Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Keeping Secrets From Your Loved Ones

Hello. I'm new to this, so please excuse me if I do this wrong, but I just needed somewhere to talk about my issues without the weight of judgement influencing what I say.


Anyway, for a while now, about six months, I have been in a relationship with a boy. He's very sweet. But... he doesn't know I'm non-binary. Nobody except for this sweet girl who catches my bus knows. It's not like my gender identity influences my life extremely, I just want to be called they/them pronouns. In a world that seems so non accepting though, coming out is a struggle that persists with me. Most of the people I'm surrounded by aren't bad people, but they believe in the binary construct. They talk about gender identity as if those who stray from what the 'norm' is are mentally ill. As if some use gender identity as an escape. I've tried coming out before to my family, the only response being "What if I want a daughter though?" and "What am I supposed to call you than? It?". So, I went back into the metaphorical closet and pretended that my "phase" was over. But I feel guilt stir in me, as I struggle to speak the truth, if not to my family, at least to my boyfriend. But I worry he won't accept me, like nearly everyone else before him. And... I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want hide stuff from him. Should I try harder to open up or just dismiss the idea?


Thanks for reading! I know this was a mouthful, but it just feels nice to talk about this. If you have any advice, that'd be great... though I have no idea how this forum works. Have a good morning/day/evening/night.


Re: Keeping Secrets From Your Loved Ones

Hey @IWishForTheVoid 

Welcome to the forums Smiley Happy 

In terms of secrets, I always look at the bigger picture like will they hurt people if I keep them in? In the future will I regret not telling people? Will keeping this secret cause me any pain short or long term?

What about bringing up casually with your boyfriend? Not mentioning you personally but maybe mention any celebrities that are non-binary that you admire or just say something like "the topic of gender has been brought up a lot lately what are your thoughts on it?" and just see how he reacts. Then slowly build up to letting him know, dropping a few hints and having him slowly warm up to it.  Being non-binary doesn't change who you are and if he really likes you he will accept you for who you are, if he doesn't then he doesn't deserve you.

In terms of your family, maybe try and get them to read articles about non-binary (and maybe show them documentaries or shows with non-binary characters) and what it really means. It's no doubt a shock to them but you need to help them realise that it doesn't change who you are and they still have a daughter just someone who prefers different pronouns and doesn't identify with either gender. 

All best with your decisions and hopefully I have helped Smiley Happy I'm also going to tag some other mods for their input @Bee @lokifish @N1ghtW1ng @Asche @RevzZ

Whatever it takes I know I can make it through!

Re: Keeping Secrets From Your Loved Ones

Hey @IWishForTheVoid,
I'm so sorry your family hasn't been supportive of your gender identity. It's beyond rough when people you care about dismiss or belittle important parts of who you are, particularly if they try to throw in a bit of a guilt trip while they're at it. But even if your family doesn't want to acknowledge your identity, it doesn't change who you are!
You mentioned knowing a really nice girl who knows that you're non-binary, do you know if she's someone you could reach out to for support? Heart

We had a live chat on Accessing Mental Health Support Online! Smiley Very Happy Check it out here! Heart