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Relationship (sex) advice

Okay everyone this is the situation. I please ask that you respect what is discussed in this message Smiley HappySmiley Happy 

I have been with my boyfriend for just 4 months (nearly 5) so it's pretty short term so obviously still in the "lovey-dovey" stage haha.

The issue that is bothering me is that since both of us are Christians, he said that he believes in marriage before sex, but I don't. 

So I feel like the options are to either
- get married young (early 20s), but my family would very much disapprove of that or to think we're rushing into things too quickly
- wait until we're married in our mid-late 20s but obviously its human nature to not want to wait to do "it"
- talk about it to him about it but I don't want him to think I'm already ready or becoming desperate to do it

 

Now, I do respect his (and everyone's) beliefs but I just fear that our relationship will either end or turn nasty and I do not want that to happen because we love each other and he treats me like a princess. 

 

Sorry if this is TMI but I need help and advice because I'm scared to tell my family and friends, yet alone pray about it because God would obviously want me to wait (if you know what I mean)

 

Thank you Smiley HappySmiley Happy

 

 

 

Re: Relationship (sex) advice

Hi @ellabuck_x ,

 

Hmmm I see how this is a difficult situation.

 

Have you had an honest conversation with your partner about how you feel? Not only your views on when to have sex but that you are worried about what it will mean for the future of your relationship?

 

I know these conversations are tough but I feel like making sure you both know exactly where the other person stands will be helpful in making a decision as you move forward!

 

I think it is good that you can respect his own beliefs but also understand what yours are and what it is you want. These are such good qualities when having these discussions!

 

It sounds like you guys are having fun at this stage as well!! Maybe you guys could have an honest conversation now and also plan to talk again in a couple months to see if you are both happy with how everything is going??

 

I won't lie I have never been in this particular situation, but I thought I would add some thoughts <3 

Re: Relationship (sex) advice

Hi @Tasi 
Thank you for wanting to help out, as you're right it is difficult.
Well I've given him hints for a while by saying I know people who obviously do it before marriage and it works for them and because that's all I know and if it seems to work then it's all okay.

Hopefully when I talk to him about it soon (it can't be avoided so have to face it), he will change his mind a little bit and agree (even if its somewhat) that it's okay to do it before marriage, just as long as you don't "sleep around" (hate saying that haha)  or do/ or have done it with lots of people (in which I personally haven't.

 

Thank you for respecting my post and wanting to help out.
It really means a  lot.

Re: Relationship (sex) advice

Hi @ellabuck_x

It certainly does sound like a difficult situation! I'll admit that while I've never been in such a situation, I do know a few people who have been.

I believe the number one key to a successful relationship is communication. If you're not communicating your thoughts and feelings, you can't really know what your partner is thinking. If you don't know that you're on the same page, it can lead to a lot of anxiety and second guessing that may harm your relationship in the long-term. For this reason, even though it is really scary, I would suggest you do have a conversation with your partner. Like @Tasi said, an honest conversation with him not only about your views on sex but also on your personal values and the future of your relationship would really benefit your long-term relationship. 

Maybe a little TMI, but I have spoken to young people in your situation and they have all found their relationships have benefited by reaching a compromise and knowing there's other ways to satisfy themselves/ their partners without intercourse. Again, it would be beneficial to speak to your partner -- I've found everyone even has different definitions for what actually 'counts' as sex! Also, although it can be embarrassing and daunting, it's important to remember to do your research and know the risks as although other sexual activities may not personally count as sex, they still can run the risk of STIs and pregnancy so it's important to be safe nonetheless.

I was wondering if there was anyone you could speak to about this, apart from your partner? Maybe you could speak to a professional, for example I know headspace clinics have a lot of information not just about mental health but about youth sexual health and they usually have walk-in appointments/ clinicians available. Again, I admit I've never been in this situation, but it would be worth it to gather some info and get things off your chest.

I hope all goes well for your relationship, and I'm glad you're having fun with him and thinking towards the future! Heart
 

Re: Relationship (sex) advice

Hey @ellabuck_x, just a little FYI that I moved your thread to the "Everyday Life Stuff" section of the forums as I think you'll be able to get more advice here. Is that okay with you?
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Hope is just around the corner; you think it's not there when you first look straight ahead, but it actually is when you turn around

Re: Relationship (sex) advice

Hi @ellabuck_x!

That sounds like a really tricky situation. Smiley Sad It can be really hard when you and your partner have different views.
I agree with the other comments on this thread. I think talking to your partner and clarifying where you both stand on the issue could be a good idea. You could frame it as a 'What if?' or hypothetical scenario.
I agree with @Hozzles that it could be worth asking if your partner is up for other things other than his definition of sex. These don't necessarily have to be something physical.

I also think that you might just have to accept his view if he is really adamant about it. It's almost impossible to change a partner.

Re: Relationship (sex) advice

Hi @ellabuck_x!

 

Thank you for coming onto the forums with your question Smiley Happy

I can only imagine what a difficult situation this would be for you. I haven't personally been in this exact situation, but I do know what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who has opposing views. I definitely agree with the comments on this thread that communication is important. Try to clarify what 'sex' means to you both and see if there is any middle ground. Maybe also have a conversation with your partner to see whether he is open to listening to other perspectives on the matter. I also have observed that as people age and gain new experiences, they can change their mind on certain things (just keep in mind that this is a generalisation). So as you both navigate life together, you both might potentially find yourselves compromising more to each other. 

I think as you guys are just starting out, enjoy your time together and try not to get too bogged down in the "what ifs". Good luck with your relationship! I'm glad he treats you like a princess! Heart

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Re: Relationship (sex) advice

Hi @ellabuck_x,

 

I just wanted to say a big, big thank you for raising this question- talking about sex is such an important conversation to have! Your courage to start this conversation is appreciated because I am sure there are so many people reading this thread who are also going through something similar Heart While every person may have different views, values, beliefs and experiences, having these discussions helps us be able to understand and make informed choices about sexual activity. 

 

There are some fantastic suggestions here from @WheresMySquishy @Hozzles @Amy9 and @Tasi! What are your thoughts after reading these supportive responses? 

 

ReachOut also has a ton of articles on sex and talking to a partner about sexual health which may be helpful too Smiley Happy 

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