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New to this, feelings.

So I am new here (and oh my its amazing to be able to read and relate to so many things - I'm so grateful for this site haha)

I just kind of want to 'vent' about my troubles and I guess I'm also hoping that someone can find the answers that I am looking for and share them with me Smiley Happy

My whole life I have kind lived a sugar-coated version of myself. I have always tried to meet peoples expectations and interests just so I could fit in. From primary school I was the target to most kids. Little things were always taken from me, I'd be excluded from games and I just would honestly prefer to sit alone and read a good book (I am still guilty of doing that)

Now that I am in Year 11, I have become so much more aware of what happened to me as a innocent child. I was bullied both verbally, physically and many things have been said to me over the internet in more recent times. I've always had huge mood swings - ever since I can remember. But when I made the daunting transition into secondary school they started to become worse. I was trying to create a new version of myself. I was in the 'popular' group only because I made up some sad story on how I knew this girl everyone aspired to be like. I said that she lived in the same street as me (how stupid/lame is that?) Soon enough everyone kind of just decided that they didn't really like me because I was 'an annoying, try hard little girl who didn't know how to do her hair, had no boobs and was bad a netball'. I still kept hanging around, until the day when those horrible girls said something to my sister and it kind of just tore my whole world apart.

In yr 8, I decided to be myself. The dorky little kid who failed math, had panic attacks every second hour, loved to read and had an awful relationship with her parents. I soon found myself a friend. I REAL FRIEND ACTUALLY LIKED ME FOR WHO I WAS. Anyway, I didn't know she was also fighting an uphill battle that involved mixes of anti-depressants and therapy every week. I guess we both kept that to ourselves. She then proceeded to jump in front of a train.

Then I realized that what was happening to me was real. I started to think of ways to end my life and different techniques to deal with the pain, until soon enough I too ended up sitting in front of a psychologist. Its been a windy, uphill road, but I am getting better.

I then found this teacher. She taught me health and I had had her since year, so she knew that I didn't really have many friends. I then started talking to her over coffee at school for a whole year. Every Wednesday at 1.30 in the school cafe. That's what we did, I'd just blurt out all of my problems and she would somehow fix them. It was so good for me.

Anyway, my relationship with her crumbled when I started school again this year. She doesn't even look at me or say hello to me anymore, and that really hurts me. I have though about emailing her and asking her if she wants to have another coffee date, but if she really wanted too, she would have made the effort I guess.

Now my group of friends have stared to drift away from me, no one really likes talking to me or includes me in conversation. I am once again left sitting alone at recess and lunch doing school work. It good to a point, I just wish I had someone here to lean on. If I had that, I think it would make everything easier. Everyone needs one person. I just hope I find one.

Thanks for the rant guys! Hope you all had / having a fantastic day Heart

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Re: New to this, feelings.

Smiley Happy chin up your beautiful and smart and Intelligent in your own way. Dont worry about the past (thats why its called that) so it stays there. What i learned is if you drag on and drag on about what happend in the past it slowly becomes - Your Future - without you even noticing because your so caught up and hurt over things that happend back then , that they start to re appear  now. && sweatie thats the last thing you want. Just be yourself & 1 day (those popular girls) wont be so "popular" its just little phases that you go through when your a teen so your probly thinking what does this girl know,

Well i was picked on in primary school not for my looks or how skinny i was, but from this 1 girls mother working at the canteen she somehow had overall on me, her mother ended up slappin me on our yr 7 graduation party, all out of jealousy, i would beat her daughter in races and they must of felt abit of competition & didnt like it.

High school came && just as my luck the girl who bullied me all through primary school was the only girl who attented the same high school i went to but this time THE TABLES HAD TURNED && i felt like it was my turn to give her a taste of her  own medicine - I was the most popularest girl in my year, all the boys loved me and she was PURE NERD (no friends- fashion sence was horrible ), but it made me feel better for like few months but i look back & see " I ACTED LIKE ME - like how i would at home & EVERYONE ADORED ME '' - I now couldn't care less never had a problem with her again. 
 So dont worry princess your time will come 
Just BE YOURSELF - SELF PRIDE - Never Bow down to those who are Lower then you as you are so much better then them that in sneaky ways they try to bring u down to their level.


Be CONFIDENT Be PROUD && Remember Your never alone Smiley Happy 
if you ever just need to l"LET ITALL OUT" ring a hotline or type it all up on here. 
Never hold your emotions in, your voice/opinions deserves to get  HEARD & im listening if u ever neeed someone Smiley Happy i hope this helps some how. xxx 

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Re: New to this, feelings.

Oh wow, i honestly dont even know what to say!

This is so nice of you to:

1) take time and read the whole thing

2) actually acknowledge it

3) respond to it

Thank you so much for your beautifully kind words. It means a lot.

Thanks again you loveley little ray of sunlight Smiley Happy xxx

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Re: New to this, feelings.

Hey, welcome to the forums! Smiley Happy

 

First of all I think it's really brave of you to post your story on here - I know from personal experience how tough it can be. It's also great to hear that you like the site Smiley Happy

 

I'm sorry to hear about your friend - I can't imagine how tough that would be to deal with something like that. Smiley Sad I'm in Year 11 too and had the same issue last year of spending recess and lunchtime alone doing schoolwork due to lack of friendships. As it turns out I ended up changing schools and that helped solved the problem for me, but obviously everyone's situation is different. Is there any particular reason why your friends/teacher haven't been interested in spending time with you like an argument, or your teacher's just been swamped with work to do? It's totally up to you, but seeming as though the chats with her were a real positive for you it might be worth emailing and letting her know you're keen to have another coffee date. Also, if you haven't already you might want to check out some of the articles on friendships here. Do you have any friends outside of school you could spend time with?

 

Anyway, hope that helps a little. Feel free to vent whenever you need to on here, and hopefully we'll see you around more Smiley Happy

 

Lokifish.

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No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish
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Re: New to this, feelings.

Hey Lokifish!

 

There is no reason that i am aware of. I know that she is studying at uni again twice a week, so she is not here on wednesdays, but i just thought that maybe she would have made some kind of 'effort' to check up on me - but i am aware that that doesnt happen. I'm just being silly...

I have a lot of friends i guess, but no one that is really close to me. they are more like acquaintences. They are girls in my netball team and from work and what not! I still enjoy being in company of people that dont really know me or my past, so they cant make judgements i guess.

Thank you very much! I really appreaciate your help Smiley Happy