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I think I might be a lesbian?

I was wondering if I could get some advice from people on here - you're all so great and wise, and there's not many people I can ask irl right now, although I tried out the QLife helpline it wasn't very helpful. 

 

As a lot of you probably know I've identified as genderqueer/non binary/trans for a good long while (now I think of it, that's what first brought me to this forum actually!). 

 

For the last couple of years I've also identified as bisexual, and before that as asexual. Recently, after thinking a lot and learning more about compulsory heterosexuality I've kinda realised that I'm pretty much only attracted to women. I think. I mean I fall in love with girls far too often, I'm physically attracted to women, when I picture my future I want it to be with a female partner/s. When I like guys, it's either because I want to look like them, in a platonic way, or because they have 'authority' and I've been taught that male approval = winning. Like I question a lot whether I actually like girls or if I'm just making it up to be trendy, but like one time my (girl) crush touched my arm and I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing, as opposed to the time a guy 'friend' hugged me and I felt physically unwell so. 

 

I think I really...want...to call myself a lesbian. I know it's a big label that carries a lot of history but I'm making an effort to learn about that history. 

 

I guess that my main problem with all this is family. I have a close relative who identifies as a lesbian, and I don't want to appropriate that term I guess or take anything away from her. And my mum had a really tough time accepting I was non binary, plus she's been very derogatory recently in a conversation we had about labels like queer and genderqueer and I just don't know what her reaction will be. 

 

A friend advised that I just see what happens and try not to put labels on it, which I think is very good advice, just difficult to follow. I don't know. If I use a male name, neutral pronouns, and the women's bathrooms, what does that make me? 

 

Thanks for listening to me ramble ramble and rant. If anyone has advice or input I would appreciate it so so much. 

 

Re: I think I might be a lesbian?

Hey @DruidChild, and thank you for posting this - I'm sure it will resonate and be super helpful for others on the forums who have similar questions.

Unfortunately I don't have much knowledge/experience in this area, but I can tell that you've started doing your research and are already quite knowledgeable about it.

I know that fiction isn't always the most reliable source of information, but have you read many books with LGBT characters? I'd be happy to suggest some Smiley Happy

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: I think I might be a lesbian?

Hello @DruidChild Wow you're doing a lot of self-exploration. An incredible well done to you Smiley Happy These are reflective questions that will no doubt result in a weight off your shoulder as you head towards further self discovery.

 

I tend to find all sexuality is on a spectrum, and we get far too attached to labels. Labels can be great because they help us identify where we comfortably belong within society, but remember labels are created for the ease of society and there's no rush - this is your journey. If you identify as a butch lesbian that is a beautiful thing! And totally your identity to embrace when/if you are ready. I am sorry to hear about your Mum, is this a prominent concern along the way?

 

For me I would consider myself a femme lesbian, and I do understand the need to meet more people like yourself, like minded individuals who you feel you can relate, this is a pretty reasonable desire. I know some friends use Aus based dating apps to make friends within their sexuality - have you considered this? Being mindful of safety of course. There's also meet-up groups, again exercise safety when using the web to make friends Heart.

I want to get a lot of perspectives on this, not just my own so will tag some other members.

 

@redhead @scared01 @Asche @FootyFan26 @letitgo

Re: I think I might be a lesbian?

You beat me to the tag! @letitgo So proactive Smiley Happy You guys are awesome.

Re: I think I might be a lesbian?

Thanks @letitgo! Books can be great, can't they? I actually just finished reading this amazing amazing novel called Stone Butch Blues, about being gay in NYC in the...60s, I think? By a writer called Leslie Feinberg. I started crying on the third page haha. And my favourite ever book is called Lighthousekeeping and one of the major plots is a love story between two women! I've also got The Price of Salt and Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets of The Universe waiting for me to read Smiley Happy That said, I would still love to hear your recommendations! 

 

Thank you @Bree-RO. A side effect of anxiety is that you overthink everything and end up with long treatises on every aspect of your existence hahaha. 

Yes, I agree with the spectrum thing! Like it's important to me that I have words for myself but also to me it's more important that my actions and the way I am in the world reflects who I am. Idk about my mum - I don't think that she'll understand or accept this, or how complicated it feels to me. I don't know how to feel about that. 

Oh gosh I am ridiculously excited that you're a lesbian, I didn't realise that. Those are both good ideas that I will check out, thank you! I'm lucky enough to know a few other people who are queer; I guess I was more concerned that because most of what I know about being a lesbian comes from online sources that it doesn't count or might be problematic. 

 

Re: I think I might be a lesbian?

@DruidChild Yes I hear where you're coming from. Kind of feeling like is the online world giving you a decent perspective of what constitutes "lesbian"? I think for many of us it's reading a book, watching a movie or going online where something *clicks*. On the book subject there's a good one I read recently around this called Whatever...Love is Love - Maria Bello Smiley Happy You might enjoy.

 

We're here to support you through the Mum stuff, that's a tough one Heart. My Nan still struggles but tough luck Nan! Sometimes you have to gently encourage them to open their minds, but also respect the generational lack of perspective from their shoes. You're doing so well, we're all proud of you!

Re: I think I might be a lesbian?

Hey @DruidChild! Unlike @Bree-RO, I’m straight and not very knowledgeable in this subject although. I just wanted to say regarding you not wanting to take anything away from your close relative, if you’re not aiming at taking anything away from them then I don’t think that you exploring yourself should be stopped because of that. Would you be able to ask them about any of this at all?

Re: I think I might be a lesbian?

hi @DruidChild i myself identify as Bi but havent 'come out' yet as i am still in the exploring stage too.. i would say that dont label yourself and really just be you. if you like women then that is up to you. you might like both. it really is all about exlporing i think. i mean if you get into a relationship with another girl/woman and you feel uncomfortable then maybe you are just physically attracted to them and their looks. i think the most important thing is to be open with yourself, dont deny your own feeling and jsut go with the flow. since you know of a lesbian maybe you can have a chat to her and just see what she says.... i mean we are all here and ready to support you of course but sometimes a chat in rl with someone who has experience as well could give you more perspective 

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**

Re: I think I might be a lesbian?

Hey there @DruidChild Smiley Very Happy

 

I don't know if you've seen this playlist before, but I found it really helpful when not only figuring out my own labels, but also just learning about other people's. Also here's an article about sexuality re: genderqueer folk.

 

To me it sounds like there are a bunch of barriers such as your family keeping you from feeling like you can explore or consider this identity, is that right? Do you see any ways around that?

 

I definitely relate to what you said about feeling like a lost generation of queer kids. Unlike other cultures, we don't have elders to go to or anything like that. Just gotta figure it out by ourselves :/

Re: I think I might be a lesbian?

@FootyFan26 Thank you so much for your reply - everyone's input is valuable, lesbian or not ^__^ I don't know if talking to my relative is an option right now, but maybe with enough planning and thought put into it it could be. Thanks again! 

 

@scared01 Thank you for replying - I know it's taking extra energy right now, I hope you're doing okay. I do definitely know that I love women, that's really only the one thing I'm sure of. Thanks for the advice!! 

 

@roseisnotaplant ooh that youtuber is great and the article is very informative!! Thank you so much!! Smiley Very Happy Yeah family is a huge barrier right now; that and cost, because I can't really get out of the house or change the way I present right now. I guess time is going to be the best solution for both those barriers tbh. Thanks again!