Life is getting harder

[okokok]

As I get older I find myself daydreaming of the activities I enjoyed as a kid more and more often, wishing and begging that I could go back to that stage. Time really does go by fast, in the blink of an eye I went from playing with dolls to sitting here in school (year 11) and stressing about the fact that I have to work tomorrow and on the weekend. The worst part is that when compared to others my life seems so unproblematic and easy, so I am constantly questioning why it's almost impossible to get up in every morning. Why can't I get up? Why can't I bring myself to start my school assignments? Why is the only thing I can ever find myself doing is laying in my bed scrolling through my phone, avoiding family and the few friends that I do have? One of the horrible things about subconsciously knowing you have depression is trying to find people that understand that you have it, and ending up unsuccessful. I tried opening up to a few of my family members about this but there views on things like this make it hard to actually confess what's happening to me. I got told that it wasn't depression, it was just me being lazy. It hurt to hear but I believed it, I went along with the idea that me being unable to cope with life was just because I wasn't trying to fix it. As of now I know that that is exactly what depression is; not trying, giving up, feeling hopeless. It's funny that I know so much about this topic but still when it comes to trying to fix it I can't do it. I am stuck in a loop and I don't see myself getting out. 

[Janine-RO]

Hi @okokok , 

Sorry- I just realised I also just responded to another post you made so I'm sorry if I repeat myself here! First off, I'd say it's really important to be gentle with yourself, you've just experienced a really massive loss, and grief can be a pretty long and windy road. 

I think a lot of people in this community will also really resonate with having family and friends who don't really understand depression, unfortunately there's still heaps of stigma about talking about mental health and it means that it can be really hard to open up about what's happening, especially if you have people saying that you're just being lazy. Depression is very real, and the exhaustion and lack of motivation that can come along with it can be so hard to explain to someone who's never experienced it themselves. 

It sounds like you've gained heaps of insight about what depression is, which is amazing - sometimes it can be really, really hard to take the next steps and seek help. Like you've said, that cycle of feeling bad - not being able to do anything - feeling bad because you can't fix things is so frustrating and disheartening .

Have you ever chatted to a psychologist or a counsellor before? Headspace can be a great place to start- they have centres over Australia and also have online services, where you can talk to a counsellor or psychologist. There's also a heap of really great, evidence based tips here for strategies you can try by yourself to help with depression  It can sometimes feel super overwhelming to have a massive list of things to try when you're already feeling crap, so set really small goals - even doing something for 5 minutes is a big and important step  

[okokok]

Hi again @Janine-RO,

I just realized you replied to this post as well, I'm still shocked someone even bothered to reply and help me I'm very appreciative of it, 

As for counselling I did attend headspace a few years ago for an unrelated topic and I didn't enjoy that experience but I think its because I was a lot younger and didn't fully understand the idea of psychologists and counselling. I do realize that I have been a bit unfair with myself as I understand three months is not a long time considering my mum's passing away, I will be more considerate with myself from now on.

I've been a little hesitant but I am willing to receive help for this but I think this time I am going to do online counselling as it would be easier and more convenient for me. 

Again thank you for reaching out to me <3

[Bingo1234]

Hi @okokok, it sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time at the moment. I’m so sorry to hear that your family members haven’t been all that supportive. Unfortunately a lot of people still don’t understand that mental health problems are very real and can be all consuming. I often find that people from older generations find it especially hard to understand mental health as these issues were often discredited when they were younger. I’m so sorry that people have labelled you as being lazy rather than recognising that you’re struggling at the moment. Everyone here on the forums can recognise your struggle and just know that we’re all here to support you. Have you tried speaking to any of your friends about how you’re feeling? Do you think that they would understand?

[okokok]

Hey @Bingo1234,

I'm so relieved people on this sight truly understand that there are stupid stigmas around depression and other mental health problems, thank you for understanding what I am going through. Unfortunately I only have a small amount of people I do consider my friends at the moment, with all the the things I have been going through lately I have had some trouble staying in touch with friends and sadly loosing some friends but that is something I have recognized I need to work on. I know opening up to a friend would most likely be really helpful but I've just been so scared to actually try considering I always joked about depression with my friends as a way to hide the fact that I have actually been stuck in a rough patch lately. I think I am going to try and talk to my best friend about it and just see how that goes although I am a bit hesitant to due so, I believe she is caring enough to talk with me. 

Thank you for replying.

[MaryRO]

Hey @okokok,

Indeed, the idea of counselling at an older age allows for a different perspective.  Yes, three months may be a very short time to grieve your mother's passing.  For many people a parent is a child's biggest hero, regardless of how old they are.  It can take a while to grieve the loss of a hero, particularly one who has done so much throughout one’s life.  It’s a process that usually takes a bit of time to recover from.

It can be hard for people to know how to act when their friends' parents pass.  It may not be that you are losing them, it may be that they are wanting to give you some space because they may not know how to help you during this time.  To ease your reluctance, it may help to concentrate on discussing your feelings with your best, rather than place labels on yourself, such as depressed.  If it helps you to identify as depressed, then by all means use that wording.  Use whatever language is comfortable for you and allow yourself to go at your own pace.  Try to be gentle and take easy steps.