I have never felt comfortable talking about my feelings with anyone, i have had depression in the past. I do have anxiety which had been pretty severe lately. I had a meltdown last week to my boyfriend who had no idea i had been bottling everything up for the past few months. He urged me to talk about things so here i am talking.
I have insomnia from stress which is driving me crazy, i am always tired and it affects my concentration and driving sometimes. I stay up druring thenight when my mind cant stop, i try to meditate, have a hot shower, do some yoga, turn my phone off early, and nothing helps.
My anxiety makes me embarrassed in everyday situations. I feel a lot of shame when this happens. The doctor said anxiety is the reason for my insomnia and i need to go back onto antidepressants, but i hated being on them.
Its a new thing now that i have become so obsessed with my eating, in the way that i have so much guilt attached with the food i eat. I sometimes overeat, so usually i just dont eat to avoid this. In the last few months i have debeloped obsessive thoughts about what food i will eat next and its exhausting. Some of my friends and work mates have said i look real skinny. But i just feel so dissapointed in myself when i eat.
Ontop of this i realise I've become unnecessarily paranoid when i go to a shopping centre. Its so irrational and childish, but i hate when people see what im buying, and always think people are looking at me judging what ill buy and i hate it. I sound crazy, but its true.
The hardest thing is trying to justify why i feel like this. I have everything going for me, a lovely family, i love my uni, a wonderful boyfriend, nothing in my past that has caused me to feel unhappy with my life. Yet here i am, hating myself for hating myself.
Hey there @Sonny - massive welcome to the RO community! Well done for taking the brave step to talk about what's going on. I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. It's certainly not easy to reach out, but I'm really glad you did.
Sounds like things have been building up for quite a while - it makes sense that it all felt overwhelming when you did share with your boyfriend last night. How did it feel to tell him how you've been feeling?
Having anxiety and depression is really tough - and sadly it can happen to any one of us. It's awesome that you have so many good things going for you in your life - but it doesn't mean that your experience right now is any less valid, or worthy of getting support. You don't need to justify why you feel this way - sometimes the hardest thing is just learning to accept how we feel, and allow ourselves permission to feel it.
It's great you're linked in with a doctor - do you think you could speak to them about getting referred to see a psychologist or counselor? It might be really helpful for you to chat things through with someone, and work on coping strategies together.
Many others on this forum have been through really similar experiences. Let us know how you're going
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Thankyou so much for your reply.
I know it is meant to be good for us to talk about things, but i cannot help feeling embarrassed and ashamed.
Maybe a psychologist would be a good idea, i have seen one in the past.
Thanks for your helpful suggestions.
Welcome to the forums!!
I find it's a release to talk on here to other people, I hope typing out some of your thoughts here also helped you
I think @gina-RO's suggestion of speaking to a professional could be a good idea. I find sometimes that it's nice to talk to someone who is completely separate from my life and who I don't feel like I'm burdening. It sounds like you have a really supportive boyfriend though so that's really great!
Also, this may seem silly, but sometime when I can't sleep I listen to sleep meditation videos on youtube haha! They don't work every time but sometimes I find them useful because it makes my mind focus on what they're saying and stops me chasing thoughts all night.
A friend reccomened the videos for me, let me know if you try them and if they work at all for you!
I feel like you understand me. I know what you mean about burdening someone, that is one of the reasons i hate talking abouy it in the first place.
And i think professional strategies may be just need to cope!
I will try out the videos for sure, ive tried so many things, at this stage im willing to try anything!
Thank you for your comments!
Oh I'm glad my response related to you <3
It's honestly the best part of the forums, finding people who relate to you and realising how normal these struggles are!
I hope the videos help, I won't lie when you first listen to the they sound very silly
Hi @Sonny! Welcome to the ReachOut forums! I hope that you can find them helpful.
I'm sorry you've been experiencing depression and anxiety, as well as the new obsessive thoughts about food. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. I have struggled with similar issues and my heart goes out to you. You're not alone.
I just wanted to check in and ask how you were feeling today.
I really appreciate that message.
I had a talk to my mum on Monday night and in talking to her i explained my paranoia around going into a shopping centre, and also explained my annoyingly obsessive thoughts and guilt about food. She made the connection between food shops and food thoughts and asked me if i could possibly have an eating disorder.
Im not really sure what this means, but i didn't tell her that i have been taking laxatives when i eat alot and i have made myself vomit before. I have just an urge to do it, i don't want to feel so guilty about having food so i get it out of me.
Maybe i could have an eating disorder?
I don't know how to feel about it.
But today was spent mostly in my head. My mind is always going at a million miles an hour and im always exhausted. 😪😫
@Sonny I've heard a theory that similar types of thoughts are represented under their own 'hubs' and that thinking of one thing can trigger related thoughts. So that could explain the connection between the food stores and food thoughts. I think I'm kind of like that too. If I get anxious about something, I get anxious about related things too. I think it's a normal thing that people do.
I'm sorry you've been feeling so guilty about food. I have experienced similar thoughts and it can be really awful and exhausting. Have you spoken to a GP about you taking laxatives and making yourself sick? I think it would be a good idea because sometimes it can cause physical health problems.
The Butterfly Foundation also have a helpline run by counsellors. Contacting them could be an option if you need any questions answered or need some body image support. They might have some more helpful suggestions. ReachOut NextStep might also help you find some resources.
I hope you can feel better soon.
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