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Housemates...

Hi Guys,

 

I thought I'd come here to ask others' opinions on getting along in sharehousing. I think it's a challenge for everyone, but especially difficult when going through depression or anxiety.

 

What are your thoughts on when to "stick it out" or to look for a new place? 

 

I've been out of home for about 6 weeks, living with these two guys (a couple). There actually haven't been any issues and they are respectful, quiet etc. However, I'm just feeling more and more uncomfortable here. It's definitely their personalities that have started putting me more "on edge". I feel anxious most of the time and always look forward to either having the place to myself or a reason to go out.

 

As I said, they are very easy to live with. However, one is really bitchy and gossipy (about others) but quite fake on the outside. His partner is more down-to-earth but impossible to talk to (I've just given up asking questions to initiate conversation) and although quiet, seems to be pretty bitchy himself.

 

I'm gay myself so that's not an issue (although I do feel like a third wheel at times). I also suffer from social anxiety so I thought it might be good to get another perspective on whether it's just my issues that are making me uncomfortable or whether looking to move elsewhere is justified.

 

Any suggestions? Especially if you have ideas on how to "vet" any new potential housemates should I move.

Re: Housemates...

Hi @nikko , I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time with your housemates. Dealing with people who you don't know very well can be hard enough without the added stress of mental illness, so well done for staying strong through this sitaution so far.

I find that in situations where I'm dealing with having to share a communal space with others what really helps me to destress is having my own person, relaxing space to retreat back into. Is there anywhere in your house that you feel you could make into that sort of a space, like your bedroom or a study?

On top of that, it would be good to have a few other strategies on hand to help yourself feel calmer at home. Here's a factsheet that you could use as a starting point to develop some strategies http://au.reachout.com/Stress-strategies .

 

From what you've said in you post, it doesn't sound like communication between you and your current housemates is particularly open. Maybe it might also help out to try having a chat to them about how you've been feeling and work together to solve the problem?

 

I hope things start getting better Smiley Happy

Re: Housemates...

Hey nikko,

Some of us are just not cut out to have roomies. I know I'm not. I prefer to live on my own (or with a partner) than to share. I don't feel 100% comfortable or like I'm 'home' if I'm sharing.

Nothing wrong with that - however it does put a strain on the finances some! Have a think about if the situation would be different with different roomies, or if you can find a place on your own that's affordable. Otherwise you might consider talking to someone about how better to cope with your social anxiety so that you can stay in your current situation.

Best of luck!!

JD.

Re: Housemates...

Hey    @nikko ,

 

I havn't lived with anyone else but my partner, but I can imagine sharing a house with others could be quite difficult at times.
I suppose my words of advice would be to think of something that could make this place your home, space for yourself to chill out alone, personalise the place a bit more to represent you, even rearranging something to suit you.

Sometimes it can take a while for a place to really become your home and to settle yourself in.
What would be one thing that you really enjoy about being at home that you could bring into this new place to make it feel more "homely"? If that makes sense?

For me when I first moved out of home, was to hang more pictures of my family and place some ornaments/items around the house (owls, cushions, snuggle blanket for the couch, smelly candles) to make me feel more comfortable and relaxed in my new environment.
I know moving out can be daunting and uncharted terriorty, but if you hang in long enough, the place can grown on you.

Maybe right down some pro's and con's about where you are living, and some about moving again to help yourself decide on what to do next.

I hope this helped.
 

" Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!"
Highlighted

Re: Housemates...

Hi @nikko

Thank you for posting,

From my experience sharing a house with others, the uncomfortableness gets better with time, but the feeling of awkwardness still sometimes occurs. It sounds like it isn't an extremely horrible place to live at, but one option to change that could be, if you could potentially get a few of your friends together and rent a place?

I’ve also found sticking to yourself, and doing your own thing works well, but still communicating and interacting around the house and so forth. Looking at other options isn't a bad option, but would you be worse off?

I’ve attached a few links that I believe you may get something out of;

http://au.reachout.com/How-to-manage-anxiety
http://au.reachout.com/How-to-build-self-confidence

I look forward reading your next post.
Take care Nikko.

Re: Housemates...

Thanks for the suggestions Smiley Happy

 

@Jay-Dee I do feel that way sometimes, just not being suited to sharehousing. But yeah, I worry about money a lot (I've taken a full-time job, even though I'm still at uni because of the money thing) and don't know if I could manage fully paying rent etc. on my own.

 

Having said that, I have started to consider getting my own place then advertising for housemates, so I can pick who I want to live with Smiley Tongue

 

I've got my room but I've got a bit of a thing about spending too much time in there. I pretty much did that for a good 3 or so years when I was going through an extraordinarily difficult period of my life and would hate to get back into that habit. I'm trying to look at it as exposure that I'll eventually get used to, but that still hasn't happened quite yet.

 

I think the biggest issue is that it's not so much a share house than it is me living in their house. Has anyone else lived with a couple? 

Re: Housemates...

Hey @nikko I've never lived with a couple but I've moved into a sharehouse that my other housemates had already been living in for ages so I definitely get that feeling of it being 'their' house. It fades a bit over time as you settle in but I never really did end up feeling comfortable hanging in the lounge room. Have you had a housewarming party or invited your friends over for dinner yet? That might help you feel a bit more integrated!