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Re: HOCD and if it is or not

I definitely am being very hard in myself which i think is part of the anxiety. When i am really wrestling with my anxiety usually i have a big old cry which helps me get it out. Except I'm going to try and limit this as it probably isn't healthy. I have bought myself 2 notebooks, one for the negative thoughts and one for the positive thoughts. If i am having any negative thoughts and feel the need to rant to someone i just write it all down in my negative notebook. At the start or end of the day, or after writing in the negative notebook, i write good things about myself and what i did today in the positive notebook and focus on the positives. I am also trying to limit the amount i talk about my mental health condition so i don't offload on people and push them further away from me, which i thinking will also stop myself from dwelling on it. Overall i am going to aim to be a better person Smiley Happy

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Re: HOCD and if it is or not

Hey @comerfordius, congratulations! You have made some fabulous changes in the last couple of months. I really like the sound of the notebook idea, writing our feelings down is a great way for us to process them and relieve stress and anxiety, so well done!

 

Crying can be good for us, did you know when we cry our bodies release stress hormones and the chemical composition of tears of laughter are different from our tears from stress, thats why we feel better after having a cry! 

 

Keep up the good work! 

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Re: HOCD and if it is or not

@comerfordius that's such lovely self-reflection! I really love the idea of writing out positive and negative thoughts in separate books, while making sure you reflect on aspects you like about yourself/ how your day went if negative thoughts have been cropping up. Heart That's such a healthy way of balancing thinking! Smiley Very Happy

That being said, sometimes having a big old fashioned cry or opening up to the people who care about you really does help too! You seem really considerate and thoughtful about how you interact with people in your life, and it shows a lot of caring and love Heart It's awesome that you're thinking about self-improvement, but I'd love to acknowledge just how compassionate and caring you are as is!!! Heart Smiley Very Happy 




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We had a live chat on Accessing Mental Health Support Online! Smiley Very Happy Check it out here! Heart
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Re: HOCD and if it is or not

TW: sexually graphic language, hocd. 

 

Sorry for the long article and my poor English. I am just trying to record my full experience.

 

I’m an 21 year old male. I have been straight(or I think I am) for all of my life. I have been so attracted to girls and I love watching porn and I keep surfing for new porn content almost everyday. 

 

Around two months ago, I was talking to someone at working about having dinner with my mate on the weekend. That person asked “are you going for a date?”  I said “Nah. It’s just my mate.” That person jokes with me, “Yea, what if that turns out to be a date?” After hearing that, I started to feel extremely anxious for some reason. 

 

After few days, I watched porn for two days and masturbation for two days. Then suddenly I got these thought which questioning if I was gay. My interest on women suddenly disappeared which convinced me I have turned gay. There were gay thought appearing on my head all days. 

 

I started to searched online to check if it is possible for a straight men to turn gay. I read some story online about people realised they were gay and it scared the shit out of me. I stopped watching porn because I am scared of seeing penis. When I am walking on the street. I keep looking at male and female see if I have 

 

But finally, I found a website which said about HOCD, which I believe I could have (I never knew what OCD before). I get a slight relief from knowing that. But my gay thoughts are still comes and I keep searching if I am HOCD or gay. 

 

After a few days. I feel like my gay thoughts has almost gone. So I decided to treat myself for some porn (big mistake). After masturbating for two straight days with sex toys. My gay thoughts are back. 

And I still don’t have interest in women.

 

The thought and stress are milder comparing with the first time. But occasionally my thoughts are so real that I am so annoyed and scared that I couldn’t concentrate on study and work. And I got these unpleasant erection when I am lying on the bed at night.

 

Recently the stress has gone even worse cause my head started to non-stop rewind my past experience to see if I ever have gay thoughts before. I realised there were three “gay” experience. The first two times were when I watched a tv show around 1-2 years ago. I saw a good looking male and I get this weird feeling(not aroused) which is almost the same as the feeling I got when I heard my co-worker’s joke which triggered me. Another experience is when I watch a straight porn and I get a erection when I see the guy’s penis. 

I am so scared that I am questioning my sexuality. And I keep telling me is it the reason why I haven’t had a girlfriend before. I am so tired and anxious which almost make me wanna die. I just want my old life back. I know deep down I’m still straight.

 

Past ocd/anxiety experience:

I have been socially anxious for years. 

My grandmother was diagnosed of cancer on June this year and I’ve been depressed during that time. I started to get pain in my body which I always thought it was cancer and I keep checking online about cancer symptoms and I went to see the doctors many times. After a months the pain and thought is gone.

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Re: HOCD and if it is or not

Hey there @GermanSushi 

 

Welcome to ReachOut! Thank you for being so courageous in coming here to open up about what you're going through. I can sense the anxiety and distress in your post and my heart goes out to you as you go through this difficult time Heart 

 

You mentioned feeling so down that you want to die. I just want to make sure that you are safe right now? If you ever feel at risk of hurting yourself you can call the suicide call back service - you can find their website here and they can be reached on 1300 659 467. They also have a webchat service if that would be better for you.  

 

It sounds like questioning your sexuality has been a really scary and confusing experience for you. It is for many people and I want you to know that there are other young people here that have experienced what you are going through. You are not alone Heart I think this would be something you could unpack with a counsellor/psychologist so that you can better understand HOCD. Do you think speaking to someone about this would be helpful? If so there's some information on how to access some support with OCD here

 

I want to let you know again just how brave you are for getting this off your chest. It's not easy to ask for help with someone that is scary for us. Whether you're suffering from HOCD or you are coming to terms with a new part of your sexuality - It's okay to be who you are and get support in your journey. Heart 

 

Also, just wanted to let you know I had to edit it some of your post as there was some content that was not inline with our community guidelines. When you have some time give them a read here

 

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Re: HOCD and if it is or not

Since Ive been 14 I had the feeling of being homosexual even I dont really feel like that or want it. Everytime I get one of those feeling I do self harm. If I would ever do any of those thoughts I would actually kill myself, thats 100% true. However I have never acted on the thoughts. I wish I didnt have any sexual thoughts at all. 
I do have OCD and have had it since Around 10 and it has just been the worst time of my life and I wish it could just disappear. I would take 2-3 hours shower and wash myself to the extreme, if I didnt I would become stressed out and have anxiety. Its the same now but with some few changes. But it haunts me everyday like a darkness inside of me that will never go away. I just wish I was a kid again.  

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Re: HOCD and if it is or not

Hi there Somedude123.


As someone who has struggled with thoughts like these in the past, I understand that they must be daunting and affecting you on a daily basis. I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety order after 3 years of suffering from what I thought was OCD, and I am in a much better place now after attending counselling sessions and receiving advice. Although I may not understand what you are truly going through and know that you may not be ready to receive help yet, I would highly recommend having a talk with your parents about how you are feeling (if they are receptive of course) and perhaps considering visiting a psychologist. It is the best thing I ever did and the help and support I received was phenomenal. I have faith in you Somedude123, and although it may not seem like it now, you will feel yourself again, no matter where this journey takes you. Never give up.

 

Sincerely and with warm regards,

Comerfordius🌻

 

 

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Re: HOCD and if it is or not

Hi @Somedude123 and welcome to ReachOut Smiley Happy

 

It takes a lot of courage to voice the thoughts and feelings you have been coping with, and we want you to know we can hear how much pain you are feeling. I hope that reading through this thread, and the support from @comerfordius, that you can feel that you aren't alone- others have also worked through the feelings you are having and have found a way forward with the help of their support networks. You are not alone Heart

 

Every person's journey of understanding and exploring their sexuality is unique, and it sounds like thoughts around questioning your sexuality or thoughts around sexuality generally have led to a lot of big feelings- at times feelings so big that the distress has brought up thoughts of suicide and self harm.

 

We really value your honesty and openness in sharing how painful these emotions are for you. Whether you are experiencing HOCD, or exploring your sexuality, these thoughts and feelings would be helpful to discuss with a professional who can support you to work through them, and manage in times when the pain is really high. 

 

You have also mentioned that you have been living with OCD for a number of years. What is your support system like at the moment? Do you have any people you draw on for support? (Professionals, family and friends)

 

It looks like you are joining our community from outside of Australia, and I want to make sure that you have some options for immediate help if you are ever feeling unsafe, or thinking about ending your life. We have this list of international services that might be able to offer you support during the tough time. I m just about to send you an email, so keep an eye on your inbox Heart

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