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No Sexual Urges

Has anyone gone through this??


I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. I have been struggling to find the urge to want to have sex the last year and i don't know why? I am so in love with him we have the best connection and relationship but when it comes to sex my head just hasn't been there. It feels like a snowball effect cause he is frustrated sexually and im frustrated cause i don't know why i don't have these natural urges? Is there something wrong with me? 

Re: No Sexual Urges

Hey @TANDT Smiley Happy First off- there is nothing wrong with you! Although I haven't personally experienced this, I've heard of similar experiences


Have you thought much about your sexuality before? I know a person can be asexual, which means a lack of sexual attraction. Ultimately, choosing to identify with a label at all is a personal preference, but if your curious you could always check out ReachOut's general support page about questioning your sexuality and/or gender


There could also be a number of other reasons why you're experiencing this lack of sexual urges. But I know many users on the forums experience a similar thing so hopefully they can offer you with some more support Smiley Happy

Re: No Sexual Urges

@TANDT  sorry to hear about unwanted changes in your sex drive! It can be hard when we want to please our partner but aren't able to organically, or we are 'out of sync' with them. Keeping an open dialogue is really important, and trying out some practical solutions may be a good idea too. Maybe see a GP to rule out any bodily issues, or try using things to help you relax and prepare for intimacy, or address any stresses in your life that maybe are interrupting your urges on a subconsciously?

Re: No Sexual Urges

Hi @TANDT im sorry to hear your worries about your sexual desires and no, nothing is wrong with you at all. I know @lost_Space_Explorer5 mentioned asexuality but I kind of wanted to share something different.

ive recently been trying to come to terms with similar issues ive been having. ive been with my boyfriend for over a year and have just found I have zero desire for anything sexual. I have so much love for him but im starting to think maybe im just not IN love with him and thats translating to not wanting to have sex. Have you considered that even though you love your partner and have an amazing connection, maybe its just not a sexual connection? just some food for thought

Re: No Sexual Urges

Hi @TANDT, I agree with @Tay100, I think you should see a GP or psychologist first to check whether there are any body issues or psychological issues (or even the sexuality) you did not recognise. Or maybe you have undesirable sex experience before and that makes you have no sexual urges? If that is the case, maybe trying something new to find the way that arises your sexual urges

Re: No Sexual Urges

Hey! Sorry for the late post. I came across a book by Emily Nagoski called Come as you are. It does a great job explaining how there are accelerators and brakes in arousal etc. and everybody has a different degree of accelerators and brakes.


I think what you're going through is normal and may be more common than you think. I definitely feel like that at times. Just to summarise from the book, some people are more sensitive to things that inhibit arousal e.g. stress, being busy in general or just the wrong mood (this counts as the brakes to your sexual desires). Thus, if you work out what can help you relax, it'll act as an accelerator and give it time. Your body may be a little more sensitive Smiley Happy which is completely fine



Re: No Sexual Urges

Hi @TANDT , thanks for sharing. I am actually went through a similar thing for a few months of this year. I kept wondering what was wrong with me. I love my boyfriend so much but I just didn't feel like having sex for a while. For me this lack of sexual urge was due to many things;  medical reasons, painful intercourse in the past, changes in mood/ stress throughout covid and more. I opened up to my partner and we talked about it for ages. He was super understanding and supportive, so we just didn't have sex for a while.


For me this was a phase and now I am beginning to want to have sex more again. I went to see a doctor to help with my medical problem, which is improving. I have also worked on my mental health and have found that this has really impacted my sex drive.


You are definitely not alone with this, as I know other people who have experienced the same thing as well Smiley Happy



Re: No Sexual Urges

Thats a really cool way of explaining it @wanderingwasp ! And you're right that it's completely normal to go through periods of not feeling sexual arousal - particularly when you're stressed, and lets face it 2020 has not been the chillest year. Thanks for sharing your experience @mol1912, awesome to hear that you were able to get the support you deserve and that you found things that work for you Heart

I also just wanted to share a cool resource that could be helpful for some users, PlaySafe is an online space for young people run by NSW Health. PlaySafe has a forum similar to ours that is specifically for sexual health, as well as quizzes, lots of great info and fact sheets, and Nurse Nettie, who can answer Qs related to sexual health.