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Overcoming challenges : seeing a positive solution

Hi Reachout , 

 

I realized my parents aren't supportive of me being Australian or being around fun in general. 

 

I reckon they push their worries towards me whether it be news political matters , their poor relationship skills or their worries ( internal family things they rather not share ). 

 

E.G my dad reads his politics frequently and mum does the same.

 

I feel like emotionally I'm working for them and I don't feel appreciated for being there for them.  This led to burnout physical and mentally too.

 

Socially in Australia, I don't find my parents helpful nor acknowledged my accomplishments.

 

I'm feeling my parents are supportive financially speaking but it feels like this relationship is one way.

 

My sister and my mum and dad do at times make me feel inadequate. 

 

Also while I was gone in Australia, my mum had caused my sister's to be emotionally depressed via an emotional rampage and my dad wasn't adequate to calm this matter down. Right now the house has a passive aggressive feel to it.

 

E.g. reminding me how expensive living cost is in Australia. Or doubting whether I'm likable to an Australian palette. 

 

Also my environment I was brought up in a competitive Asian one I was led to believe these material things like a house and getting the best academic recognition we're the most important things. 

 

In Australia I learnt that smiling , bonding with your mates,celebrating life and also cuddling were just important as well.

 

( Australians are terribly playful people )

 

I here to ask how can I make my life more about me instead about the people that surround me ? 

 

Some small suggestions would much appreciated 😊

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Re: Overcoming challenges : seeing a positive solution

Hey @BunnyWalks! Thanks so much for taking the time to write about how you are feeling. From what I understand, your parents have a predominantly Asian background, and they aren't being supporting of you wanting to move toward a more 'Australian' way of life. Does that sound correct?

I think an issue like this can be very complicated, as it's very normal to be proud of your culture and to want to pass on your cultural traditions to your children. It's likely that you parents were raised in such a way that they have these values that they think are really important, and they're worried that you don't seem to be prioritising the same things. And it's totally okay for you to have your own identity, and if you want to value other things in your life then that's fine! I think what could be happening is that your parents could just be worried that you will lose your connection to a culture that's very important to them, and that this could make them less close to you in general. Have you tried having a talk with them and seeing if you can let them know that you're not completely giving up your background, but you are just in a different place that has different customs? I'm not sure if that makes complete sense :-)

 

I think there are definitely some differences between Asian and Australian culture, like you said about Asian culture prioritising academics, whereas Australians are more focused on having a good time with mates. I know that you were looking for suggestions to 'make life more about you rather than the people around you', so I just want to remind you that you are totally free to choose your own identity. What cultural traditions you choose to take on are completely up to you. If you prefer living a life that is more traditionally 'Australian', then you're free to do that! But I would also remember that it's just possible that your parents are wanting to keep you close and pass on the way that they were raised, and that they could just be worried that you are aligning with a culture that they don't know a lot about. Do you feel like if you have a talk to them with that perspective in mind, that it may help with the issue a bit? You could tell them some more about Australian culture and perhaps let them see that it's not all that bad?

Again, I could be totally off the mark with the type of parents you have (if so - let me know)! But that's what came to mind when reading your message Smiley Happy

Let me know how it goes!

Re: Overcoming challenges : seeing a positive solution

Hey there @BunnyWalks

 

@basketofmonkeys has already offered some excellent advice already. It can be hard to be ourselves when we're surrounded by people who are different from us. One way of doing that is to always be ourselves and be how you want to be. What do you think?

It sounds like your parents are making things difficult for you to deal with, do you have anyone locally that you can talk to about it? 

 


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Re: Overcoming challenges : seeing a positive solution

@basketofmonkeys

That first paragraph is correct.

 

 

Yeah I the values are important but wouldn't the value matter more than the trivial parts of the culture.

 

In some regards I just don't take the regressive aspects of the culture.

 

My parents are public servants and they really go with the uniform of their department. They spend time argueing over abstract concepts or preferences for their Preferred political Candidate or lifestyles. That culture of narrow mindedness isn't going to take me very far. Its not as so much the culture but the conflict within that culture they both have.

 

I feel hurt and emotionally spent from their problems. There not on talking terms to each other and not keen to open up with each other too.

 

I just felt so tired and fatigue from entertaining their questions.

 

@basketofmonkeys I think it's could be because I found the " Australia

culture " like the cool big brother I want to be like. He's ask for things but is patient to the things he wants.

 

I find their way of living to be not very cooperative , pragmatic nor keen on building relationships with anyone outside.

 

When I'm with my parents I feel demeaned , patronized , demoralized, controlled , low self worth, guilted and just cut down in every way and nothing i do is an accomplishment or means anything.

 

I think I was hurt by them in a spiritual way. @@@@

Am I experiencing tall poppy syndrome ?

 

How would I explain this to a professional ?

 

They both support me financially but there terribly unnuturing as someone that's supposed to express affection. I just feel exhaustion when I speak to them.

Re: Overcoming challenges : seeing a positive solution

Hey @BunnyWalks, thanks for sharing that with us. It sounds very challenging to be in that situation with your parents. It sounds like you have identified the aspects that cause you distress and hurt. There is no right or wrong way to express yourself or what you are going through. If you saw a professional about these issues, you can explain it in the same way that you have in the forum. The professional is likely to ask questions to better understand your situation so don't stress about leaving details out. If you are struggling with the right words to say, you could write a letter or some dot points to follow during your session.

Re: Overcoming challenges : seeing a positive solution

@Taylor-RO that's a helpful response.

I'll get around that.

Re: Overcoming challenges : seeing a positive solution

Hey @BunnyWalks, I'm just checking to see how you're going at the moment Smiley Happy

I think with globalisation happening at the rate that it is now, it's normal to experience a bit of cultural confusion and, particularly with parent-generations, get into conflicts about different cultures (as this is not an issue that they have had to deal with as head-on).

It's definitely okay to feel like your parents aren't treating your fairly, especially if they are trying to confine your behaviour and aren't letting you be the person that you want to be. That being said I'm not an expert on any cultures,so can't really recommend what discussion is the best to have with them about it. Do you feel like talking to them frankly about the issue may help to alleviate some of the tension?

Re: Overcoming challenges : seeing a positive solution

@basketofmonkeys

I reckon I should speak to an expert about my goals and what I want from my relationship with my parents.

Appreciate you sharing.

Re: Overcoming challenges : seeing a positive solution

Hey @BunnyWalks, that's a great idea! Do you know of any services that you think you want to use? I'm happy to give you some suggestions for helplines and online services if you want Smiley Happy

Hope you have a great day today Smiley Happy