issue is only compounded by the fact that I am a 17 year old male who, by social standards, is meant to have a girlfriend and already experienced his firsts. I have yet to kiss a girl, have a real relationship (in terms of romance) or have any real firsts of anything to do with romance. The problem is that these feelings leave me with a blow to my self esteem, confidence and my own assurance of who I am. It's only recently that I've managed to generate these positive qualities and start pushing myself into a happy life.

 

I am getting myself out there socially, and all of that, I am not exactly looking for love but just trying to make as many friends as possible but not any giving up any opportunities that past me by. I'll hopefully be volunteering with headspace or my local counsel soon to get me out there.

 

Sorry, sort of seems like a rant at the moment, I am sort of venting a bit but I am getting to asking a question and getting to my point.

 

So I guess my question is, has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any advice for me? Or does anyone have a story like this? This is the one thing I struggle the most with, I have read every article I can find on the website about relationships, making friend, etc. 

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

Hey Tempus,

Firstly let me say that you are no less of a man or a person just becasue you haven't experienced love or romance before! I'm also 17 and haven't had experienced any of this before. SUre I've had crushes on guys and that, but it's never lead to anything. I had a boyfriend a few years back for a total running time of about 3-4 days before I broke it off. I wasn't ready, and it wasn't what I wanted at the time.

I know it can be hard when people close to you are in relationships and are shoving it in your face. I totally get what you mean by it, my friend is the same and I just remind myself that I don't need a guy to prove to myself who I am. Yes it can be hard at times, and I do question why I'm not in a relationship, but I just have to remind myself that I am no less of a person by being sinlge.

It's great that your trying to focus on making new friendships. You never know, you might becomes friends with a girl you like who likes you back?

Don't worry if you don't find love straight away, your only young and the right person will come along eventually.


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

Thanks for replying Bee, the post was a bit of wall of text.

I've had one girlfriend that last about 6 weeks but she broke up with me because she wanted to run off with some 21 year old. I couldn't care less about her now but it did leave its scars.

It really doesn't help that I fell in love with the girl I am talking about in the post, I don't love her as I used to any more, but I still do care about her deeply, which just makes things harder on me the way she is treating me now.

I try to stick by: "that if I am in my current position, then there is no doubt there is a girl out there in the same position". A lot of the time that gets me through any doubt of why I don't have a girlfriend but when it comes to her pushing it...it hits at my heart.

Haha Smiley Tongue. Maybe Bee, just maybe Smiley Tongue.

I really hate the way my generation treats relationships and being in one.
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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

I'm recently single myself now Tempus and I find it painful to be around other couples. But I remember how it feels to be in a new relationship and you just want to let everyone in the world know how happy you are. She is probaby so wrapped up in her happiness cocoon she doesn't even realise that it's upsetting you. She won't know unless you tell her! Or just say something like "would it be ok if we didn't talk about relationships?" next time you're chatting.

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

She has been in the relationship nearing 2 years I think.

Okay thanks Elle. If I talk to her again I will be sure to say that
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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

It's ok, sometimes it takes a wall of text to get things out Smiley Happy

Yeah that would be hard to deal with. Have you tried sitting down with her and explain how you feel about her constantly going on about her boyfriend...

There is always someone who isn't in a relationship. My mum found a boyfriend without looking, it was her brothers mate. And they have been married nearly 30 years! With 5 children (of course one being me Smiley Tongue haha)
I understand how it can hit home when she's going on about it. And I guess you've just got to remind yourself that while you haven't found someone at the moment, that it doesn't mean you wont find someone soon Smiley Happy

It sucks doesn't it? Or the way they say "Come on, you've got to like someone" when you tell them that your don't like someone at the moment in time... It's like no you don't always have to be attached to someone of the opposite sex to be happy, no you don't have to like someone all the time. It can get really annoying with everything and everyone being so orientated around being in a relationship... (wow, this last sentence sounded a bit tense.. oops lol)


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

Thing is, I have only started talking to her again this past week. She keeps ignoring me when I want to go see her. I want to see her before we start to discuss everything that happened and how we both feel now.

It really does...don't worry, it's fine. Just happy people are helping right now.

I know it sounds a bit silly, but I've always had feelings for someone but they are not really active most of the time (the feelings). We are friends and I never act on how I feel about her because I've tried before and I know she doesn't feel the same way and it would just put pressure on our friendship again.

It really doesn't help that I've always wanted a family, I've always had problems with affection (lack of it), which leads me to wanting to give someone a lot of affection. I am a bit screwed up when it comes to romantic relationships, probably because of my non-existent relationship with my mother but that's another whole discussion. I can get a bit needy and wanting someone to need me, I can sit here all night listing everything I do wrong in any sort of relationship, a bit ironic since I haven't had a romantic relationship before
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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

It doesn't sound silly, It's understandable how you can always have feelings for someone but they aren't always there.

There is no problem with wanting a family, it's something I think everyone knows before they really think about it. I've always wanted a family of my own too, it's something that just seems normal to want...
I wouldn't say that you things wrong in a relationship, I think every relationship is different, what might be wrong in one relationship, may not be in another... And in my opinion there isn't really a right or wrong relationship or what to do in it. There is things that are frowned upon by society but it doesn't necesarily mean it is wrong - in my opinion...

(feeling like a bit of a rant here Smiley Tongue haha) Smiley Happy


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

Thanks Bee, it's always nice to have thoughts bounced off someone else and have some true light shed on them.

 

I have put some serious thought into a family, I know I want one. For a male my age it's not very common to know this and be so sure of it. Most males my age and older say they don't want a family until they actually settle down and realise they do.

 

That's true Bee, every relationship is different. I agree with you, what is frowned upon by society is often completely stupid and has no sound reasoning. I'd really like to hear from an older member of the forum about their experiences with relationships. Are they all different?

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

Hey Tempus,

Since she asked you with the expectation of you having a girlfriend it suggests she thinks of you as someone a girl would go out with. It's fair to assume you have something going for you then.
You're likely to get your family. I think it's good that you know you want a family, I just think you're likely to get a better one sooner if you don't make it a mission so it's good that you said you weren't looking for love.
It's like on how I met your mother, Ted has been searching for his wife forever; Barney was searching for his next one-night stand forever and is getting married instead; Lily had broken up with her boyfriend with the aim of not having anything serious right before she met Marshall; Marshall's first and only was Lilly.
Basically what I'm saying is try not to worry about it, don't force and focus on it before it starts, keep doing the great thing you're doing of letting yourself be open and it will happen.

That's a seriously great thing by the way, being open and putting yourself out there.

As for you not experiencing any of those firsts yet, I wouldn't mind it at all if my boyfriend hadn't had all or any of his firsts. It may be against what we're told is normal, but that doesn't matter. I think there are a lot more 17 year olds of both genders who haven't had a first kiss than most people think.

I'm not an older member (although I may be if we go by months? haha), but I'm pretty sure relationships have their difference. Heathy ones probably have a lot of similar values, but each relationship has different people which make the difference.
Look at your own friendships, you have different relationships in them because they're made with different people. It's the same with romantic relationships.