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Mental health, meeting people and 'dating'..

Hey guys,

I just thought I'd start a new thread cause this is something I find extremely difficult and don't really like talking about so thought I'd see if I might be able to connect with others who share similar thoughts and feelings when it comes to meeting new people and 'dating'. 

 

Basically some random guy at uni walked up and gave me their number the other day and I don't do well with people being potentially interested in me. It just freaks me the hell out. I wouldn't be interested in me so why the hell would anyone else?!?! IT'S SO GODDAM WEIRD!!! 

 

Anyway. I freaked but I also was so scared to not reply because I didn't want him to think I was rude and then to run into him randomly. So long story short, I kinda gave him my number cause I felt bad not giving it to him? Cause it woulda taken alot of courage to do what he did, like I sure as shit wouldn't have that guts! 

 

He does seem nice I guess but idk. I just don't like this sorta stuff. It sends my anxiety through the roof and then just triggers other shit and never ends well. I just wanted to post here cause he just messsged me asking if I want to meet up one day next week? And now I'm shitting bricks and don't know how to respond except by deleting his number and trying to disappear. It's so pathetic and I just wish I could be mature about this but it makes me sick. 

 

Does anyone else ever feel like this? I just know it won't go anywhere because I'm so mentally fucked up so feel like there is no point but also feel bad for him and don't want to come across as mean. Idk. Any advice with what I should do? I'm terrified to reply but also feel terrible leaving him hanging..?

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Re: Mental health, meeting people and 'dating'..

Hey @MB95 

It sounds really difficult to deal with that and I totally understand! It's like you don't wanna put your anxiety through the roof but you don't wanna disappoint them either! Such a tough situation but I found that chatting to them and telling them that I'm not ready to meet up yet (not even going into detail about why) made me feel better. But also remember that you don't have to do anything that you aren't comfortable with! Your mental health always comes first. Heart

 

Have you considered talking to someone about this feeling too? This might be helpful as well or even other coping strategies to reduce anxious feelings, such as meditation or self-care. Smiley Happy 

 

 

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Re: Mental health, meeting people and 'dating'..

Thanks @sunnygirl606

It's rediculous. It feels like my anxiety gets in the way so much with everything but I really hate letting people down or upsetting them so then I just end up hating myself even more for not being able to be normal. I just feel like crap. I want to reply cause it's making me feel terrible cause I'm sure he is probably sitting there just as anxious about what I am going to say and it's not fair I make him wait but I can't bring myself to do it. I just feel so sick and wish he'd never messsged in the first place.. would be so much easier! 

 

And yeah, my psych and I spoke about it yesterday but I stupidly didn't ask her what to do if he wanted to actually meet up!!! 

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Re: Mental health, meeting people and 'dating'..

Yes, it is difficult to deal with and maybe that is something you could bring up next time you see your psychologist?

 

I find when i'm feeling uneasy is to do something that helps to decrease this feeling such as colouring or doing some other crafty things, maybe this might help you to feel better at the moment? 

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Re: Mental health, meeting people and 'dating'..

Hey @MB95 

 

I'm quite busy tonight (with moderating stuff), but I just wanted to post and tell you a lot of what you're saying really resonates with me. I recall doing similar things. Like, once I remember I wanted to end things with this guy, and I felt soooo bad, that when I finally texted him and told him, I actually felt physically unwell waiting for a reply, and then I wouldn't check my phone for ages because I'd be too scared to read the reply. I think it's because we're sensitive people, which can be both good and bad. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in feeling this way. So you aren't pathetic!! And these sorts of things do get easier with practice (not just dumping people [haha sounds weird to practice that - I probably should have used the word "experience"], but engaging with dating altogether)!

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Re: Mental health, meeting people and 'dating'..

Hey @MB95, I would say do what your gut is telling you? If you don't want to meet up with him then you could say "Sorry if I gave you the wrong idea but I'm not really feeling up to it because I've got stuff going on/I'm really busy. All the best." What do you think?
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Re: Mental health, meeting people and 'dating'..

This resonates with me somewhat too! I've definitely been in my share of situations that I didn't really want to be in because I was reluctant to say no. And plenty of situations where I've done the equivalent of throwing a smoke bomb at my feet and then disappearing from sight in that instant. I'm glad to say I'm doing better on that front now (and I'm definitely still figuring it out too), it really does mostly just take experience. Don't worry about this guy honestly, I mean you barely know him right? It's important to do right by yourself first and foremost. Sometimes you might get unpleasant feelings after doing so, but talk about them with someone who's there to support you and you'll be okay. We're all here whatever happens, for instance Smiley Happy

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Re: Mental health, meeting people and 'dating'..

Hey @MB95  

I completely hear you, in fact I was having a hard time with a similar sort of thing. I think a little while ago now a guy messaged me over email and I responded just to be friendly. It sort of started there and we were in a relationship for a while. I got super anxious too, because I was new to this entire thing and didn’t know what to do and what not to do. After a little while tho, what really helped was understanding what I needEd at that time. It definitely wasn’t a relationship, especially as it stressed me out unnecessarily. 

Being up front with others is really difficult, I know. I actually struggled for months trying to find the words to just leave it, because he genuinely is a super nice person to be around. But I built up the confidence slowly..but gradually and toLd him that I needed some space and I wasn’t in the right mindset to be in a relationship right now. 

I believe that you need to do what’s best for you, @MB95. If this is causing stress, I think it’s okay to let him know that and let him know that you just need a little bit of time right now. What do you think? 

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Re: Mental health, meeting people and 'dating'..

Hey @MB95 , I can see that there's so many people here who can relate! I think it's totally okay to put yourself first in situations like this- it's lovely that you're being considerate of his feelings, but if you're genuinely not interested it's fine to say that you're too busy with work/ uni/ you're flattered but not really looking for anything at the moment/ whatever. How are you feeling about it today? 

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Re: Mental health, meeting people and 'dating'..

Hi, @MB95 I can understand. I have been on both sides of this situation. I can say from my experience of a guy leading me on because he didn't want to hurt me was much more painful to find because I had already fallen for him. So I hope that understanding it will hurt more once feelings become more serious gives some comfort in telling the guy how you feel or that you don't think you are feeling up to a meetup or a dating and don't want to lead him on if this is what your gut is telling you.