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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

Hey Tempus,

 

This might sound like to total opposite thing you would want to do but usually when you're having a conflict with someone it's a great idea to straight up mention it to the person. Obviously not in a mean or angry way but simply asking can be best.

 

Maybe there was a particular reason your friend asked, or maybe they didn't mean it to come off as a bit mean, or perhaps they didn't even know it upset you.

 

There have been plenty of times when someone I know has asked me this same question but I always keep in mind that perhaps it's more about them and their expectations than me and mine.

 

Let us know what steps you end up taking!

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

@BirdEye From what I remember, when I met her she was very impressed by what I could do with my programming and she was impressed by my intelligence. So I guess it's that she thinks that I have that going for me. Yeah, don't worry, I'm not making it a mission. It's just something I know I want but before I get to that stage I want to make sure I have a completely stable life with most, if not all my dreams fulfilled that are not related to family. Yeah you're right, all my friendship are very different and are with completely different people.

 

@Atma It wouldn't be the first time I've taken that approach, just being flat out honesty. I made sure that I hid any suggestion that it made me upset because I didn't want to bring down the conversation. Alright, I'll let you know when I do act Smiley Happy.

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

Of course all relationhips are different! We're all unique and so the way we interact with any other person is going to be unique. I have dated men who wanted to get married, men who wanted kids, men who wanted to get married but foster kids, men who just wanted a good time and plenty of in-betweens! Not to mention all the varieties of ways people can show love and express themselves within a relatonship. Some methods fit better than others so in the end its all about what works for you. There is plenty of time to find out. I'm 29 and back on the market so I guess I will be learning how to fit into new relationships soon too Smiley Happy

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

Thanks for the post ElleBelle, sounds like you've had some experience Smiley Happy. Thanks for sharing! Really compounds the point that all relationships are different, thanks!

Feeling a bit better now because I got a chance to get back up on stage again at my student achievement night. For what ever reason I like being up on stage...don't care if I'm being judged, I love it anyway. Looking sexy in a suite is the best Smiley Wink
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Re: Feelings of inadequacy


@Tempus wrote:

 

I have put some serious thought into a family, I know I want one. For a male my age it's not very common to know this and be so sure of it. Most males my age and older say they don't want a family until they actually settle down and realise they do.

 

That's true Bee, every relationship is different. I agree with you, what is frowned upon by society is often completely stupid and has no sound reasoning. I'd really like to hear from an older member of the forum about their experiences with relationships. Are they all different?


 

Hey Tempus. I'm a 33-year-old guy.

 

When I was 17, I hadn't experienced any of my firsts. I wouldn't get around to any of that until I was 19 or 20, but that didn't mean I wasn't desperately trying to get any of them done while I was 17! None of my firsts happened while I was in a relationship. 

When I was 17, I, too, believed that I wanted to find the right girl, settle down, buy a house and start a family. As it turned out, that wasn't the case at all. At about 21 I made it all the way up to the house-buying stage. Our loan fell through and we both sighed in relief. We realised it wasn't what we wanted at all and we broke up a few months later.

 

Since then, I've had relationships but I've never been 100% happy in them. My current lifestyle makes it impossible to be in a long-term relationship and I love it.

 

More and more I've become uncomfortable with the popular idea that there are only two options: 1) in a relationship, 2) single and looking to be in a relationship. This is a false dichotomy as there are always other ways of doing things.

For me, I'm single and not seeking a relationship (and I don't anticipate that status will ever change for me)… but that doesn't mean I'm alone or celibate either.

 

My point is that you shouldn't feel inadequate due to other people's pigeonholes. If someone asked me why I didn't have a girlfriend, or just presumed that I did, they'd get a bit of a talking to about the assumptions they're making. Smiley Wink

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

Wow, Lex, thanks for the great post.

 

It more sounds like you're telling me that just because I know what I want now doesn't mean it will be the same when it happens. I respect that, I really do. As I'm sure you know, that experience is my own to experience and learn. I'm also sure you're aware that we all walk our own path.

 

To be honest I used the word inadequate because I didn't want to sound dramatic. More like I feel like I'm nothing when it was asked of me.

 

Maybe there is more to these feelings then her simply asking. Great things have always been expected of me, great grades in my studies and a great career and future. Maybe it's because of these expectations of me that I feel like I'm not living up to those because I have yet to have any success in relationships where as I have met them everywhere else or going to meet them

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I am have asked her if we can talk but I'm yet to hear back from her as of writing this. Really starting to question if this friendship will work after all. It demonstrates some signs of an unhealthy relationship. The more I look back on the old friendship, it showed traits of an abusive relationship.

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

Hey Tempus,

 

I think it's great that you've asked to chat with your friend.

 

If you're thinking that it might have been an abusive relationship then these fact sheets might help you learn a bit more about it.

 

http://au.reachout.com/Signs-of-an-abusive-relationship

 

http://au.reachout.com/What-to-do-if-youre-in-an-abusive-relationship

 

Don't forget there are lots of people you can chat to about this if you need. Kids Help Line is a pretty good service for a discussion like this one: 1800 55 1800.

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Re: Feelings of inadequacy

Thanks for that Atma.

So it's over, I talked to her about it and she just cracked it, got very angry and now I doubt she will ever try to talk to me again. Direct approach did not work but that's alright. I think it was time this friendship ended, no matter how much it hurts, I need to give her, and myself more space

Thanks for all the advice guys, really appreciate it!