There's this girl I really really like and I told her about this she said she doesn't wanna come in relationship or anything like that ever with anyone but I conveyance her to think about this and take some time to understand my feelings. It's been almost 2 months we talk on calls and WhatsApp daily and we talk like boyfriend and girlfriend i care about her and she cares about me..she tells me everything but whenever I start talking about "us" she starts saying that she doesn't want relationship with anyone ever she also says that please don't think about me more......she is saying this because she had a past her first boyfriend dumped her and now she is saying that was her first and last maybe.... whenever I ask her that she like me or not she says she don't know anything.......I am thinking that she's saying all this because of her past relationship.....to be honest my feelings for her are truly genuine, I wanna be with this girl, I don't wanna lose her from my life..... whenever I think about this it feels like it's killing me from inside.....what should I do now??...HELP ME.
Hey @Option ahh that sounds super tough! It so hard to sit with intense feelings for someone when they aren't in a position to be in a relationship. As hard as it is in these situations, sometimes all you can do is focus on what you can control, which is how you approach it and how you look after yourself. Do you know if she also has feelings for you?
There's a good article here on 6 steps to tackle a difficult situation, which may come in handy at some stage.
Hi @Option! Welcome to the forums!
That sounds like a really tricky situation. It sounds like this girl is giving you a lot of mixed messages. But you're a really great friend for supporting her.
I can't tell how you how she's feeling, but would it be worthwhile to ask her whether she sees you as a friend? You could ask her whether she enjoys chatting with you, what she likes the most about spending time with you, and other kinds of questions to see if she values your support. Speaking from my own experience, there have been times where I've been friends with someone and we've supported each other without wanting it to turn into a romantic relationship.
It sounds like you're really worried about losing her. Is there anything that helps you cope with this?
I know it's been some time since you've posted. Even if it is just a tiny bit, I'm hoping that things have been a little bit easier. I think what you feel is very valid and I get a feeling that there is a lot of uncertainty and worry.
It's okay to feel that way and importantly, it's okay to not be coping with it and ask for help and tips on how to keep moving forward. I know I don't know the full situation, which is why you are absolutely welcome allowed to feel that certain tips or things I say may not work or apply.
That is perfectly fine. In terms of what you should and can do, I think we could ask some of the questions:
- When you say, "whenever I think about this, it feels like it's killing me" what does it feel like and what happens? Does nothing happen, does your heart beat faster, changes in breathing?
- Does this situation, feeling or thoughts associated with it make your routine harder? This could be things like work, study or basic self-care such as eating and drinking.
- How often do you feel this way? Once a day, once a week, a few times a month?
I think these are important questions to ask and the reason I bring them up is to get some reflection going as you have the whole picture with you. Depending on what you think about, it might feel like you could use some additional support, whether it be a GP, a friend, family member or a psychologist. Or, it may feel that for the most part, you are coping very well and it is just a tough situation.
The point I make is that if it is something that has a big and negative impact on your life, it is okay to ask for help. And I know how scary that can be. That feeling is a very valid one, just as the feelings you've shared in your post.
That is one thing to think about.
Another is about self-care. In tough times, we can forget to take care of our needs and then find or feel that things are becoming a bit harder. I've made a list of things that I hope can help you!
✨ get into life!
do the things that you love and are important to you. It can give you a sense of achievement and purpose, boost your confidence and help get you out of a rut.
🎄 learn skills for tough times!
there are things we can do to help manage difficult thoughts and feelings. Think about things like music, meditation, writing down thoughts and the ways you cope with challenging times.
feeling connected is an essential part of being human. Spending time with family and friends can strengthen our mental health. How does planning a day to chill sound?
🧸 eat well!
our bodies have a strong link between what we eat and how we feel. A poor diet can make us feel sluggish, low and might even make us feel more sad, stressed or nervous.
☄️ stay active!
being can make us sleep better, manage stress and boost our mood. Make time to take a break from study or work and do some exercise.
🌙 get enough sleep!
getting enough sleep is good for our brain and body. It improves our mood and sharpens our concentration and resilience. It makes us stronger!
🐺 cut back on alcohol and other drugs
alcohol and drugs might feel like they help in the short term, but they can interfere with our mental health and make it worse in the long run. Let's swap this for things that make us stronger.
I'm hoping for the best.
Sounds like you really care for this girl and I hope things are still well between you two. She seems like shes deflecting and not in the position to be in a relationship. Whether this is due to her not having the same intimate feelings for you, or because she is still recovering from her past relationships, I think you should try to prioritize yourself more.
From my personal experience these situations can be hard and its very easy to fall down a destructive slope where your relationship dynamic becomes one-sided. Make sure she doesn't take advantage of the fact that you would do anything for her. Im sure shes great and you guys have a solid friendship, but I like I said the dynamic can change when one person feels more than the other.
If you want the best for the both of you two, I would suggest setting boundaries, and not letting yourself get hurt. If shes really your friend, then you guys wont lose each other. Dont pressure things and ensure you guys have a mutual power dynamic. Not sure if any of that makes sense.
Keep yourself in check and see what your friends think from an outsiders point of view. I wish you the best of luck and keep us updated.
Things to check out:
Let's Chat: Giving Support - join in the discussion!
We're having a week-long SlowMo Getting Real chat about managing money. We'd love to hear your insights!
Dr Joe joined us this month to talk about emotions: check out the conversation here!
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