I’m struggling with my relationship. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 7 months and I sometimes have thoughts of wanting to break up or not knowing if I want to be with him. I know they are just thoughts because I always feel so anxious when I think about them. We had one fight and it was brought up and now it’s just in the back of my head. I know it isn’t the cause of my anxiety because that came before but I just don’t know if it is normal to feel this and second guess.
We have gone on a break and I was so upset when we spoke about it I just broke down. I realised then that I didn’t want to lose him or just break up because he makes me happy but these thoughts just sometimes take over.
Does anyone have any advice?
honestly, I've heard so many of my friends speak about having similar experiences all the time. I think being in a romantic relationship can really draw out a lot of the insecurities and negative thoughts we have bubbling away about ourselves, that we might not acknowledge in our "normal" day to day life.
I think sometimes the best way to deal with this, is just to be really open with both your partner and yourself about what you're feeling, and then try and explore why you're feeling that way. It could be that there's a part of you that's scared of the vulnerability of being in a relationship, or it could be because you aren't ready to give up the freedom of being single. Regardless of the reason it doesn't make you a bad person, or unworthy of love/a relationship, but it is something that definitely needs to be explored!
A psychologist can really help you talk about this and figure out some of the underlying issues, have you tried speaking to one about the anxiety you feel in a relationship before?
Hi there, I don't really have any advice but I think I'm going through something similar, so I'd like to see what people say. Have you been in a relationship before? I'm in my first relationship and I get caught up in a lot of thoughts about if this is what it's supposed to be like, if I love him enough, if I'm doing it right, should we just break up, things like that. But I'm just like you, I know he makes me happy and that I don't want to lose him. It's stressful to second guess like this isn't it? But at least it shows you are trying to be in tune with yourself and make sure you really want to be with him, and I think that's important.
You’re definitely not alone in feeling like this. I felt similar anxieties at the beginning of my (now almost 4 year long) relationship. I think it can be difficult getting into a relationship for the first time because it’s difficult to become so invested in someone else’s life. Romantic relationships are unlike any other relationships we have so it can definitely be a shock to the system. I found it helpful to discuss my anxieties with my friends and often they would tell me when I was being irrational and offered some pretty great advice. For me personally, my anxieties sort of just faded away as the relationship continued and as I became more accustomed to it.
Hi @OnionBoy !
I hope you're doing well, and the best advice that I can give you is to be honest with him and talk to him about things openly. You may need to wait a while if your boyfriend needs time to cool off and have space and you need to respect that. I hope you guys are okay and that you are feeling alright. I understand this whole situation can be scary and can make you anxious thinking about losing someone you care about but I am a firm believer that if you are meant to be together, things will work out as long as you try your best.
Firstly, thank you for opening up here and asking for advice! It's always a great first step when you're feeling unsure or anxious. I can understand that sometimes you might feel unsure about things. Just like everyone else has been saying, I guess you just have to talk things out and communicate better. Take some time to really listen to each other and respectfully let each other know your real emotions.
It sounds like you really care about him! It's always worth it to talk more complicated things through if you care about someone so much.
Maybe you could keep a journal or write out your feelings somewhere. It might help you keep track of how you feel day to day.
Keep us updated
Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about your concerns? If you haven't this may relieve some stuff and will be a good way to talk through what is on your mind and what is bothering you. There is nothing wrong with a break, it may help give you time if you are unsure about the relationship. I think it sounds like a sit-down conversation with your boyfriend may be a good idea, communication is key.
I hope you are okay
Hey @OnionBoy ! I'm really sorry to hear you are going through these feelings of uncertainty. I feel I can relate as I have gone through a similiar experience with my boyfriend of 4 years - I would constantly be thinking about breaking up with him and analysing every interaction we had to see if I actually wanted to be with him. There was even a stage when I would cry to my Mum and friends about not knowing how to break up with him because he had done absolutely nothing wrong! But I ended up just having (the first of many) a conversation with him about some of the feelings I was having, and we acknowledged that things were weird but that we definitely wanted to keep trying. And now about 6 months later we have worked through those feelings and I feel like now I am much more confident in our relationship. I think my problems in my relationship arose from being worried about commitment and whether I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this person, but now I am happy enjoying what we do have and the fact that we make each other happy, and letting other things work themselves out.
It might be helpful to think about how you were feeling while you were on your break - did you think about getting back together with him? And if so why? Did you realise that he has qualities that you really like and you make each other happy, or alternatively do you think you only missed the feeling of having someone there and the thought of being single is scary? I also think it is normal to be anxious about a relationship and worrying about whether they are the right person, but as long as you have open, respectful communication and you make each other happy then also make sure you are enjoying the parts of the relationship that make you want to stay! Listen to your intuition and make sure you are looking after yourself first Good luck and I hope it works out how you want it to!
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